pitty party

i feel jealous today. Im feeling jealous of moms that get to stay home with their babies. Sometimes i wonder why i have this inate drive to be a professional. i want to work but i want to stay home with the kids too. thats why i ended up in the job im in. to work full time i only have to work 3 days a week. jay would let me do whatever i wanted to. but he knows me too well. he knows i would get stir crazy and end up yelling at the kids too much. thus, why work is a good thing for me. i get to go to work and be social and get out of the house, and it helps me appreciate the kids and the hubs more.

But, my domestic side is calling. i think i have these feelings because we decided to almost "abandon" everything so we could get back on track with the bills after having a brain tumor twice. did you know it cost us over $250,000 after everything was said and done? thats crazy! Anyhow, we gave up our house(my world, even though it was crappy) our nice car that had a 3rd row so i didnt have to drive a mini van, almost everything was given up. and for a good reason i would like to state.
Im just feeling like i dont have anything to my name and im feeling jealous of people that have pretty houses and the things i used to.

the thing im most sad about is my kids. theyre tough little kiddos. theyve been through alot. im sad about losing my mommy abilities. i dont get to cook dinner anymore. i dont get to do theyre homework with them anymore. i feel like i barely see them. i hate not getting to do keltys hair in the mornings before school. it makes me feel bad for not getting to do those things with them now. living in moms basement is seriously hindering the way i parent. i appreciate everything my family has done for us lately. but, it sucks that i dont have much parental authority now. once again, i would like to state for the record, i appreciate and am grateful for my parents letting us come in to their house so we can move forward when weve had so many set backs. let me just say, its not easy.....for anyone in that house.

i should stop whining but i cant really tell anyone else these things, except jay, because the other person i want to talk to just gets mad or refuses to talk about it. things arent going the way i wanted them to. i had a vision of the way i wanted to do things with my kids and i cant even maintain our old routine. sometimes i feel like my personal, and family life are under a microscope. its very hard for me to have to share the "daily goings on" with other people. i hate being parented while im trying to parent. its almost like i cant even have my own opinions or way of doing things if they differ from the way i was raised. its really hard. i wish we were in a situation to move out sooner than later. but we have to get a nestegg built back up. and some other things back on track. im just impatient.

geez, what a pitty party day. it is a pitty party right now for me.  even though im super excited jay got a new job im still frustrated over the situation. i dont think im ever going to be a stay at home mom. i dont want to be. i  want to work part time or once a week. but when we get to that point gage will be a teenager, kel will be close and edynn will be in school so i might as well be something i want to be because when it comes time that we can have a little wiggle room my kids wont even be home. sucks to be me right now.
i guess i just have alot of mommy guilt. but i want to be on my own again. i feel like a teenager living in the basement just with kids and a husband. to tell you the truth its pretty stifling to be in the basement and with only one car i cant even go somewhere if i wanted to. ugh, so frustrated!

i hope i remember how this feels when i get my own house again. by my projections we wont be able to have a downpayment big enough to buy a house for at least 3 years. and i dont think we'll last that long in the basement. im not very keen on renting again but if it saves everyones relationship i'll gladly do it.

im feeling bad and jealous. so frustrated!

playing the waiting game

hello everyone,

well, im playing the waiting game with jay this week. he had a couple interviews for a pretty sweet job and now we're just waiting to hear back. I hate playing the waiting game for things like this. when your waiting in line for something fun, like going to a movie, its a good thing. But not for a job offer. its giving me some anxiety because i cant stand to see jay disappointed. hes been working so hard to get a better job but nothing has panned out yet. he took a job at walmart to get us through and he started school so he can get something better.
im so proud of him for being such a hard worker. i feel like hes had a couple disadvantages in his life. just a lack of information for the most part, like me, regarding the whole college thing. i know if he had a little more info on somethings he could have made something happen sooner.

.....................................................................................................................................................................

wow, im thanking the heavens right now! as i was typing the above piece of blog jay sent me a text. He got the job at Fairchild Semiconductor! It feels like the weight of the world has been lifted. like 50 bricks off my back :)
Finally! something is happening for him! What a blessing!................and theyre willing to pay 100% of an engineering degree!

Turkey day thanks!

Well, we went to Chuck-A-Rama on Thanksgiving! Can you believe that? Its ridiculous to not cook the bird and make all the side dishes and what not.
Ummmm nope, it was NOT ridiculous. It was kinda fun waiting in line for an hour and a half. it really was, im not being sarcastic. it was lovely not having people running around the kitchen trying to get everything done.

So here is my turkey day thankful list:

1-my beautiful children.....nuff said
2-my awesome hubby....love you jay!
3-food.....food is soooo yummy.......ive almost beat my hamburger problem btw
4-my wonderful immediate family, my dad especially.
5-wonderful things like poems and music and artsy-fartsy stuff

Sorry so short again. we'll get into some juicy stuff next time!

top 5 fave songs and thought on 29

top 5 favorite songs......ev.er.


starting with the bottom..............

