pessimistically optimistic

So, I like to believe that Im an eternal optimist. I usually DO find the bright side about things. I like to look for a good quality in people that are buggin' so I can focus on something good about them instead of whats rubbing me the wrong way.

But...........

My little baby, MacKelty, had an MRI last Wednesday..........the results werent what I was expecting. Something is back, something has shown up in the post operative site. The oncologist told me that she thought it could be scar tissue or tumor growing back. The curious thing about it is that whatever is growing is right on the incisional line in the cerebellum. This sucks!

So, the docs want serial scans done to see if the "thing" is growing. I guess if it grows or changes the "thing" will have to come out. I DO NOT want chemo done. Surgery is the best option for Kelty anyway, the docs said so, since she has done so well from the last brain operation.

I am so depressed about this. Little kids arent supposed to have to deal with life threatening diseases. Im so hurt about my daughter possibly having another brain tumor. I know her prognosis is good but I cant help but be crazy worried about it. I feel like no one will even listen to me, other than Jay. How can anyone listen to me? Im a big bawling mess of neurosis. I cant help but think about how serious this surgery is. Maybe half my problem is knowing too much. I understand why and how hard it was to get Kelty off the vent(ventilator=life support) after her first surgery. I undertsand that the area that is housing this "thing" controls balance, breathing(ummmm kinda need to breath to live!), ocular movement(the doc said this), and all sorts of life sustaining functions. I trust our neurosurgeon, but things go wrong, with my luck I cant afford to be stupidly optimistic. I have to be a realist about this. I feel the need to prepare myself for every scenario. I hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I guess you could say that Im pessimistically optimistic.

I hope things go well. Thats all I can say about it, I just hope things go in Kel's favor. Its hard feeling like your kid is living on borrowed time. Ive always had the distinct impression that Kelty wont be with us(on earth) forever. The only thing that brings me peace is my religion. I love the fact that I will be able to have her again in heaven if anything happens to her. I cant help but think, if she dies as a child, that her purpose had been fulfilled to the best of her ability. What a sweet work she has to do. I dont know what it is yet but its just a wonderful feeling to know that. It fills my heart with unbridled sadness to think of losing her but it brings me joy to kow that if she dies in her childhood that her purpose had been fulfilled in that pure joy that children bring to us.

The other night we told Gage that something is growing in his sisters head again and that he needed to say special prayers for her. He listened so intently and his little eyes began to tear. We had a good heart to heart before he went to bed. And then my heart broke in two.
Gage always says his prayers out loud. Jay and I heard him pleading with this Heavenly Father to "please help my sister, please please please". He was crying and begging Heavenly Father to help his little sister. How can a mother live through this? Jay and I just began to cry. My glued up heart slowly broke again. Those tender moments listening to a 7 year old little boy pleading to his Heavenly Father is sometimes just too much to take. A 7 year old shouldnt have to feel this much heart ache.

The absolute worst thought of this whole thing is if MacKelty dies I will keep living. How cruel it is to know that life keeps moving on, no matter how much I dont want it to. It keeps on trudging and I will keep living....even if she passes away. This is the hardest thing for me to take. This is the hardest thing for me to live through. I do ask why couldnt it be me?
Sometimes Ive had thoughts of her funeral. I dont like to think about it, but on occasion, little things slip past my brains filter-o-good thoughts. All this unknown is unbearable. And all I can do is enjoy every little noise and wiggle the Lord will let me have. Who knows, we may be the lucky recipients of another miracle.

I have to be honest, every finger I have is crossed, ive been praying and pleading myself, but I still remain a realist. Pessimistically optimistic, I guess you could say. We'll see whats on the next MRI, I really do hope someone can tell me its just scar tissue.