mmmmm k

I have a new rant. S s s so, if your in the hospital with something highly contageous and airborne wouldnt you just understand the mask I have to wear into the room is for MY safety and the safety of the other patients? Apparently not.

So my rant is.....dont lie about being a nurse or CNA/EMT if your not one. It seems to be an unspoken code between us healthcare slaves that we'll test you to see if you really do know a little somethin' somethin' about all this mumbo jumbo we call "care".
A patient told me she was a retired nurse. Maybe shes super old school. Like way before masks and precautions were put in place to save my life from your "ick". Buuuuuut shes only in her 50's. mmmmm k, starting to get suspicious after she asked me what the mask was for. So, this "retired nurse" (air quotes all over the place!) proceeds to tell me that the blood pressure cuff was squeezing too tight and hurting her arm. Ok they hurt, I get it. But then she tells me that we have a mans cuff on the machine.......I almost pointed and laughed at her!.......there are no mens and womens cuffs! Theyre all universal! A nurse would know that!

While I was laughing and pointing in my mind shes telling me that shes extremely hypertensive because of the cuff. Yeah right, lady Im looking at all your previous vital signs for the last 3 days and theres nothing indicating hypertension. I read them all to her and she still thinks she hypertensive. Starting to suspect her credentials even more......geez.

My rant is, if you dont have the slightest clue about fundamental nursing dont tell me your a nurse

What is up with that?

So Ive been thinking I should blog more. I hate typing on the computer at home because its a laptop and the keys are funny feeling to my fingers. I know, call me crazy but I dont like to type on that computer. But the same thing keeps happening to me. Every time I think of a good topic for a post I cant write about it.....or even rant about something 'cuz all these weird emotions keep bubbling up about Kelty.

I thought I was dealing well with the tumor thing but I guess I still have some more feelings about it. Sorry readers, another post about feelings....argh, its pretty frustrating to me too.

Feelings feelings feelings. I have way too many feelings. The most prominent feeling for me is fear. Fear of the unknown. Ick how cliche. Its really the fear of not knowing whats going to happen to kel. I dont know if shell be able to deal with school this coming year. It kills me to think about if shell be made fun of because of some of the effects(disabilities if you wish) of the tumors. It feels like my heart gets ripped out on a daily basis thinking about the probability that she could die before she grows old. I just wish I could know how her life is going to go. Its kindof weird to always walk on the edge with her.

One of my sis-in-laws was talking about her sisters little boy who is severely handicapped from a massive cva as an infant. She said something to the effect that her sister has this little boy because Heavenly Father knew she could handle something like that and that she would have the strength to do it. Now, I think of myself as a strong woman. Not very many things deter me but this "kid being sick thing" gets to me. I try to be strong about it but I dont feel like I am. I may be pretty stone-faced about it to alot of people but as you may know, I have a hard time expressing deep emotions to people that arent close to me(like almost everyone that isnt Jay). I still go to work and go about my daily duties because through all of this tumor turmoil Ive learned that life is fragile, and if Heavenly Father wants Kelty back he'll take her. At least I know she'll have important work to do in Heaven.

Geez, feelings after feelings huh? Theyre pretty heavy and hard to bear. It sure is nice to know that I'm not the only one thats going through a hard time with this. And its good to have an outlet to almost lift the weight. Although Im not sure that I would give all the weight up, honestly, I would rather carry it. It seems like giving the weight of the situation up would feel like giving up to me. Maybe I like the punishment of it? who knows. All I know is that its better for me to write about it than bottle it up inside.

Long time no blog

So I havent written for a long time for many reasons. I usually write on this blog while Im at work and i havent been working much lately cuz I was on maternity leave. My beautiful baby girl Edynn was born November 28th 2011. And shes been keeping me very busy!

Another reason I havent been blogging much lately is because I originally started this blog as a journal of my feelings. At the time I started this I was going through alot with MacKelty and I needed a way to get all the feelings out. Plus I didnt feel like I had anything good to say for a long time because I was beyond stressed and depressed over the possibility of losing my child.
But I am grateful for this blog because it helps me process my feelings and just get it out without burdening my family with all the bad thoughts and fears that were taking ahold of me.

So I say to you, dear readers, thankyou for listening even if I havent posted much....even if I havent posted much about the painful journey of having a child with a brain tumor. Thanks, I appreciate an outlet more than anyone knows.

Should we get to a 2011 year in review? I think we shall!

January 2011-
I seriously dont remember much from last January. Probly was just hoping to get January done with.....I hate the winter months.

February-
Valentines day! I love Valentines day! I got my annual roses from Jay

March-
Nothing in particular happened this month. Oh wait, we bought our little red car.

