sooooo, i havent blogged regularly in about a year. and it was a good break. some things just had to give and unfortunately it was the blog.....and i dont work graveyards anymore so theres not alot of down time to fill.
anywho, nothings new. just the usual quirks have remained intact. The brain tumor is not there. the last mri didnt show anything. whew!
Still going through the motions... trying to decide whether or not i should finish my nursing degree or go to school to be a teacher. any comments or feedback on which would be a better choice are deffinately welcome. thats about the only thing that my brain spins about anymore. I guess its a good thing.
thats about it for the day.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
im not dead
well, its been a while since ive written on this blog. i needed some time to clear my head and not make all my neurotic ways public.
nothing much has happened since my last post. we moved from our old house and into moms basement. its been ok but certainly has been a weird and different experience. Kelty started school, kindergarten to be specific. she loves school and is doing well. The school wont let herplay on the playground due to the tumor thing. But everything is good with her for the moment...........(more to come about that at the end of this post)
My baby Gage is doing ok too. He seems to be disinterested in school right now but no bullying issues thus yet. He seems to be happier, but i do wonder if he has some depression. Matt has severe clinical depression and it seems to be hereditary and im terrified gage has it. But his general outlook is good. Hes getting so big and so mature. If you can say that about an 8 and half year old.
Edynn is a challenge....and so wonderful. I miss her today while im at work. Shes soooo noisy and yells constantly! I never knew a baby could be so demanding! She has such a sweet little smile and just popped out her 2nd tooth.
so, as with any other blog post for the last 3 years it begins and ends with my therapy. im happy that this blog serves as my therapy for dealing with a child with a brain tumor. I dont know what to say other than all those old crazy, anxiety riddled feelings are coming back. We have an MRI scheduled for next monday and im getting worried. I didnt even think about it until today. And now i feel like the flood gates are opening. I wont write too muvh in detail other than.........this sucks and I feel like crying.
nothing much has happened since my last post. we moved from our old house and into moms basement. its been ok but certainly has been a weird and different experience. Kelty started school, kindergarten to be specific. she loves school and is doing well. The school wont let herplay on the playground due to the tumor thing. But everything is good with her for the moment...........(more to come about that at the end of this post)
My baby Gage is doing ok too. He seems to be disinterested in school right now but no bullying issues thus yet. He seems to be happier, but i do wonder if he has some depression. Matt has severe clinical depression and it seems to be hereditary and im terrified gage has it. But his general outlook is good. Hes getting so big and so mature. If you can say that about an 8 and half year old.
Edynn is a challenge....and so wonderful. I miss her today while im at work. Shes soooo noisy and yells constantly! I never knew a baby could be so demanding! She has such a sweet little smile and just popped out her 2nd tooth.
so, as with any other blog post for the last 3 years it begins and ends with my therapy. im happy that this blog serves as my therapy for dealing with a child with a brain tumor. I dont know what to say other than all those old crazy, anxiety riddled feelings are coming back. We have an MRI scheduled for next monday and im getting worried. I didnt even think about it until today. And now i feel like the flood gates are opening. I wont write too muvh in detail other than.........this sucks and I feel like crying.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
mmmmm k
I have a new rant. S s s so, if your in the hospital with something highly contageous and airborne wouldnt you just understand the mask I have to wear into the room is for MY safety and the safety of the other patients? Apparently not.
So my rant is.....dont lie about being a nurse or CNA/EMT if your not one. It seems to be an unspoken code between us healthcare slaves that we'll test you to see if you really do know a little somethin' somethin' about all this mumbo jumbo we call "care".
A patient told me she was a retired nurse. Maybe shes super old school. Like way before masks and precautions were put in place to save my life from your "ick". Buuuuuut shes only in her 50's. mmmmm k, starting to get suspicious after she asked me what the mask was for. So, this "retired nurse" (air quotes all over the place!) proceeds to tell me that the blood pressure cuff was squeezing too tight and hurting her arm. Ok they hurt, I get it. But then she tells me that we have a mans cuff on the machine.......I almost pointed and laughed at her!.......there are no mens and womens cuffs! Theyre all universal! A nurse would know that!
