miss my bestie

just some more conundrums.


i was reading last sundays posty secrets and i couldnt help but be reminded of a friend i lost. well, not sure if i lost her or what i did. lets just say im not sure if we're actually friends anymore. the secret was about a lady keeping someone on her friend list on fb but doesnt consider her a friend in real life. i guess you could say i have a friend like that.

we were the bestest of friends all throughout junior high and high school. and even beyond that. she was there to be my friend all through the divorce with matt and having gage early. she didnt seem to mind i had a kid to tote around with me everywhere. we even worked together for a while. we went to eachothers weddings and such. but when we got married we seemed to drift apart. i really thought we would be friends forever but that was a little short sighted. i keep her on my friend list but im just not sure if we're still friends. its been a couple years since ive actually seen her. i miss her terribly still. when i married jay i clearly stated to him that i needed to go out with this particular person and have girls nights and he was totally ok with that. maybe she felt abandoned by me getting married again. i thought i had made reasonable effort to stay connected with her. but to no avail. then i felt abandoned.

i dont know what happened. i was a bridesmaid at her wedding but it seemed like she was doing it out of politeness and to not offend me. maybe she didnt but thats how it felt to me. i may have even mentioned i didnt like the guy she was marrying. he didnt treat her good and i felt protective over her but i didnt say anything to her because i remember how much it hurt to not have support from anyone when i married matt. ya know, i did tell her brother i didnt like the guy she was marrying. maybe she was mad at that. i have no idea what i did to have her not like me anymore.

i have offered and offered and offered to go out. or mentioned on fb to text me or something and try to make a date to do something but she never responds or never texts back. i have many theories but i cant coroborate them cuz it seems like she doesnt want to be friends anymore. i totally sent an angry message over fb because i had heard through the mouth of a crazy person that she was mad at me and didnt want to see me. i even heard from a patient that her husband was not being nice to her and not letting her talk to me.

well, i guess what im trying to say is. my heart still hurts over the loss of my best friend. we've had kids that the other hasnt seen. i kept reaching out with no reciprocation. i dont know what happened but im still pretty much at a loss over it. its been a while since ive tried to make any sort of contact. i dont know if i will. im sick of reaching out only to get "stood up" again.