April-
Just waiting for the freadful snow to go away this month and threw my sons first birthday party ever. It snowed that day and it was supposed to be at a park....so we moved it to the Arctic Circle. He had a great time and lots of kids turned out. Mom and Ash made him a treasure chest cake.

May-
Nothing much this month

June-
Jays b-day! We went downtown and had machines guns and waffles!

July-
love July! love summer!

August-
Waiting for news on what to do kels tumor. It was also her birthday this month. She had a cute princess cake. Getting hugely preggo too.

September-
MacKelty had another tumor removed. Sad,angry and worried this month. We also moved out of our house.

October-
Living with mom and dad now. Doing better, some of the incredible stress is being lifted. Gage started at his new school and is loving it.

November-
My b-day! We went to Braza grill for b-day dinner, it was awesome! Waiting for Edynn to come and getting massively preggo. Edynn was born on the 28th.

December-
The first year I didnt have to work on x-mas!

I know my year in review sucks. We didnt do much and yet it feels like it was the busiest year ever. To be honest, the year was filled with anxiety,depression and anger over Kel having another brain tumor. This 2nd tumor was worse for me because I had time to stew on it and think about over and over. Maybe being all hormonal and pregnant didnt help anything huh? But the year was sprinkled with bright spots. Alot of sprikles happen to me. And for that I am grateful. So sayonara 2011! You sucked! I have a feeling 2012 is going to be alot better.

Mom, avert your eyes....ok ok go ahead and read this

My mom asked me the other day what my favorite things about Jay were. Hmmm, how do you answer something like that? Well, Ive been thinking about what my most favorite thing about Jay is. Mom if your reading this..........continue on, this will not be a smutty post.

My most favorite thing about Jay is that he just understands me. He gets me. I know it sounds so cliche but its true. Ever since the first day I met Jay I was in love with him. We have this cosmic understanding between us. I dont have to say anything, he just knows. Its like he looks at my heart instead of all my neurotic ways. Thats what my MOST favorite thing about Jay is.

The other things I love are as follows:

-I love his crows feet. (There is nothing more beautiful than laugh lines)
-I love his laugh
-I love that hes way stronger than me. sometimes he makes me feel dainty :)
-I love his heart
-I love his desire to be the best dad he can
-I love all his movie lines....even though I dont know where half of them come from
-I Love that he always wants to please me
-I love his man thighs....hahahahahaha lol
-I love that hes my best friend
-I love that he makes me a whole person
-I love that he picks me up when Im down and recognizes my weaknesses
-I love that my weaknesses are his strengths
-I love everything about him.

I could go on and on and on. That little list is just a few little things that make me love him.

a smidgeon of an update

I dont know if smidgeon is spelled right but you know what Im sayin', right?

Well, we're almost completely out of our house. And we're totally into moms house. ugh. It really hasnt been too bad. Theres been only one issue and I was pretty sure its going to be one of few issues we have there. I was really concerned about a few key things. First off, Im still a little concerned about my kids minding me. They already seem to be thinking grandma is the ultimate boss and what I say doesnt matter anymore. Ive been working pretty hard on staying the "mom" of my kids and not letting anyone else do it. I have a sinking feeling that Im the only one struggling with that. Its hard to say knock it off to your family when its still a little weird being there.
Then I was worried about getting along with my sister. I love my sister. We're finally friends and I didnt want to mess that up. We've had a little bit of a spat already and I was really upset about it. Because, in my old age, Ive become quite confrontational(thanks to the job) and I wasnt about to back down at any point that particular day. Instead, I realized I needed to cool off and be by myself... or there probly would have been some words said I would've regretted. So, I spent the day sitting at home eating Wendys delicious burgers and crying. Because Im massively pregnant and emotional.
I was initially a little worried about mine and Jays relationship. We have an extremely strong marriage and a good foundation. Ive already learned even after a few weeks of living at moms again that as long as Jay and I are together we're ok.
So, its been pretty good actually. Jay and I want to use this time to get everything payed off and focus on school. After having a catastrophic amount of medical bills to pay we're grateful for the opportunity to move forward with our lives and get kel taken care of. Even though it has meant making alot of hard decisions and leaving the first house we bought together.
We're excited to move forward from now on.

finally!....a little love

I just saw the sweetest thing in the whole world. Im at work, of course, buuuuuuut one of my patients had soiled the bed. Which would normally be a little upsetting because changing entire beds with patients in them is alot of work. Anywho, I walked into the room ready to change the bed and the dad of this adorable special needs boy refused my help. Just totally refused. He then explained that his son is uncomfortable with women taking care of him and how hes the father and any "good dad in his right mind" would offer to do this for his son.

