backyard chickens

wow, im a slacky blogger. its been forever since i posted something, and for that i apologize.

Alot has happened since my last post. it was the "summer o' fun" and we didnt even get half of our  activities in.

But we did make it to idaho this year. in fact we just got back a few days ago. im sooooo glad we went. i should know better and always go on the vacation jay wants to go on. im usually never very excited to go but im always glad i did when i get back.

something changed in my brain when we reached an area in kimberly, idaho. we were exploring and dreaming about properties we might purchase when all this hellish school is complete. we came accross a little neighborhood, i guess you could call it that, it had moderate houses on big properties. a couple acres or so, when i had this amazing crystalizing moment. it was the strongest deja-vu i have ever experienced. ive even dreamed about this place a couple times. it felt like we should just be pulling into our driveway and walking into the house. it was amazing how strong this feeling of home and complete security was. jay even had the same feeling at the same time.

since we decided to move out of our house and into the basement we had to completely start over. i mean 100% start over with nothing. everything we have is in a 10x10 storage locker in kearns......you know, not including what we have stashed in the very cramped bedroom i slept in when i was 14. we had absolutely no money in the bank and jay lost his job just a couple months after we moved to the basement. anyway, my point of starting over is that we just didnt have to monetarily start over. we had to start over mentally. kel had just had surgery and we were going to be having a baby in about 2 months after the move. so new house(one bedroom for the 5 of us), no money, new rules(living with my mom), new parenting styes(or forced lack thereof), new ways to interact with jay even. not to mention gage having to switch schools and kelty starting school the next year. i guess things were very taxing. even with my annoyance of the people around me i appreciae everything my parents have done for me. i now have a deeper understanding of my family as the people they are. which leads me to my crystalizing moment in idaho....

i have always said that i wanted to live close to my parents because my grandparents live far away and i would have liked to have had a more "everyday" relationship with them. it would have been nice to have grandma and gramp at school functions and sunday dinner. it would have been cool to have a bigger support system closer. but in the last 4 or so years i have been almost longing in a way to go somewhere else. i have been in the same corner of the salt lake valley my entire life. and i straight up dont like it anymore.

its quite the shift in attitude in me.when i first married jay it was like i couldnt stand the thought of leaving my mom. i needed her still. i needed the safety net. jay was wonderful to recognize that and be patient with me. the truth is, he would just move with me anywhere i wanted to go. but im not happy here anymore. i need to get up to idaho. and here are my reasons: jay and i agree that raising kids in a small town is better than in the city. we could afford a big property with a nice house. its a wonderful sense of community in a smaller rural area(im no starnger to small town living, i "grew up" in a town smaller than rupert idaho) and its just what we want. the area we would like to live in is total farm country. theres rolling fields of beautiful green tall corn everywhere. its a really cool recreational area with lots to do. the schools are small and in a really good district. and i could stretch my wings. i feel good up there and it feels right. i wish we could go now but there are some drawbacks. we have to wait until school is finished, which means at least 3 more years of basement dwelling. ugh, i get so impatient. now that ive found the place i just want to go. and im going to miss seeing my family and friends every day. i know theyll come and visit but i dont want to miss out on their lives.....but its time we start living our own and be a stronger nuclear family unit. i have this weird feeling of wanting my kids back. its hard to share them with everyone and almost take a secondary role to mothering. in a very small way it feels like ive been made more into their older sister or nanny. i want to be the mom and not have to have a concensus with 4 people on disciplinary rules and bedtime. its weird living here at times. i just want to be the mom again and have time to see my husband.

there can be alot of tension here. but i think its been the best thing for us. my apron strings are cut and i feel like a stronger person for it. i no longer need my moms aproval on everything. its sad it took me this long. getting pregnant at 19 made me grow up pretty fast but in ways in stopped me from growing at all. im so glad the circle is almost complete and that all these trials have been teaching moments. Direction is a wonderful thing to have. something to look forward to. something to work for and sweat and pray about. its been a long time living in limbo and im ready to sit on the front porch staring at the corn and listening to my chickens in the back yard, its going to be great!

a.very.good.weekend..........and some spiritual stuff

hello blogging buddies.

so, shall we talk about something light hearted today? i think we should 'cuz im always ranting about my crappy job.

i would like to tell you about my trip to St. George last weekend and then onto some philosophical mumbo jumbo.

