miss my bestie

just some more conundrums.


i was reading last sundays posty secrets and i couldnt help but be reminded of a friend i lost. well, not sure if i lost her or what i did. lets just say im not sure if we're actually friends anymore. the secret was about a lady keeping someone on her friend list on fb but doesnt consider her a friend in real life. i guess you could say i have a friend like that.

we were the bestest of friends all throughout junior high and high school. and even beyond that. she was there to be my friend all through the divorce with matt and having gage early. she didnt seem to mind i had a kid to tote around with me everywhere. we even worked together for a while. we went to eachothers weddings and such. but when we got married we seemed to drift apart. i really thought we would be friends forever but that was a little short sighted. i keep her on my friend list but im just not sure if we're still friends. its been a couple years since ive actually seen her. i miss her terribly still. when i married jay i clearly stated to him that i needed to go out with this particular person and have girls nights and he was totally ok with that. maybe she felt abandoned by me getting married again. i thought i had made reasonable effort to stay connected with her. but to no avail. then i felt abandoned.

i dont know what happened. i was a bridesmaid at her wedding but it seemed like she was doing it out of politeness and to not offend me. maybe she didnt but thats how it felt to me. i may have even mentioned i didnt like the guy she was marrying. he didnt treat her good and i felt protective over her but i didnt say anything to her because i remember how much it hurt to not have support from anyone when i married matt. ya know, i did tell her brother i didnt like the guy she was marrying. maybe she was mad at that. i have no idea what i did to have her not like me anymore.

i have offered and offered and offered to go out. or mentioned on fb to text me or something and try to make a date to do something but she never responds or never texts back. i have many theories but i cant coroborate them cuz it seems like she doesnt want to be friends anymore. i totally sent an angry message over fb because i had heard through the mouth of a crazy person that she was mad at me and didnt want to see me. i even heard from a patient that her husband was not being nice to her and not letting her talk to me.

well, i guess what im trying to say is. my heart still hurts over the loss of my best friend. we've had kids that the other hasnt seen. i kept reaching out with no reciprocation. i dont know what happened but im still pretty much at a loss over it. its been a while since ive tried to make any sort of contact. i dont know if i will. im sick of reaching out only to get "stood up" again.

can money!!!!!!

well, we finally got some can money saved! yay! do you remember my post about having a lofty goal? i do.

Its so hard to see how things will go the first month of a budget for me. things look so easy to do and it totally works on paper........but not in real life. the budget didnt go as smoothly as i had hoped but we are getting the kinks worked out and figuring out how to put the bulk of our money in the "can". now if only i could figure out how to be an extreme couponer and save even more money.

can money feels so good. i dont ever want to touch it. but alas, i know it will have to be used eventually. i have a very specific purpose for this sweet sweet moolah. its to go towards a downpayment on another house. and then most of it will be wiped away.

part of my lofty goal is to have more than 20% down on a house in just a couple years. i havent decided if we'll buy before jays done with school or wait until after. it depends on how the basement dwelling is going. there are deffinately some days where i cannot stand to be crammed into a bedroom the way we are. and yet, my sensible side is telling me i should wait until jay graduates....or until he gets a job after he graduates :) but you know, im needin' some space! some inside space, some outside space, a kid-free space, a space for the kids to run around kinda space, a space where i can shower in peace space, a space where i dont roll over and see edynns naked butt space, a space to put all my girly soap thingies, a space that is semi quiet. i guess id just like a space of my own. and a space for my kids to be without having to feel like theyre getting mothered by everyone. and i would like to be the only mom around for a change. id honestly just like to paint a wall.

i daydream too much. and i always set huge goals for myself. but anywho, i know this whole hoarding cash thing is something that has to be chipped away at. i tend to get inpatient about things and just want stuff done now. but there are tons of things that need to happen before we can get a space of our own again while stuffing cash into that can. i guess i should focus on the baby steps. but i still think its good to daydream.

i have a lofty goal

soooooooo, i have a pretty lofty long term goal for my cute little fam dam. its a doozie, get ready, its a biggie!


i would like to be debt free.......except for a mortgage(which means death agreement, btw) for the rest of my life.

yup, you guessed it. no car payment, no consumer debt, no medical debt, no nuttin". nada. no owing moolah to anyone! ever!
the problem is how to put this plan into play. we have a couple little things to pay off. less than $2000.00 and we will have absolutely 0 debt. zero!
Buuuuut, our little car is getting old. shes practically elderly. and she has high miles. ridden like a spent horse! so im going to baby her and pamper her for the rest of her life in the hopes that we have enough money saved to have another car baby when Daphne dies.......but hopefully not for a long time. i know she'll stick with us. we have given up much and daph has been there through the thick of it.

its been pretty hard to pick up the pieces of our once shattered financial future. but things are now bright and beaming. another possible part of this plan is staying in the basement. ugh, i know, it can suck at times. but hopefully, if things dont get too frayed at the  edges with my parents and sister we will be able to save up a butt-load-o-moolah.

