This week has been a funny week. As I spend most of my time pondering about who I am and where Im going to end up, I cant help but think...... Where are we going?....Where am I going?.....What do I want for my own personal growth?
Ive reconsidered my career like 50 times, and I never come up with the same answer. I keep praying and praying, I havent been to the temple about it yet but I think I may have come up with the something. Maybe I got an answer tonight.
Ive been so concerned with trying to make a living and attain all these goals I have for myself that Ive majorly lost my path. I went from being a single mom with a baby that had no choice to make a certain amount of money to live....to marrying Jay, and all of a sudden, having choices. Choices, choices, choices. What do I really want to be? Which way to go?
Its always been stuck in my head that Ive needed to have a high powered career. Maybe so I could feel good about myself, maybe to know that I really have accomplished something. I dont know, but its never really what I WANTED. Inside me, I mean the real core of me, has always just wanted to be a mom. I remember not wanting to tell people that because Ive been told my whole life that I could accomplish anything and that I should get a high powered career because Im smart, and I'll make it in the working world alot easier than others. Some of that may be true, but my domestic side was never allowed to be nurtured or developed. By me or by others.....because I would never allow it to be the forefront of my self picture.
I have the distinct impression to get back to basics. To shy away from the "modern" woman. I am ashamed to say that my life hasnt been as based in the gospel as I would like it to be. Im turning it around and getting back up on the rock(as in the wise man built his house upon the rock). I feel very strongly about the traditional family and traditional values. I know where and what station in life is going to make me happy but sometimes I have a hard time admitting it. Being a stay at home mom is my dream. Believe me, coming from such a person as myself, I really do have modest dreams. All I want is to have enough money to pay the bills, have a decent house in a wonderful place, or somewhere that feels like I could really put down my roots. I just want to find my "forever place" and be a mommy.
I have a wonderful husband that knows and understands the real Aerial. He nurtures me and encourages me to find my place in the world. We work together to make our little world turn round. Its really hectic right now with both of our work schedules being crazy and overlapping alot, but we manage.
My mom tells me that very few people get to do what they WANT to do for a career and I should just accept that. That may be true but I can attribute my stubbornness to her, and I WILL get to have the life I want....and so will Jay. It may take us 10 years to get even remotely close but, gosh dangit, we'll get there! I have surrendered to the fact that I will probly have to work the rest of my life. No biggie, I do need to find something that is enjoyable though. And when it comes to Jay, he does NOT have to work 2 jobs for the rest of his life. We're trying to work smarter not harder....who knows if we'll ever get there but we'll die trying! I have nothing against my mom. But it is hard learning to think for myself. I value her opinion so heavily that I dont do alot of things if she thinks its a bad idea or doesnt sound as enthused as I think she should. My mom is there to protect me and offer advice. Its been hard learning to be my own person. Its hard to mention that I dont want to live in Salt Lake because she doesnt want us to go far. I understand that. Its hard for me to think about leaving them. But if moving to Idaho to give our children the life that Jay and I think they should have, might have to happen. It might have to happen just to give ourselves(me and jay) the life that we deserve too.
Wow, that was hard just typing. My dreams and passion lie in rural America. I want my kids to walk to school and not get abducted in 1 block. I want them to know where their food comes from and have wholesome values. I want my kids to wake up in the morning and smell the fresh mountain air. I want them to see sky and experience a different way of life. I want them to have a mom that doesnt have to run out the door every Friday night to go to work so they can get dumped off at grandmas 'cause, you guessed it, both parents are working the graveyard shift tonight. I want my kids to swim in a ditch and know what back breaking labor feels like. I want them to have parents that can have leisure time with them, time to spend with them.
It may be too much to ask for. We may never make it and be stuck here. But its all about dancing in the rain. And it feels good to admit who I am. Even if it just to myself.
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