first up, st. george!!! i love southern utah! before i met the love of my life, who decided to randomly lick my face last night(just thought you all should know), i wanted to move down south. i was for sure going "down south". i had applied to dixie state college, which is now a university(good for them). and was looking into jobs and appartments. then life happened and plans were changed. i ended up staying in salt lake. but i always wanted to move there. anywho, we took the kids down there for a random weekend. it was soooo lovely and mild in the weather! we went to snow canyon and played in the dunes and let the kids climb on the rocks. we stayed in the coronada inn. dont ever stay there. it was a roach motel and gross. fork out the extra cash and stay somewhere decent. which we will be doing on our next trip down there. lesson learned. we ate and played and went swimming and went to see the temple. it was great and not nearly long enough.

secondly, some mumbo jumbo? ooh yes some mumbo please. i ask the question, which i was presented with this week on a COMPLETELY random day with a very unexpected visitor, have i been mistaking promptings with feelings? oh. so. deep. i will let you draw your own conclusions on your personal thoughts on this matter but it drew up another question for me. was i sure what an actual prompting is? i sat and pondered for a while and came to the conclusion that i have been mistaking promptings for feelings. according to me a prompting is a nudging, if you will, from the holy ghost. its not just a thought. for me, promptings are stronger than feelings. they are the sure understanding of something. nothing wishy washy about the feeling that comes from a prompting but an almost absolute assurance about something. ive had promptings in my life only a few times. and they have all been strong enough not to question but to just do.
there have also been times in my life, now that i can look back and see, that sometimes these things that i have been fixated on have not been weird neurotic "aerial things" but guidance from my Heavenly Father. some things took me in a completely different direction and honestly, i wasnt sure why certain things were happening or why i was doing certain things. just that these certain things felt right. promptings are thoughts and feelings. the strong ones for me are the ones that are offered up with such certainty that i dont question i just know, if you will. then followed by the sweet comfort of the holy ghost.
when youre 4 years old and walking out into a busy street to retrieve your ball and you hear that inflection in your mothers voice when shes yelling at you to get out of danger is kind of how i feel about it. the 4 year old doesnt question the mother. the child somply obeys because of absolute trust and love. and a response to the alarm in the mothers voice. a prompting is the inflection in my Heavenly Fathers voice to help guide me.
i have such a thick head that sometimes i need to be yelled at with such gusto so that i'll listen. i have a prompting right now in my life. almost a nagging, a dragging(kicking and screaming) into something new and different. i dont know how i feel about it. well, i know i should just obey. it may not be something i ever thought i would end up doing but i guess i should make it happen. the time is now, and all i know is that someone is waiting for me in this new endeavor and i hope i can live up to what Heavenly Father has in store for me.

i feel defeated by nursing. i feel like it has me in its grasp and this nursing bug is going to make me a nurse because its the only thing in know how to do. i would like to have a job thats lets me live my own life. for example, not being so dog tired at the end of my shift to even deal with my kids at home. i would like to be able to know that im not going to have to interrupt christmas every year so i can go to work. i would LOVE to have a saturday off without having to have a serious tantrum to my boss. i absolutely hate the masses in generals attitude. old people talk about younger people being so entitled.....puhhhhlease! almost all the old people i come across at work are entitled simply because theyre old. gah, im starting to hate oldy moldies!

buuuuut, i also love this job. when its good its reallllllllly good!......and vice versa. i think im just burned out on this floor. i need a change. i want to go to nursing school but now im afraid. i would like to go to SLCC so i dont have to pay an arm and a leg to just get through it, and kindof shoot myself in the foot by going to a trade school. its just so hard and time consuming. i want to get the "good" degree but SLCC makes it almost impossible to even get into the program now.

there are so many things to complain about when it comes to this job. i guess i just dont like this floor. its the most demanding place to work in the hospital. and ive ranted and raved and stated that im never going to be a nurse and im going to do something else with better hours and less personal sacrifice. i really would love to just have an office job but i feel like its never going to compare to this. i love having 4 days off every week and getting good pay for the actual work i do. nursing also lends alot of flexibility(if youre willing to complain and cry to your boss:) i really do love it.

if i go to a trade school for nursing its going to cost about 55,000 dollars. whaaaaaaaat! thats crazy! i kow it is. im willing to do it though. if i went to ameritech i cold be done in 18 months and on the floor working as an RN. is the short amount of time worth the extra 40k? i dont know. probly not because it would disqualify, for lack of a better term, any graduate school education. i dont think i want to be a NP but i still would like to know that i could have the opportunity if i wanted to.

geez, i always complain about the same things huh. yup, its a pain. if you have to read about it imagine living it. sucks to be me sometimes. but my job can be incredibly...at times :)

my wonderful co-worker had a brilliant idea! i was talking to her about going back to school and what a struggle it will be and blah blah blah, school sucks kinda thing. shes in the same position as me. she has kids and is locked into her work schedule and some other things too, of course. anywho, she said "im not going to school to be a nurse 'cause they are just slaves and pooper scoopers. so im waiting until my youngest is in school. i only have 2 years to wait and then i can do what i want instead of doing 'this'".