the hardest part is the actual saving. i LOVE having money in the account and feeling like i can spend money if i want to. or go out to the store and buy those cute shoes i want, or buying fancy things for the kids and going on trips, and on and on and on. im ready to make the sacrifice from wordly posessions.......cuz we kinda dont have much anyway, everything we have is in a bedroom in my moms basement and in a 10x10 storage unit in kearns. ive even contemplated on selling everything in the storage unit and eliminating that payment. but i think my mothers house will explode if we try to cram anything else into it. its not a big house and there are many that live there.

this is my goal. and i will make it come to fruition!





p.s. i would love to be a crazy coupon lady and any help on that would be much appreciated. extreme coupons here i come!

even my armpits feel fat

 

so ive decided that im going back to weight watchers tonight. ive never been able to lose weight on my own or by doing my own dieting. and weight watchers was the only thing that ive done that i had any success in. im actually pretty excited and totally committed. after having a super clear crystalizing moment about the job conundrum i feel that every other part of my life is falling into place. things are on the mend!..........finally, for heck sakes!

lets talk about fat. ugh, the dreaded F.A.T. word. can i tell ya even my armpits feel fat! i went to get some new bras last night at lane bryant. it cost me over 100 smackers! another drawback to being this lovely and fat is that its expensive! so i have 4 beautiful new balconettes and my armpits squished out! so i went up a band size and they still did it. then i had squishy pits and ill fitting brazier. i would rather have a good fitting aaaaaaaand good supporting bra than an ill fitting one with pit fat spilling over. so now i have pit spillage but a very lovely feeling bra. and the girls look oh so good......if you dont look at the pits.......or back fat :(

another unfortunate part of being my size is pants. i now have a butt in front if i wear too tight of pants. my main goal is to loooooose the fat hanging off my lower abdomen. some call it an apron. ooooh, it makes me shutter even mentioning that word.....apron apron apron.........gah, it just gave me chills. it is now added to the list of words never to say again. a little clarification though, the actual word apron is not on the list. just with the connotation of fat is it on the list.

i have back rolls. they are gross. nothing more to be said about those.

another thing i NEED to rid from myself is the double chin starting to develop where i had a jaw bone. i feel like a "jolly" person with a double chin. (jolly used in this reference is a bad thing, not in the general usage of the word though)

now, the fat lifestyle i live is sucky. i have alot of energy but moving this body around takes it right out of me. i want the typical things a mom wants but the fat is preventing me from doing it. i would loooooove to get on the floor and play with the kids. this will be the best accomplishment. i hope it comes soon.

its so nice

first off i would like to say im still a little confused but far from what it used to be. ya'll should know what im talking about already. yup, the job conundrum. so, i found a blog yesterday, as i was researching and gathering some opinions on what to do and which way to go that cemented me a little more on the correct path. its still wet cement. able to make a dent or make tire tracks through it, im not permanent yet.

let me 'splain a little more. im confused about being a nurse because i can get that done fast and make enough money to move out of the basement in 18 months,and make enough money to sustain us while jay is finishing up school. buuuuuut i'll have to spend an absurd amount of money on it. oooooooor i can do something that i would love to do. im thinking about being a special education teacher. it makes my heart feel good and it feels more right than nursing. and there is a line in my patriarchal blessing that talks about being a teacher to people with special needs and disabilities. ive always thought about being a special ed. teacher but ive always been too afraid to admit it. i dunno why, im just dumb i guess. but now im starting to accept it and will possibly go forward with it.

special people used to make me feel "weird". i was afraid of them when i was little. i remember my mom taking us to valley fair mall to see a movie and there was always disabled people in wheel chairs that would come up to our table and drool or do something "special" and it used just un-nerve me to no end. i didnt know how to act around them or even what do with them. now ive grown up more and had many experiences with special people and have grown to love them. i can honestly say, if werent for being a mormon and hearing some theories and opinions about how special people are just angels on earth and how theyre being protected from the evils of this world has helped me learn to be patient and loving toward them. i mean, why wouldnt you want to be around someone that was so good in the preexistence that they get the special blessing of having a body and living on earth without temptation. special people, to me, feel as close to the veil as you can get.

i guess i would consider it a privilege to work with the special folk. but im more interested in kids with behavioral disorders and complicated neurosis. i know i cannot make it through an entire psychology degree to work specifically with those kids but i know i can get through a eaching degree and make an impact on some kids that way.

well would ya look at that. seems like i just convinced myself a little more to be a special ed teacher.

another thing that has stuck with me was the oportunity to find an "odd friend". my odd friends name is amy and she was in special ed in high school. i would surmise she qualified for special ed due to some learning delay and lack of social skills. she is a total weirdo. But i decided to be her friend anyway. alot of people didnt like her. its my opinion that they just didnt take the time to get to know her or try to understand her position in the world. i still love her and see her on occassion and she still waves that goofy(cute) wave whenever she sees me. she made a huge impact on me and has since helped me figure out a little more of my place in the world.