While I was laughing and pointing in my mind shes telling me that shes extremely hypertensive because of the cuff. Yeah right, lady Im looking at all your previous vital signs for the last 3 days and theres nothing indicating hypertension. I read them all to her and she still thinks she hypertensive. Starting to suspect her credentials even more......geez.
My rant is, if you dont have the slightest clue about fundamental nursing dont tell me your a nurse
So my rant is.....dont lie about being a nurse or CNA/EMT if your not one. It seems to be an unspoken code between us healthcare slaves that we'll test you to see if you really do know a little somethin' somethin' about all this mumbo jumbo we call "care".
A patient told me she was a retired nurse. Maybe shes super old school. Like way before masks and precautions were put in place to save my life from your "ick". Buuuuuut shes only in her 50's. mmmmm k, starting to get suspicious after she asked me what the mask was for. So, this "retired nurse" (air quotes all over the place!) proceeds to tell me that the blood pressure cuff was squeezing too tight and hurting her arm. Ok they hurt, I get it. But then she tells me that we have a mans cuff on the machine.......I almost pointed and laughed at her!.......there are no mens and womens cuffs! Theyre all universal! A nurse would know that!
While I was laughing and pointing in my mind shes telling me that shes extremely hypertensive because of the cuff. Yeah right, lady Im looking at all your previous vital signs for the last 3 days and theres nothing indicating hypertension. I read them all to her and she still thinks she hypertensive. Starting to suspect her credentials even more......geez.
My rant is, if you dont have the slightest clue about fundamental nursing dont tell me your a nurse
Monday, January 23, 2012
What is up with that?
So Ive been thinking I should blog more. I hate typing on the computer at home because its a laptop and the keys are funny feeling to my fingers. I know, call me crazy but I dont like to type on that computer. But the same thing keeps happening to me. Every time I think of a good topic for a post I cant write about it.....or even rant about something 'cuz all these weird emotions keep bubbling up about Kelty.
I thought I was dealing well with the tumor thing but I guess I still have some more feelings about it. Sorry readers, another post about feelings....argh, its pretty frustrating to me too.
Feelings feelings feelings. I have way too many feelings. The most prominent feeling for me is fear. Fear of the unknown. Ick how cliche. Its really the fear of not knowing whats going to happen to kel. I dont know if shell be able to deal with school this coming year. It kills me to think about if shell be made fun of because of some of the effects(disabilities if you wish) of the tumors. It feels like my heart gets ripped out on a daily basis thinking about the probability that she could die before she grows old. I just wish I could know how her life is going to go. Its kindof weird to always walk on the edge with her.
One of my sis-in-laws was talking about her sisters little boy who is severely handicapped from a massive cva as an infant. She said something to the effect that her sister has this little boy because Heavenly Father knew she could handle something like that and that she would have the strength to do it. Now, I think of myself as a strong woman. Not very many things deter me but this "kid being sick thing" gets to me. I try to be strong about it but I dont feel like I am. I may be pretty stone-faced about it to alot of people but as you may know, I have a hard time expressing deep emotions to people that arent close to me(like almost everyone that isnt Jay). I still go to work and go about my daily duties because through all of this tumor turmoil Ive learned that life is fragile, and if Heavenly Father wants Kelty back he'll take her. At least I know she'll have important work to do in Heaven.
Geez, feelings after feelings huh? Theyre pretty heavy and hard to bear. It sure is nice to know that I'm not the only one thats going through a hard time with this. And its good to have an outlet to almost lift the weight. Although Im not sure that I would give all the weight up, honestly, I would rather carry it. It seems like giving the weight of the situation up would feel like giving up to me. Maybe I like the punishment of it? who knows. All I know is that its better for me to write about it than bottle it up inside.