wait, what?! that was a fresh perspective to me. i only have 3 years to wait and then baby cheetoh will be in school. k so, im not going to waste these 3 years. i at least want to start on generals again.....ugh again. shoot me please! oh well, this has to be done. the only bad thing is........to do what i want to do i would have to get a ph.d. yikes! its so daunting! but i did find out that 2 of the colleges offer the full ph.d program i want to do.

oh my, what am i doing? im just going to do something enjoyable.

just have to get this off my chest. i hate going to relief society. it pretty much sucks the big one. and this is why....its gotten so "cliquey" and snooty. and the people in charge are totally oblivious to it. when we have homemaking its seriously just a waste of time. no one wants to put any effort into actually making the get-together, of sorts, any kind of worth while experience. i dont learn anything. now correct me if im wrong but i thought relief society was there to help me learn things and grow. whether it be spiritually or physically. when did we stop having homemakings that taught us things? when did it turn into social hour for the presidency. dont get me wrong, i love the women in the presidency.....individually. i wonder if they realize how they are just turning into a little clique.

i do feel a little insecure when it comes to this clique thing. but who doesnt? im a big girl and pull myself by my bootstraps and dont let my neurosis get to me. im not the only one who feels like this though, and thats the problem.

the other totally sucky thing is, the actual activities. theyre borring and dumb. lets learn something or figure out how to be better moms. lets have a gardening night or for heavens sake, help someone! why dont we start nurturing the women of our ward and build a strong and united front of mothers and friends. nope, we put on ridiculous skits and wear dumb hats to visit with eachother for an hour. so lame.

i dont think my feelings about homemaking are a secret. and i like to attend relief society on sundays. i just wish things werent being avertised on facebook for the entire relief society to see and make the other women in the ward that arent invited to these little get togethers feel bad. thats all. soap box done.

wheres my word for the year?

every year i pick a couple of words that embody either characteristics or traits that i would like to work on. some of the words in previous years have been things like "resolute" and "steadfast". but this year i have picked a phrase and a word. the phrase is, "be fearless" aaaaand the word is "vivacious".

le'me'splain. by being fearless i dont mean reckless or dumb. i mean to just get out there and do the things that i want to do but for some reason hold myself back from doing. now, back in the day going to Lagoon would be no biggie. but now i have some trepidation about it, cuz i dont want to be the fat person that has to get off the rollercoaster because i cant close the safety thingy. i know, that probaby wouldnt happen but in my present state of fatness, it might. so i am being fearless about getting into better shape a losing some weight sooooooo i can be vivacious. even more so than normal :)

i love the word vivacious. i feel that it is me. but i have gotten to the point that being truly vivacious has gotten hard and expensive. i feel like i have a ton of energy and that i can still hold onto my youth.....some way or another. driving a mini van isnt helping though. i feel like i just need to be even more fearless so i can be even more vivacious.

soooooo..........

i dont have much of anything on my mind today. other than i need to lose some weight! i didnt go to weight watchers in january and have been putting off. im a terrible eater and eat waaaaaay too much salt, im guessing because i eat way too much fast food. and since i consume way too much salt, my BP is a little elevated. the last reading this morning was 135/90. omg, i am pre-hypertensive!

so, i need to drop a few. i'll keep ya'll posted on my weight loss journey.

hey, who are you?

just a little experiment. i have no idea who reads my blog...except for a couple of people :).

i dont care who reads it. i just ask that you leave a comment....it can be anonymous.....or not. just leave some sort of comment.


are my random ramblings getting to anyone?

miss my bestie

just some more conundrums.


i was reading last sundays posty secrets and i couldnt help but be reminded of a friend i lost. well, not sure if i lost her or what i did. lets just say im not sure if we're actually friends anymore. the secret was about a lady keeping someone on her friend list on fb but doesnt consider her a friend in real life. i guess you could say i have a friend like that.

we were the bestest of friends all throughout junior high and high school. and even beyond that. she was there to be my friend all through the divorce with matt and having gage early. she didnt seem to mind i had a kid to tote around with me everywhere. we even worked together for a while. we went to eachothers weddings and such. but when we got married we seemed to drift apart. i really thought we would be friends forever but that was a little short sighted. i keep her on my friend list but im just not sure if we're still friends. its been a couple years since ive actually seen her. i miss her terribly still. when i married jay i clearly stated to him that i needed to go out with this particular person and have girls nights and he was totally ok with that. maybe she felt abandoned by me getting married again. i thought i had made reasonable effort to stay connected with her. but to no avail. then i felt abandoned.