#5-Shes a brick by Ben Folds 5.....mmmm love this song, it got me through some of the dark cloud days.

#4-I wanna grow old with you by Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer.........its so awesome and it was on my wedding cd to jay on the day we got married.

#3-Shenendoah. its just beautiful! and a real piece of art....in my opinion.

#2-Goin Where The Wind Blows by Mr. Big. i love his raspy voice and it reminds me of a great time in my life.

#1- Stairway To Heaven by Led Zeppellin. I lovvvvvve this song and it will always be #1! some of the others in my top 5 may vary and change but this one is the best! I love it musically and poetically. My very favorite part is the first key change at the ending of the intro! mmmmm, its great! give it a listen.


And a notable mention goes to Dave Matthews band. I love him and his songs. Some DMB songs interchange themselves in and out of the top 5. Im a big lover of music but Im starting to feel like all the new music is just noise. must be my old age.

Can we talk about being 29 years old? Well, we are now. Being 29 is a little weird. I never thought i would ever get this old until it happened. I feel a little loser-ish 'cause a 29 year old should have a good career. I dont. My "lackee" job is just driving me nuts and something must be done about this! although, i feel like the rest of my life is on par. I have 3 beautiful children and a wonderful husband. Our "situation"(living in the basement) is slowly getting better. Its taking alot longer than i thought though. Sucks to be a basement dweller again. frowny face!
So, in my old age i have learned a few things. New music now sounds like cats drowning. Things like family and good "real" friends matter and the "leeches, who are side vamps" must go. Its not worth it to keep dumb people that dont care about you around yourself. And taco roll ups are tasty!
The ripe old age of 29 is pretty awesome! im way more confident in myself and much more positive. even though it may not look like ive made a huge amount of progress monetarily, i have all that matters to me. I count my blessing everyday and hope to be WAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY old! i'll bet when im 99 years old i'll say the same thing: "i never thought i would be this old".

29 is awesome!

crusty pavement

amazing day
the pavement crusted in white
slipping, sliding
running down the rail

i wish for new things
to lay exposed to my words
let them pierce someone
slide into their brain

mmm, sprinkling lights
twinkling from the skies
permeating
icing over my world.


Sometimes the earth is so beautiful. I love watching it snow out the window. I wish I could just sit and write all day and have my words change people. I wish people would be as moved by me just by simply reading a quote. I have words jamming up my brain all the time and its not a bad thing, not really.....most of the time. I am very inspired by poetry and hand written sentiments. Maybe I have some sort of disorder that makes me over empathise with people. Usually when i read a blog or something thats expressing hurt or something along those lines i immediately want to reach out to that person and make them feel better. I intellectually know thats a little weird and unrealistic. But my heart is hurting for my friend right now after reading her honest and authentic words. I hope she feels better soon.

request for a blog update :)

goooood morning fellow blogging buddies!

well, i have recieved a request via fb for a blog update.... First off, sorry for being so random in this last years updates, it was a roler coaster year.

Anywho, todays topic.... "The Conundrum". I have many conundrums in my life. Shall we list them? We shall. 1st conundrum, its a doozie, my cute little family lives in my moms basement. This is terrrrrrrrrible because I have been a home owner, as in actual mortgage on a property. Allbeit, a crap shack, but it was mine and i could live in it as i chose. Living in moms basement has its advantages and drawbacks. I will ellaborate on this particular conundrum in following posts.....they deserve a post all to themself.

2nd conundrum, what to do with my "poopy" job?....pun intended. As many of you know, i am not yet a nurse......or maybe never will be. Heres the problem, i have been quoted well over $20 an hour to start once i get my RN. Buuuuuuuuut, i believe you should be a nurse only if you want to and cant do anything else. its an emotional job and patients deserve people that want to be there with them. now i know thats not entirely realistic. I love to be with my patients but they are starting to annoy me rather than joy me(ha! i crack myself up!) I DO love my job but having to work every single christmas because my boss is nuts is really wearing on me. Yes, i could find a new place to work but do i really want to do this forever? Let me explain, nowhere in nursing school do they tell you that you will be judged by your patients everyday and then given a survey about you. Here at lovely Pioneer Valley, we have a "customer service lady" that pops into our patients rooms everyday and asks them "do you like your nurse?" What if theyre mad at you because the very sight of you is making them hurt? or the lotion you just put on(unscented btw) is making them nauseous, or the doctor isnt giving them the pain medication they want and the nurse is always the scapegoat. Not to mention exposing yourself to highly infections organisms on a daily basis, and the never ending 14 hour shift, working on holidays and weekends, and being up to your elbows in poop(that is very true). Yup, lots of crap that comes from this job........but also alot of good.
So, Aerial, what is the conundrum you say? Do i take a job thats going to quite literally take me away from my family for the next 18 months for school to get payed(to get out of moms basement)? or do i go to school to be a teacher?

Questions and conundrums. what to do, what to do? When i figure this out i'll let you all know. just remember, despite all the poop and political crap I love my job. Dang it, i think i might go to nursing school. ugh!