I thought I was dealing well with the tumor thing but I guess I still have some more feelings about it. Sorry readers, another post about feelings....argh, its pretty frustrating to me too.
Feelings feelings feelings. I have way too many feelings. The most prominent feeling for me is fear. Fear of the unknown. Ick how cliche. Its really the fear of not knowing whats going to happen to kel. I dont know if shell be able to deal with school this coming year. It kills me to think about if shell be made fun of because of some of the effects(disabilities if you wish) of the tumors. It feels like my heart gets ripped out on a daily basis thinking about the probability that she could die before she grows old. I just wish I could know how her life is going to go. Its kindof weird to always walk on the edge with her.
One of my sis-in-laws was talking about her sisters little boy who is severely handicapped from a massive cva as an infant. She said something to the effect that her sister has this little boy because Heavenly Father knew she could handle something like that and that she would have the strength to do it. Now, I think of myself as a strong woman. Not very many things deter me but this "kid being sick thing" gets to me. I try to be strong about it but I dont feel like I am. I may be pretty stone-faced about it to alot of people but as you may know, I have a hard time expressing deep emotions to people that arent close to me(like almost everyone that isnt Jay). I still go to work and go about my daily duties because through all of this tumor turmoil Ive learned that life is fragile, and if Heavenly Father wants Kelty back he'll take her. At least I know she'll have important work to do in Heaven.
Geez, feelings after feelings huh? Theyre pretty heavy and hard to bear. It sure is nice to know that I'm not the only one thats going through a hard time with this. And its good to have an outlet to almost lift the weight. Although Im not sure that I would give all the weight up, honestly, I would rather carry it. It seems like giving the weight of the situation up would feel like giving up to me. Maybe I like the punishment of it? who knows. All I know is that its better for me to write about it than bottle it up inside.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Long time no blog
So I havent written for a long time for many reasons. I usually write on this blog while Im at work and i havent been working much lately cuz I was on maternity leave. My beautiful baby girl Edynn was born November 28th 2011. And shes been keeping me very busy!
Another reason I havent been blogging much lately is because I originally started this blog as a journal of my feelings. At the time I started this I was going through alot with MacKelty and I needed a way to get all the feelings out. Plus I didnt feel like I had anything good to say for a long time because I was beyond stressed and depressed over the possibility of losing my child.
But I am grateful for this blog because it helps me process my feelings and just get it out without burdening my family with all the bad thoughts and fears that were taking ahold of me.
So I say to you, dear readers, thankyou for listening even if I havent posted much....even if I havent posted much about the painful journey of having a child with a brain tumor. Thanks, I appreciate an outlet more than anyone knows.
Should we get to a 2011 year in review? I think we shall!
January 2011-
I seriously dont remember much from last January. Probly was just hoping to get January done with.....I hate the winter months.
February-
Valentines day! I love Valentines day! I got my annual roses from Jay
March-
Nothing in particular happened this month. Oh wait, we bought our little red car.
April-
Just waiting for the freadful snow to go away this month and threw my sons first birthday party ever. It snowed that day and it was supposed to be at a park....so we moved it to the Arctic Circle. He had a great time and lots of kids turned out. Mom and Ash made him a treasure chest cake.
May-
Nothing much this month
June-
Jays b-day! We went downtown and had machines guns and waffles!
July-
love July! love summer!
August-
Waiting for news on what to do kels tumor. It was also her birthday this month. She had a cute princess cake. Getting hugely preggo too.
September-
MacKelty had another tumor removed. Sad,angry and worried this month. We also moved out of our house.
October-
Living with mom and dad now. Doing better, some of the incredible stress is being lifted. Gage started at his new school and is loving it.
November-
My b-day! We went to Braza grill for b-day dinner, it was awesome! Waiting for Edynn to come and getting massively preggo. Edynn was born on the 28th.
December-
The first year I didnt have to work on x-mas!