i dont know what happened. i was a bridesmaid at her wedding but it seemed like she was doing it out of politeness and to not offend me. maybe she didnt but thats how it felt to me. i may have even mentioned i didnt like the guy she was marrying. he didnt treat her good and i felt protective over her but i didnt say anything to her because i remember how much it hurt to not have support from anyone when i married matt. ya know, i did tell her brother i didnt like the guy she was marrying. maybe she was mad at that. i have no idea what i did to have her not like me anymore.

i have offered and offered and offered to go out. or mentioned on fb to text me or something and try to make a date to do something but she never responds or never texts back. i have many theories but i cant coroborate them cuz it seems like she doesnt want to be friends anymore. i totally sent an angry message over fb because i had heard through the mouth of a crazy person that she was mad at me and didnt want to see me. i even heard from a patient that her husband was not being nice to her and not letting her talk to me.

well, i guess what im trying to say is. my heart still hurts over the loss of my best friend. we've had kids that the other hasnt seen. i kept reaching out with no reciprocation. i dont know what happened but im still pretty much at a loss over it. its been a while since ive tried to make any sort of contact. i dont know if i will. im sick of reaching out only to get "stood up" again.

can money!!!!!!

well, we finally got some can money saved! yay! do you remember my post about having a lofty goal? i do.

Its so hard to see how things will go the first month of a budget for me. things look so easy to do and it totally works on paper........but not in real life. the budget didnt go as smoothly as i had hoped but we are getting the kinks worked out and figuring out how to put the bulk of our money in the "can". now if only i could figure out how to be an extreme couponer and save even more money.

can money feels so good. i dont ever want to touch it. but alas, i know it will have to be used eventually. i have a very specific purpose for this sweet sweet moolah. its to go towards a downpayment on another house. and then most of it will be wiped away.

part of my lofty goal is to have more than 20% down on a house in just a couple years. i havent decided if we'll buy before jays done with school or wait until after. it depends on how the basement dwelling is going. there are deffinately some days where i cannot stand to be crammed into a bedroom the way we are. and yet, my sensible side is telling me i should wait until jay graduates....or until he gets a job after he graduates :) but you know, im needin' some space! some inside space, some outside space, a kid-free space, a space for the kids to run around kinda space, a space where i can shower in peace space, a space where i dont roll over and see edynns naked butt space, a space to put all my girly soap thingies, a space that is semi quiet. i guess id just like a space of my own. and a space for my kids to be without having to feel like theyre getting mothered by everyone. and i would like to be the only mom around for a change. id honestly just like to paint a wall.

i daydream too much. and i always set huge goals for myself. but anywho, i know this whole hoarding cash thing is something that has to be chipped away at. i tend to get inpatient about things and just want stuff done now. but there are tons of things that need to happen before we can get a space of our own again while stuffing cash into that can. i guess i should focus on the baby steps. but i still think its good to daydream.

i have a lofty goal

soooooooo, i have a pretty lofty long term goal for my cute little fam dam. its a doozie, get ready, its a biggie!


i would like to be debt free.......except for a mortgage(which means death agreement, btw) for the rest of my life.

yup, you guessed it. no car payment, no consumer debt, no medical debt, no nuttin". nada. no owing moolah to anyone! ever!
the problem is how to put this plan into play. we have a couple little things to pay off. less than $2000.00 and we will have absolutely 0 debt. zero!
Buuuuut, our little car is getting old. shes practically elderly. and she has high miles. ridden like a spent horse! so im going to baby her and pamper her for the rest of her life in the hopes that we have enough money saved to have another car baby when Daphne dies.......but hopefully not for a long time. i know she'll stick with us. we have given up much and daph has been there through the thick of it.

its been pretty hard to pick up the pieces of our once shattered financial future. but things are now bright and beaming. another possible part of this plan is staying in the basement. ugh, i know, it can suck at times. but hopefully, if things dont get too frayed at the  edges with my parents and sister we will be able to save up a butt-load-o-moolah.

the hardest part is the actual saving. i LOVE having money in the account and feeling like i can spend money if i want to. or go out to the store and buy those cute shoes i want, or buying fancy things for the kids and going on trips, and on and on and on. im ready to make the sacrifice from wordly posessions.......cuz we kinda dont have much anyway, everything we have is in a bedroom in my moms basement and in a 10x10 storage unit in kearns. ive even contemplated on selling everything in the storage unit and eliminating that payment. but i think my mothers house will explode if we try to cram anything else into it. its not a big house and there are many that live there.

