What is up with that?

So Ive been thinking I should blog more. I hate typing on the computer at home because its a laptop and the keys are funny feeling to my fingers. I know, call me crazy but I dont like to type on that computer. But the same thing keeps happening to me. Every time I think of a good topic for a post I cant write about it.....or even rant about something 'cuz all these weird emotions keep bubbling up about Kelty.

I thought I was dealing well with the tumor thing but I guess I still have some more feelings about it. Sorry readers, another post about feelings....argh, its pretty frustrating to me too.

Feelings feelings feelings. I have way too many feelings. The most prominent feeling for me is fear. Fear of the unknown. Ick how cliche. Its really the fear of not knowing whats going to happen to kel. I dont know if shell be able to deal with school this coming year. It kills me to think about if shell be made fun of because of some of the effects(disabilities if you wish) of the tumors. It feels like my heart gets ripped out on a daily basis thinking about the probability that she could die before she grows old. I just wish I could know how her life is going to go. Its kindof weird to always walk on the edge with her.

One of my sis-in-laws was talking about her sisters little boy who is severely handicapped from a massive cva as an infant. She said something to the effect that her sister has this little boy because Heavenly Father knew she could handle something like that and that she would have the strength to do it. Now, I think of myself as a strong woman. Not very many things deter me but this "kid being sick thing" gets to me. I try to be strong about it but I dont feel like I am. I may be pretty stone-faced about it to alot of people but as you may know, I have a hard time expressing deep emotions to people that arent close to me(like almost everyone that isnt Jay). I still go to work and go about my daily duties because through all of this tumor turmoil Ive learned that life is fragile, and if Heavenly Father wants Kelty back he'll take her. At least I know she'll have important work to do in Heaven.

Geez, feelings after feelings huh? Theyre pretty heavy and hard to bear. It sure is nice to know that I'm not the only one thats going through a hard time with this. And its good to have an outlet to almost lift the weight. Although Im not sure that I would give all the weight up, honestly, I would rather carry it. It seems like giving the weight of the situation up would feel like giving up to me. Maybe I like the punishment of it? who knows. All I know is that its better for me to write about it than bottle it up inside.