pessimistically optimistic

So, I like to believe that Im an eternal optimist. I usually DO find the bright side about things. I like to look for a good quality in people that are buggin' so I can focus on something good about them instead of whats rubbing me the wrong way.

But...........

My little baby, MacKelty, had an MRI last Wednesday..........the results werent what I was expecting. Something is back, something has shown up in the post operative site. The oncologist told me that she thought it could be scar tissue or tumor growing back. The curious thing about it is that whatever is growing is right on the incisional line in the cerebellum. This sucks!

So, the docs want serial scans done to see if the "thing" is growing. I guess if it grows or changes the "thing" will have to come out. I DO NOT want chemo done. Surgery is the best option for Kelty anyway, the docs said so, since she has done so well from the last brain operation.

I am so depressed about this. Little kids arent supposed to have to deal with life threatening diseases. Im so hurt about my daughter possibly having another brain tumor. I know her prognosis is good but I cant help but be crazy worried about it. I feel like no one will even listen to me, other than Jay. How can anyone listen to me? Im a big bawling mess of neurosis. I cant help but think about how serious this surgery is. Maybe half my problem is knowing too much. I understand why and how hard it was to get Kelty off the vent(ventilator=life support) after her first surgery. I undertsand that the area that is housing this "thing" controls balance, breathing(ummmm kinda need to breath to live!), ocular movement(the doc said this), and all sorts of life sustaining functions. I trust our neurosurgeon, but things go wrong, with my luck I cant afford to be stupidly optimistic. I have to be a realist about this. I feel the need to prepare myself for every scenario. I hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I guess you could say that Im pessimistically optimistic.

I hope things go well. Thats all I can say about it, I just hope things go in Kel's favor. Its hard feeling like your kid is living on borrowed time. Ive always had the distinct impression that Kelty wont be with us(on earth) forever. The only thing that brings me peace is my religion. I love the fact that I will be able to have her again in heaven if anything happens to her. I cant help but think, if she dies as a child, that her purpose had been fulfilled to the best of her ability. What a sweet work she has to do. I dont know what it is yet but its just a wonderful feeling to know that. It fills my heart with unbridled sadness to think of losing her but it brings me joy to kow that if she dies in her childhood that her purpose had been fulfilled in that pure joy that children bring to us.

The other night we told Gage that something is growing in his sisters head again and that he needed to say special prayers for her. He listened so intently and his little eyes began to tear. We had a good heart to heart before he went to bed. And then my heart broke in two.
Gage always says his prayers out loud. Jay and I heard him pleading with this Heavenly Father to "please help my sister, please please please". He was crying and begging Heavenly Father to help his little sister. How can a mother live through this? Jay and I just began to cry. My glued up heart slowly broke again. Those tender moments listening to a 7 year old little boy pleading to his Heavenly Father is sometimes just too much to take. A 7 year old shouldnt have to feel this much heart ache.

The absolute worst thought of this whole thing is if MacKelty dies I will keep living. How cruel it is to know that life keeps moving on, no matter how much I dont want it to. It keeps on trudging and I will keep living....even if she passes away. This is the hardest thing for me to take. This is the hardest thing for me to live through. I do ask why couldnt it be me?
Sometimes Ive had thoughts of her funeral. I dont like to think about it, but on occasion, little things slip past my brains filter-o-good thoughts. All this unknown is unbearable. And all I can do is enjoy every little noise and wiggle the Lord will let me have. Who knows, we may be the lucky recipients of another miracle.

I have to be honest, every finger I have is crossed, ive been praying and pleading myself, but I still remain a realist. Pessimistically optimistic, I guess you could say. We'll see whats on the next MRI, I really do hope someone can tell me its just scar tissue.

Life isnt about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the rain!

This week has been a funny week. As I spend most of my time pondering about who I am and where Im going to end up, I cant help but think...... Where are we going?....Where am I going?.....What do I want for my own personal growth?

Ive reconsidered my career like 50 times, and I never come up with the same answer. I keep praying and praying, I havent been to the temple about it yet but I think I may have come up with the something. Maybe I got an answer tonight.

Ive been so concerned with trying to make a living and attain all these goals I have for myself that Ive majorly lost my path. I went from being a single mom with a baby that had no choice to make a certain amount of money to live....to marrying Jay, and all of a sudden, having choices. Choices, choices, choices. What do I really want to be? Which way to go?

Its always been stuck in my head that Ive needed to have a high powered career. Maybe so I could feel good about myself, maybe to know that I really have accomplished something. I dont know, but its never really what I WANTED. Inside me, I mean the real core of me, has always just wanted to be a mom. I remember not wanting to tell people that because Ive been told my whole life that I could accomplish anything and that I should get a high powered career because Im smart, and I'll make it in the working world alot easier than others. Some of that may be true, but my domestic side was never allowed to be nurtured or developed. By me or by others.....because I would never allow it to be the forefront of my self picture.

I have the distinct impression to get back to basics. To shy away from the "modern" woman. I am ashamed to say that my life hasnt been as based in the gospel as I would like it to be. Im turning it around and getting back up on the rock(as in the wise man built his house upon the rock). I feel very strongly about the traditional family and traditional values. I know where and what station in life is going to make me happy but sometimes I have a hard time admitting it. Being a stay at home mom is my dream. Believe me, coming from such a person as myself, I really do have modest dreams. All I want is to have enough money to pay the bills, have a decent house in a wonderful place, or somewhere that feels like I could really put down my roots. I just want to find my "forever place" and be a mommy.