I know my year in review sucks. We didnt do much and yet it feels like it was the busiest year ever. To be honest, the year was filled with anxiety,depression and anger over Kel having another brain tumor. This 2nd tumor was worse for me because I had time to stew on it and think about over and over. Maybe being all hormonal and pregnant didnt help anything huh? But the year was sprinkled with bright spots. Alot of sprikles happen to me. And for that I am grateful. So sayonara 2011! You sucked! I have a feeling 2012 is going to be alot better.
Another reason I havent been blogging much lately is because I originally started this blog as a journal of my feelings. At the time I started this I was going through alot with MacKelty and I needed a way to get all the feelings out. Plus I didnt feel like I had anything good to say for a long time because I was beyond stressed and depressed over the possibility of losing my child.
But I am grateful for this blog because it helps me process my feelings and just get it out without burdening my family with all the bad thoughts and fears that were taking ahold of me.
So I say to you, dear readers, thankyou for listening even if I havent posted much....even if I havent posted much about the painful journey of having a child with a brain tumor. Thanks, I appreciate an outlet more than anyone knows.
Should we get to a 2011 year in review? I think we shall!
January 2011-
I seriously dont remember much from last January. Probly was just hoping to get January done with.....I hate the winter months.
February-
Valentines day! I love Valentines day! I got my annual roses from Jay
March-
Nothing in particular happened this month. Oh wait, we bought our little red car.
April-
Just waiting for the freadful snow to go away this month and threw my sons first birthday party ever. It snowed that day and it was supposed to be at a park....so we moved it to the Arctic Circle. He had a great time and lots of kids turned out. Mom and Ash made him a treasure chest cake.
May-
Nothing much this month
June-
Jays b-day! We went downtown and had machines guns and waffles!
July-
love July! love summer!
August-
Waiting for news on what to do kels tumor. It was also her birthday this month. She had a cute princess cake. Getting hugely preggo too.
September-
MacKelty had another tumor removed. Sad,angry and worried this month. We also moved out of our house.
October-
Living with mom and dad now. Doing better, some of the incredible stress is being lifted. Gage started at his new school and is loving it.
November-
My b-day! We went to Braza grill for b-day dinner, it was awesome! Waiting for Edynn to come and getting massively preggo. Edynn was born on the 28th.
December-
The first year I didnt have to work on x-mas!
I know my year in review sucks. We didnt do much and yet it feels like it was the busiest year ever. To be honest, the year was filled with anxiety,depression and anger over Kel having another brain tumor. This 2nd tumor was worse for me because I had time to stew on it and think about over and over. Maybe being all hormonal and pregnant didnt help anything huh? But the year was sprinkled with bright spots. Alot of sprikles happen to me. And for that I am grateful. So sayonara 2011! You sucked! I have a feeling 2012 is going to be alot better.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Mom, avert your eyes....ok ok go ahead and read this
My mom asked me the other day what my favorite things about Jay were. Hmmm, how do you answer something like that? Well, Ive been thinking about what my most favorite thing about Jay is. Mom if your reading this..........continue on, this will not be a smutty post.
My most favorite thing about Jay is that he just understands me. He gets me. I know it sounds so cliche but its true. Ever since the first day I met Jay I was in love with him. We have this cosmic understanding between us. I dont have to say anything, he just knows. Its like he looks at my heart instead of all my neurotic ways. Thats what my MOST favorite thing about Jay is.
The other things I love are as follows:
-I love his crows feet. (There is nothing more beautiful than laugh lines)
-I love his laugh
-I love that hes way stronger than me. sometimes he makes me feel dainty :)
-I love his heart
-I love his desire to be the best dad he can
-I love all his movie lines....even though I dont know where half of them come from
-I Love that he always wants to please me
-I love his man thighs....hahahahahaha lol
-I love that hes my best friend
-I love that he makes me a whole person
-I love that he picks me up when Im down and recognizes my weaknesses
-I love that my weaknesses are his strengths
-I love everything about him.
I could go on and on and on. That little list is just a few little things that make me love him.
