a.very.good.weekend..........and some spiritual stuff

hello blogging buddies.

so, shall we talk about something light hearted today? i think we should 'cuz im always ranting about my crappy job.

i would like to tell you about my trip to St. George last weekend and then onto some philosophical mumbo jumbo.

first up, st. george!!! i love southern utah! before i met the love of my life, who decided to randomly lick my face last night(just thought you all should know), i wanted to move down south. i was for sure going "down south". i had applied to dixie state college, which is now a university(good for them). and was looking into jobs and appartments. then life happened and plans were changed. i ended up staying in salt lake. but i always wanted to move there. anywho, we took the kids down there for a random weekend. it was soooo lovely and mild in the weather! we went to snow canyon and played in the dunes and let the kids climb on the rocks. we stayed in the coronada inn. dont ever stay there. it was a roach motel and gross. fork out the extra cash and stay somewhere decent. which we will be doing on our next trip down there. lesson learned. we ate and played and went swimming and went to see the temple. it was great and not nearly long enough.

secondly, some mumbo jumbo? ooh yes some mumbo please. i ask the question, which i was presented with this week on a COMPLETELY random day with a very unexpected visitor, have i been mistaking promptings with feelings? oh. so. deep. i will let you draw your own conclusions on your personal thoughts on this matter but it drew up another question for me. was i sure what an actual prompting is? i sat and pondered for a while and came to the conclusion that i have been mistaking promptings for feelings. according to me a prompting is a nudging, if you will, from the holy ghost. its not just a thought. for me, promptings are stronger than feelings. they are the sure understanding of something. nothing wishy washy about the feeling that comes from a prompting but an almost absolute assurance about something. ive had promptings in my life only a few times. and they have all been strong enough not to question but to just do.
there have also been times in my life, now that i can look back and see, that sometimes these things that i have been fixated on have not been weird neurotic "aerial things" but guidance from my Heavenly Father. some things took me in a completely different direction and honestly, i wasnt sure why certain things were happening or why i was doing certain things. just that these certain things felt right. promptings are thoughts and feelings. the strong ones for me are the ones that are offered up with such certainty that i dont question i just know, if you will. then followed by the sweet comfort of the holy ghost.
when youre 4 years old and walking out into a busy street to retrieve your ball and you hear that inflection in your mothers voice when shes yelling at you to get out of danger is kind of how i feel about it. the 4 year old doesnt question the mother. the child somply obeys because of absolute trust and love. and a response to the alarm in the mothers voice. a prompting is the inflection in my Heavenly Fathers voice to help guide me.
i have such a thick head that sometimes i need to be yelled at with such gusto so that i'll listen. i have a prompting right now in my life. almost a nagging, a dragging(kicking and screaming) into something new and different. i dont know how i feel about it. well, i know i should just obey. it may not be something i ever thought i would end up doing but i guess i should make it happen. the time is now, and all i know is that someone is waiting for me in this new endeavor and i hope i can live up to what Heavenly Father has in store for me.

i feel defeated by nursing. i feel like it has me in its grasp and this nursing bug is going to make me a nurse because its the only thing in know how to do. i would like to have a job thats lets me live my own life. for example, not being so dog tired at the end of my shift to even deal with my kids at home. i would like to be able to know that im not going to have to interrupt christmas every year so i can go to work. i would LOVE to have a saturday off without having to have a serious tantrum to my boss. i absolutely hate the masses in generals attitude. old people talk about younger people being so entitled.....puhhhhlease! almost all the old people i come across at work are entitled simply because theyre old. gah, im starting to hate oldy moldies!

buuuuut, i also love this job. when its good its reallllllllly good!......and vice versa. i think im just burned out on this floor. i need a change. i want to go to nursing school but now im afraid. i would like to go to SLCC so i dont have to pay an arm and a leg to just get through it, and kindof shoot myself in the foot by going to a trade school. its just so hard and time consuming. i want to get the "good" degree but SLCC makes it almost impossible to even get into the program now.

there are so many things to complain about when it comes to this job. i guess i just dont like this floor. its the most demanding place to work in the hospital. and ive ranted and raved and stated that im never going to be a nurse and im going to do something else with better hours and less personal sacrifice. i really would love to just have an office job but i feel like its never going to compare to this. i love having 4 days off every week and getting good pay for the actual work i do. nursing also lends alot of flexibility(if youre willing to complain and cry to your boss:) i really do love it.

