wow, im a slacky blogger. its been forever since i posted something, and for that i apologize.
Alot has happened since my last post. it was the "summer o' fun" and we didnt even get half of our activities in.
But we did make it to idaho this year. in fact we just got back a few days ago. im sooooo glad we went. i should know better and always go on the vacation jay wants to go on. im usually never very excited to go but im always glad i did when i get back.
something changed in my brain when we reached an area in kimberly, idaho. we were exploring and dreaming about properties we might purchase when all this hellish school is complete. we came accross a little neighborhood, i guess you could call it that, it had moderate houses on big properties. a couple acres or so, when i had this amazing crystalizing moment. it was the strongest deja-vu i have ever experienced. ive even dreamed about this place a couple times. it felt like we should just be pulling into our driveway and walking into the house. it was amazing how strong this feeling of home and complete security was. jay even had the same feeling at the same time.
since we decided to move out of our house and into the basement we had to completely start over. i mean 100% start over with nothing. everything we have is in a 10x10 storage locker in kearns......you know, not including what we have stashed in the very cramped bedroom i slept in when i was 14. we had absolutely no money in the bank and jay lost his job just a couple months after we moved to the basement. anyway, my point of starting over is that we just didnt have to monetarily start over. we had to start over mentally. kel had just had surgery and we were going to be having a baby in about 2 months after the move. so new house(one bedroom for the 5 of us), no money, new rules(living with my mom), new parenting styes(or forced lack thereof), new ways to interact with jay even. not to mention gage having to switch schools and kelty starting school the next year. i guess things were very taxing. even with my annoyance of the people around me i appreciae everything my parents have done for me. i now have a deeper understanding of my family as the people they are. which leads me to my crystalizing moment in idaho....
i have always said that i wanted to live close to my parents because my grandparents live far away and i would have liked to have had a more "everyday" relationship with them. it would have been nice to have grandma and gramp at school functions and sunday dinner. it would have been cool to have a bigger support system closer. but in the last 4 or so years i have been almost longing in a way to go somewhere else. i have been in the same corner of the salt lake valley my entire life. and i straight up dont like it anymore.
its quite the shift in attitude in me.when i first married jay it was like i couldnt stand the thought of leaving my mom. i needed her still. i needed the safety net. jay was wonderful to recognize that and be patient with me. the truth is, he would just move with me anywhere i wanted to go. but im not happy here anymore. i need to get up to idaho. and here are my reasons: jay and i agree that raising kids in a small town is better than in the city. we could afford a big property with a nice house. its a wonderful sense of community in a smaller rural area(im no starnger to small town living, i "grew up" in a town smaller than rupert idaho) and its just what we want. the area we would like to live in is total farm country. theres rolling fields of beautiful green tall corn everywhere. its a really cool recreational area with lots to do. the schools are small and in a really good district. and i could stretch my wings. i feel good up there and it feels right. i wish we could go now but there are some drawbacks. we have to wait until school is finished, which means at least 3 more years of basement dwelling. ugh, i get so impatient. now that ive found the place i just want to go. and im going to miss seeing my family and friends every day. i know theyll come and visit but i dont want to miss out on their lives.....but its time we start living our own and be a stronger nuclear family unit. i have this weird feeling of wanting my kids back. its hard to share them with everyone and almost take a secondary role to mothering. in a very small way it feels like ive been made more into their older sister or nanny. i want to be the mom and not have to have a concensus with 4 people on disciplinary rules and bedtime. its weird living here at times. i just want to be the mom again and have time to see my husband.
there can be alot of tension here. but i think its been the best thing for us. my apron strings are cut and i feel like a stronger person for it. i no longer need my moms aproval on everything. its sad it took me this long. getting pregnant at 19 made me grow up pretty fast but in ways in stopped me from growing at all. im so glad the circle is almost complete and that all these trials have been teaching moments. Direction is a wonderful thing to have. something to look forward to. something to work for and sweat and pray about. its been a long time living in limbo and im ready to sit on the front porch staring at the corn and listening to my chickens in the back yard, its going to be great!