OMG! my heart just swelled because Ive had the thoughts that I would have to do that for my daughter for the rest of her life. And to see a dad still taking care of his 22 year old son that needs an incredible amount of care is just amazing.

I agree with this dad of my patient. I would also try to maintain as much dignity as I could for my loved one in that kind of a circumstance. That kind of love and compassion isnt seen alot around here.

Welcome! to your left we have a nice view of the trailer park!

Let me just state for the record that Im grateful to have a job in this economy and feel bad for the people that dont. There, its stated.

Now, onto the rant! Instead of complaining about the facility and how we dont have any supplies Im going to complain about people. Im really trying to hold back typing some very specific explatives about certain people. I really am!

So, its been a hard night here at the "trailer park", the term I affectionately refer my place of employment to. We have a whole crap load of really unstable patients in the ICU, where they freaking belong, I might add! There are 4 patients on vents. 1 of them is trying to climb out of bed whilst vented. Can we say SEDATION PLEASE! One of the others is vented and trached and trying to move around. Hello, good way to strangle yourself! And the psycho pants lady decided she would have a giant seizure while the vents were climbing the walls. Sounds like fun huh? Oh, did I mention durring all of that someone was trying to bleed out on top of it all. Suck a duck! Im glad I dont work in the ICU here.
My good friend just went down to work the ICU full time. I miss her. sigh. I hope theyre not eating her alive. You know what they say, nurses tend to eat their young.

Up here, where the supposedly stable patients are, is a different story most of the time. Tonight we have 2 patients that have pulled out multiple IVs. Like 4 each. That in and of itself is a major bummer!......cuuuuuuuz the one dude has no veins and has dementia. So, in his head its probly a snake or something eating his arm. For that, I dont blame him for pulling it out and chewing on it. Probly sucking the venom out, right? It all makes sense now. Geez, I must be losing it. Im starting to find it really easy to think like my patients. Wait, maybe I have dementia?

One of the other "problems" is a guy who, quite frankly, concerns me. I am genuinely concerned for him. He drives semis for a living and landed in SLC from somewhere down south. All of a sudden he is NOT oriented. Or, in other words, doesnt know who, where, what time, where in time he is. Hes walking around the room stretching his IV.....llllllloooonger than it should be stretched. Peeing in the sink, grabbing at me and all sorts of funky stuff. This is a problem because he is going to hurt himself(aaaaaaand all that paperwork sucks if he falls and hurts himself) or someone else. Not to mention this guy drives a truck for a living. Thank heavens he wasnt driving when all this weirdness happened.

So my point was......even though the ICU sucks right now. We're having some issues too that are very time consuming. People dont need to be coming up here and throwing down attitude. Seriously! Youre busy, we're busy. Dont act like a total sunnuvva you know what. Way to keep morale up here at the trailer park.

In my opinion, this nursing job is the hardest job out there right now. We're expected to make people feel like theyre staying at the 4 seasons..... or at least the Marriott while they get better from whatever is "bugging" them. Someone tell me how Im supposed to do that when we dont have the necessary staff to cover all these patients so they have to wait when they call for something. Now, you know, here at the "trailer park" we dont even have enough equipment that works. Yup, sounding like luxury to me. Theres always patches in the walls where beds have smacked up against the wall and left a hole. Lights are burning out all the time. Faucets dripping, showers that have no hot water, etc, etc, etc. I could go on and on about how nothing works and how gosh awful ugly this place is but the true reason why patients arent happy here is because of money. Uhhh hum, money. The floors budget has been cut. Like everything else in this stupid economy. We got rid of all, I mean all, the luxury supplies. No proper bed bath wipes, no bed pads we just have bath blankets rigged up as draw sheets and thin blue chux that dont absorb ANYTHING!! And yet, we continue to be the highest grossing hospital in the region. So someone please explain to me why we cant have enough nurses to cover all these patients?

This place sucks 75% of the time because(I cant believe it took me this long to figure it out) we dont have more floors to house all the different patient types. My eyes were opened when I got called to work a shift over in "the promised land", our sister hospital, aka the mother ship, where they had true med/surg patients. Whaaaaaat?! yeah, I know, insane right? A med/surg floor with med/surg patients on it. Whoa, it kinda blows my mind too. 'Twas soooo heavenly! I didnt have crazies, and people peeing in sinks and others that kept trying to die. It.was.awesome!
Sooooo, over at the mother ship they have a floor for tele people(people needing heart monitors), a med/surg floor, and a crazy people floor. I could go on and on. Plus, its a different demographic of people......ummm how do i put this nicely? They dont have people that have 3 teeth and swing from engine blocks they strung up in trees to entertain themselves. They have, dare I say, "normal people".

Well, there we go. A small rant about work......again. :)