I have a wonderful husband that knows and understands the real Aerial. He nurtures me and encourages me to find my place in the world. We work together to make our little world turn round. Its really hectic right now with both of our work schedules being crazy and overlapping alot, but we manage.

My mom tells me that very few people get to do what they WANT to do for a career and I should just accept that. That may be true but I can attribute my stubbornness to her, and I WILL get to have the life I want....and so will Jay. It may take us 10 years to get even remotely close but, gosh dangit, we'll get there! I have surrendered to the fact that I will probly have to work the rest of my life. No biggie, I do need to find something that is enjoyable though. And when it comes to Jay, he does NOT have to work 2 jobs for the rest of his life. We're trying to work smarter not harder....who knows if we'll ever get there but we'll die trying! I have nothing against my mom. But it is hard learning to think for myself. I value her opinion so heavily that I dont do alot of things if she thinks its a bad idea or doesnt sound as enthused as I think she should. My mom is there to protect me and offer advice. Its been hard learning to be my own person. Its hard to mention that I dont want to live in Salt Lake because she doesnt want us to go far. I understand that. Its hard for me to think about leaving them. But if moving to Idaho to give our children the life that Jay and I think they should have, might have to happen. It might have to happen just to give ourselves(me and jay) the life that we deserve too.

Wow, that was hard just typing. My dreams and passion lie in rural America. I want my kids to walk to school and not get abducted in 1 block. I want them to know where their food comes from and have wholesome values. I want my kids to wake up in the morning and smell the fresh mountain air. I want them to see sky and experience a different way of life. I want them to have a mom that doesnt have to run out the door every Friday night to go to work so they can get dumped off at grandmas 'cause, you guessed it, both parents are working the graveyard shift tonight. I want my kids to swim in a ditch and know what back breaking labor feels like. I want them to have parents that can have leisure time with them, time to spend with them.

It may be too much to ask for. We may never make it and be stuck here. But its all about dancing in the rain. And it feels good to admit who I am. Even if it just to myself.

oops!

ok, so i believe i mentioned that i was not a good fish keeper. Nope not a good fish keeper. Gages Betta, Moonstar, lasted almost a week. 6 days infact. Last friday i promised gage that i would bring his fish in for show and tell.....i even mentioned it to his teacher that morning. Well, I went home to clean the tank to make sure it was lookin good for the 1st graders and guess what?! Belly up he was! The fish was fine like 20 minutes before that!

so i freaked out, called jay to see if he had any good ideas. he told me to go buy a new fish that looked the same. uhhh no. so i flushed poor moonstar down the toilet and didnt show up for show and tell. all the while my heart was breaking for my son. i didnt show up just because im a calloused person. nuh uhh, when it comes to my kids im not very hardchore, not when it comes to matters of the heart. in between not showing up and maybe killing the fish, i went all over to retrieve a new pet for gage that i could bring to show and tell. i couldnt find anything. i even went to the humane society to get a puppy! a freaking puppy to bring to class! but nothing fit.

so the day went by...me fretting and freaking out. I went to pick up gage....bracing for impact when he jumped into the car. he asked me why i wasnt there for show and tell and then i had to break the news. he put his littl ehead down and sobbed softly for a little bit. we then headed to petsmart to get a new pet. we got a neon tetra and an african dwarf frog.....

we'll see how they last

here fishy fishy!

Good news minute!!!
We payed off 2 entire bills! YAY!!!


Now onto the real subject of this here blog. We got 2 fish! 2 Bettas or Siamese fighting fish! Gage named his Moonstar, because his face is "dark like the night and his tail is bright like a star". Oh Gage-o! He is soooo funny! He said that exact quote!....maybe he's been watching too much Avatar or something? He cracks me up. His fish is beautiful. Hes bright blue with a red stripe in his fins.

We got a little tank to house him and all the fixins or tools to take care of him. Funny Gage and Kelty checked on him like 50 times last night to make sure the fish was ok and swimming around like normal.

Kel named her fish(a female betta...not as big and pretty but she'll do) Aurora Borealis. Because her fish is pink, red, white, and a little blue...like the northern lights.
Now the dude at the petsmart said we could house a female and male betta in the same tank. Now, I thought differently 'cause I had some fighting fish when I was young and they would flip when the other fish bowl got too close, let alone be in the same tank. Sooooo, we put them in the same tank when we got Aurora home.....mmmmaybe not such a good idea. Moonstar puffed out his fins and began chasing the poor female all over the tank. She looked scared to death!...probly was fearing for her life...stupid me. But the dude said it was ok. So, Moonstar was chasing her all over and cornering her in the bottom of the tank. They seemed to calm down after a while, the fish that is. The kids never calm down. :)

So I came to work and looked up information on bettas. Uhhhhh aaaack! They should NOT be in the same tank! Stupid petsmart dude I knew you looked shifty! All the websites say its not a good idea to house them together because the male will kill the female after hes done torturing her or harass her around the tank to the point of exhaustion for the female so she cant come up for air and she drowns. Thats right, we just bought butthole fish!

So I was fretting about kels fish getting harassed and drowning or eaten by Moonstar. I made jay check on the fish like 20 times and text me to let me know how theyre doing. I know, Im a freak. I kept reading about fighting fish and I got so anxious about my little girls fish getting murdered in the night that I called Jay and made him get Aurora out of the tank and into a new one. Good thing I had a glass container that was perfect for her! YAY ME! Saved a fishys life today! Im such a good samaritan!

So I guess we'll see how long the fish live......Im not too good about keeping fish. But I'll try my darndest!