pitty party

i feel jealous today. Im feeling jealous of moms that get to stay home with their babies. Sometimes i wonder why i have this inate drive to be a professional. i want to work but i want to stay home with the kids too. thats why i ended up in the job im in. to work full time i only have to work 3 days a week. jay would let me do whatever i wanted to. but he knows me too well. he knows i would get stir crazy and end up yelling at the kids too much. thus, why work is a good thing for me. i get to go to work and be social and get out of the house, and it helps me appreciate the kids and the hubs more.

But, my domestic side is calling. i think i have these feelings because we decided to almost "abandon" everything so we could get back on track with the bills after having a brain tumor twice. did you know it cost us over $250,000 after everything was said and done? thats crazy! Anyhow, we gave up our house(my world, even though it was crappy) our nice car that had a 3rd row so i didnt have to drive a mini van, almost everything was given up. and for a good reason i would like to state.
Im just feeling like i dont have anything to my name and im feeling jealous of people that have pretty houses and the things i used to.

the thing im most sad about is my kids. theyre tough little kiddos. theyve been through alot. im sad about losing my mommy abilities. i dont get to cook dinner anymore. i dont get to do theyre homework with them anymore. i feel like i barely see them. i hate not getting to do keltys hair in the mornings before school. it makes me feel bad for not getting to do those things with them now. living in moms basement is seriously hindering the way i parent. i appreciate everything my family has done for us lately. but, it sucks that i dont have much parental authority now. once again, i would like to state for the record, i appreciate and am grateful for my parents letting us come in to their house so we can move forward when weve had so many set backs. let me just say, its not easy.....for anyone in that house.

i should stop whining but i cant really tell anyone else these things, except jay, because the other person i want to talk to just gets mad or refuses to talk about it. things arent going the way i wanted them to. i had a vision of the way i wanted to do things with my kids and i cant even maintain our old routine. sometimes i feel like my personal, and family life are under a microscope. its very hard for me to have to share the "daily goings on" with other people. i hate being parented while im trying to parent. its almost like i cant even have my own opinions or way of doing things if they differ from the way i was raised. its really hard. i wish we were in a situation to move out sooner than later. but we have to get a nestegg built back up. and some other things back on track. im just impatient.

geez, what a pitty party day. it is a pitty party right now for me.  even though im super excited jay got a new job im still frustrated over the situation. i dont think im ever going to be a stay at home mom. i dont want to be. i  want to work part time or once a week. but when we get to that point gage will be a teenager, kel will be close and edynn will be in school so i might as well be something i want to be because when it comes time that we can have a little wiggle room my kids wont even be home. sucks to be me right now.
i guess i just have alot of mommy guilt. but i want to be on my own again. i feel like a teenager living in the basement just with kids and a husband. to tell you the truth its pretty stifling to be in the basement and with only one car i cant even go somewhere if i wanted to. ugh, so frustrated!

i hope i remember how this feels when i get my own house again. by my projections we wont be able to have a downpayment big enough to buy a house for at least 3 years. and i dont think we'll last that long in the basement. im not very keen on renting again but if it saves everyones relationship i'll gladly do it.

im feeling bad and jealous. so frustrated!