if i go to a trade school for nursing its going to cost about 55,000 dollars. whaaaaaaaat! thats crazy! i kow it is. im willing to do it though. if i went to ameritech i cold be done in 18 months and on the floor working as an RN. is the short amount of time worth the extra 40k? i dont know. probly not because it would disqualify, for lack of a better term, any graduate school education. i dont think i want to be a NP but i still would like to know that i could have the opportunity if i wanted to.

geez, i always complain about the same things huh. yup, its a pain. if you have to read about it imagine living it. sucks to be me sometimes. but my job can be incredibly...at times :)

my wonderful co-worker had a brilliant idea! i was talking to her about going back to school and what a struggle it will be and blah blah blah, school sucks kinda thing. shes in the same position as me. she has kids and is locked into her work schedule and some other things too, of course. anywho, she said "im not going to school to be a nurse 'cause they are just slaves and pooper scoopers. so im waiting until my youngest is in school. i only have 2 years to wait and then i can do what i want instead of doing 'this'".

wait, what?! that was a fresh perspective to me. i only have 3 years to wait and then baby cheetoh will be in school. k so, im not going to waste these 3 years. i at least want to start on generals again.....ugh again. shoot me please! oh well, this has to be done. the only bad thing is........to do what i want to do i would have to get a ph.d. yikes! its so daunting! but i did find out that 2 of the colleges offer the full ph.d program i want to do.

oh my, what am i doing? im just going to do something enjoyable.

just have to get this off my chest. i hate going to relief society. it pretty much sucks the big one. and this is why....its gotten so "cliquey" and snooty. and the people in charge are totally oblivious to it. when we have homemaking its seriously just a waste of time. no one wants to put any effort into actually making the get-together, of sorts, any kind of worth while experience. i dont learn anything. now correct me if im wrong but i thought relief society was there to help me learn things and grow. whether it be spiritually or physically. when did we stop having homemakings that taught us things? when did it turn into social hour for the presidency. dont get me wrong, i love the women in the presidency.....individually. i wonder if they realize how they are just turning into a little clique.

i do feel a little insecure when it comes to this clique thing. but who doesnt? im a big girl and pull myself by my bootstraps and dont let my neurosis get to me. im not the only one who feels like this though, and thats the problem.

the other totally sucky thing is, the actual activities. theyre borring and dumb. lets learn something or figure out how to be better moms. lets have a gardening night or for heavens sake, help someone! why dont we start nurturing the women of our ward and build a strong and united front of mothers and friends. nope, we put on ridiculous skits and wear dumb hats to visit with eachother for an hour. so lame.

i dont think my feelings about homemaking are a secret. and i like to attend relief society on sundays. i just wish things werent being avertised on facebook for the entire relief society to see and make the other women in the ward that arent invited to these little get togethers feel bad. thats all. soap box done.

wheres my word for the year?

every year i pick a couple of words that embody either characteristics or traits that i would like to work on. some of the words in previous years have been things like "resolute" and "steadfast". but this year i have picked a phrase and a word. the phrase is, "be fearless" aaaaand the word is "vivacious".

le'me'splain. by being fearless i dont mean reckless or dumb. i mean to just get out there and do the things that i want to do but for some reason hold myself back from doing. now, back in the day going to Lagoon would be no biggie. but now i have some trepidation about it, cuz i dont want to be the fat person that has to get off the rollercoaster because i cant close the safety thingy. i know, that probaby wouldnt happen but in my present state of fatness, it might. so i am being fearless about getting into better shape a losing some weight sooooooo i can be vivacious. even more so than normal :)

i love the word vivacious. i feel that it is me. but i have gotten to the point that being truly vivacious has gotten hard and expensive. i feel like i have a ton of energy and that i can still hold onto my youth.....some way or another. driving a mini van isnt helping though. i feel like i just need to be even more fearless so i can be even more vivacious.

soooooo..........

i dont have much of anything on my mind today. other than i need to lose some weight! i didnt go to weight watchers in january and have been putting off. im a terrible eater and eat waaaaaay too much salt, im guessing because i eat way too much fast food. and since i consume way too much salt, my BP is a little elevated. the last reading this morning was 135/90. omg, i am pre-hypertensive!

so, i need to drop a few. i'll keep ya'll posted on my weight loss journey.

hey, who are you?

just a little experiment. i have no idea who reads my blog...except for a couple of people :).

i dont care who reads it. i just ask that you leave a comment....it can be anonymous.....or not. just leave some sort of comment.


are my random ramblings getting to anyone?