My most favorite thing about Jay is that he just understands me. He gets me. I know it sounds so cliche but its true. Ever since the first day I met Jay I was in love with him. We have this cosmic understanding between us. I dont have to say anything, he just knows. Its like he looks at my heart instead of all my neurotic ways. Thats what my MOST favorite thing about Jay is.
The other things I love are as follows:
-I love his crows feet. (There is nothing more beautiful than laugh lines)
-I love his laugh
-I love that hes way stronger than me. sometimes he makes me feel dainty :)
-I love his heart
-I love his desire to be the best dad he can
-I love all his movie lines....even though I dont know where half of them come from
-I Love that he always wants to please me
-I love his man thighs....hahahahahaha lol
-I love that hes my best friend
-I love that he makes me a whole person
-I love that he picks me up when Im down and recognizes my weaknesses
-I love that my weaknesses are his strengths
-I love everything about him.
I could go on and on and on. That little list is just a few little things that make me love him.
a smidgeon of an update
I dont know if smidgeon is spelled right but you know what Im sayin', right?
Well, we're almost completely out of our house. And we're totally into moms house. ugh. It really hasnt been too bad. Theres been only one issue and I was pretty sure its going to be one of few issues we have there. I was really concerned about a few key things. First off, Im still a little concerned about my kids minding me. They already seem to be thinking grandma is the ultimate boss and what I say doesnt matter anymore. Ive been working pretty hard on staying the "mom" of my kids and not letting anyone else do it. I have a sinking feeling that Im the only one struggling with that. Its hard to say knock it off to your family when its still a little weird being there.
Then I was worried about getting along with my sister. I love my sister. We're finally friends and I didnt want to mess that up. We've had a little bit of a spat already and I was really upset about it. Because, in my old age, Ive become quite confrontational(thanks to the job) and I wasnt about to back down at any point that particular day. Instead, I realized I needed to cool off and be by myself... or there probly would have been some words said I would've regretted. So, I spent the day sitting at home eating Wendys delicious burgers and crying. Because Im massively pregnant and emotional.
I was initially a little worried about mine and Jays relationship. We have an extremely strong marriage and a good foundation. Ive already learned even after a few weeks of living at moms again that as long as Jay and I are together we're ok.
So, its been pretty good actually. Jay and I want to use this time to get everything payed off and focus on school. After having a catastrophic amount of medical bills to pay we're grateful for the opportunity to move forward with our lives and get kel taken care of. Even though it has meant making alot of hard decisions and leaving the first house we bought together.
We're excited to move forward from now on.
Well, we're almost completely out of our house. And we're totally into moms house. ugh. It really hasnt been too bad. Theres been only one issue and I was pretty sure its going to be one of few issues we have there. I was really concerned about a few key things. First off, Im still a little concerned about my kids minding me. They already seem to be thinking grandma is the ultimate boss and what I say doesnt matter anymore. Ive been working pretty hard on staying the "mom" of my kids and not letting anyone else do it. I have a sinking feeling that Im the only one struggling with that. Its hard to say knock it off to your family when its still a little weird being there.
Then I was worried about getting along with my sister. I love my sister. We're finally friends and I didnt want to mess that up. We've had a little bit of a spat already and I was really upset about it. Because, in my old age, Ive become quite confrontational(thanks to the job) and I wasnt about to back down at any point that particular day. Instead, I realized I needed to cool off and be by myself... or there probly would have been some words said I would've regretted. So, I spent the day sitting at home eating Wendys delicious burgers and crying. Because Im massively pregnant and emotional.
I was initially a little worried about mine and Jays relationship. We have an extremely strong marriage and a good foundation. Ive already learned even after a few weeks of living at moms again that as long as Jay and I are together we're ok.
So, its been pretty good actually. Jay and I want to use this time to get everything payed off and focus on school. After having a catastrophic amount of medical bills to pay we're grateful for the opportunity to move forward with our lives and get kel taken care of. Even though it has meant making alot of hard decisions and leaving the first house we bought together.
We're excited to move forward from now on.
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