this is my goal. and i will make it come to fruition!





p.s. i would love to be a crazy coupon lady and any help on that would be much appreciated. extreme coupons here i come!

even my armpits feel fat

 

so ive decided that im going back to weight watchers tonight. ive never been able to lose weight on my own or by doing my own dieting. and weight watchers was the only thing that ive done that i had any success in. im actually pretty excited and totally committed. after having a super clear crystalizing moment about the job conundrum i feel that every other part of my life is falling into place. things are on the mend!..........finally, for heck sakes!

lets talk about fat. ugh, the dreaded F.A.T. word. can i tell ya even my armpits feel fat! i went to get some new bras last night at lane bryant. it cost me over 100 smackers! another drawback to being this lovely and fat is that its expensive! so i have 4 beautiful new balconettes and my armpits squished out! so i went up a band size and they still did it. then i had squishy pits and ill fitting brazier. i would rather have a good fitting aaaaaaaand good supporting bra than an ill fitting one with pit fat spilling over. so now i have pit spillage but a very lovely feeling bra. and the girls look oh so good......if you dont look at the pits.......or back fat :(

another unfortunate part of being my size is pants. i now have a butt in front if i wear too tight of pants. my main goal is to loooooose the fat hanging off my lower abdomen. some call it an apron. ooooh, it makes me shutter even mentioning that word.....apron apron apron.........gah, it just gave me chills. it is now added to the list of words never to say again. a little clarification though, the actual word apron is not on the list. just with the connotation of fat is it on the list.

i have back rolls. they are gross. nothing more to be said about those.

another thing i NEED to rid from myself is the double chin starting to develop where i had a jaw bone. i feel like a "jolly" person with a double chin. (jolly used in this reference is a bad thing, not in the general usage of the word though)

now, the fat lifestyle i live is sucky. i have alot of energy but moving this body around takes it right out of me. i want the typical things a mom wants but the fat is preventing me from doing it. i would loooooove to get on the floor and play with the kids. this will be the best accomplishment. i hope it comes soon.

its so nice

first off i would like to say im still a little confused but far from what it used to be. ya'll should know what im talking about already. yup, the job conundrum. so, i found a blog yesterday, as i was researching and gathering some opinions on what to do and which way to go that cemented me a little more on the correct path. its still wet cement. able to make a dent or make tire tracks through it, im not permanent yet.

let me 'splain a little more. im confused about being a nurse because i can get that done fast and make enough money to move out of the basement in 18 months,and make enough money to sustain us while jay is finishing up school. buuuuuut i'll have to spend an absurd amount of money on it. oooooooor i can do something that i would love to do. im thinking about being a special education teacher. it makes my heart feel good and it feels more right than nursing. and there is a line in my patriarchal blessing that talks about being a teacher to people with special needs and disabilities. ive always thought about being a special ed. teacher but ive always been too afraid to admit it. i dunno why, im just dumb i guess. but now im starting to accept it and will possibly go forward with it.

special people used to make me feel "weird". i was afraid of them when i was little. i remember my mom taking us to valley fair mall to see a movie and there was always disabled people in wheel chairs that would come up to our table and drool or do something "special" and it used just un-nerve me to no end. i didnt know how to act around them or even what do with them. now ive grown up more and had many experiences with special people and have grown to love them. i can honestly say, if werent for being a mormon and hearing some theories and opinions about how special people are just angels on earth and how theyre being protected from the evils of this world has helped me learn to be patient and loving toward them. i mean, why wouldnt you want to be around someone that was so good in the preexistence that they get the special blessing of having a body and living on earth without temptation. special people, to me, feel as close to the veil as you can get.

i guess i would consider it a privilege to work with the special folk. but im more interested in kids with behavioral disorders and complicated neurosis. i know i cannot make it through an entire psychology degree to work specifically with those kids but i know i can get through a eaching degree and make an impact on some kids that way.

well would ya look at that. seems like i just convinced myself a little more to be a special ed teacher.

another thing that has stuck with me was the oportunity to find an "odd friend". my odd friends name is amy and she was in special ed in high school. i would surmise she qualified for special ed due to some learning delay and lack of social skills. she is a total weirdo. But i decided to be her friend anyway. alot of people didnt like her. its my opinion that they just didnt take the time to get to know her or try to understand her position in the world. i still love her and see her on occassion and she still waves that goofy(cute) wave whenever she sees me. she made a huge impact on me and has since helped me figure out a little more of my place in the world.