My mom asked me the other day what my favorite things about Jay were. Hmmm, how do you answer something like that? Well, Ive been thinking about what my most favorite thing about Jay is. Mom if your reading this..........continue on, this will not be a smutty post.
My most favorite thing about Jay is that he just understands me. He gets me. I know it sounds so cliche but its true. Ever since the first day I met Jay I was in love with him. We have this cosmic understanding between us. I dont have to say anything, he just knows. Its like he looks at my heart instead of all my neurotic ways. Thats what my MOST favorite thing about Jay is.
The other things I love are as follows:
-I love his crows feet. (There is nothing more beautiful than laugh lines)
-I love his laugh
-I love that hes way stronger than me. sometimes he makes me feel dainty :)
-I love his heart
-I love his desire to be the best dad he can
-I love all his movie lines....even though I dont know where half of them come from
-I Love that he always wants to please me
-I love his man thighs....hahahahahaha lol
-I love that hes my best friend
-I love that he makes me a whole person
-I love that he picks me up when Im down and recognizes my weaknesses
-I love that my weaknesses are his strengths
-I love everything about him.
I could go on and on and on. That little list is just a few little things that make me love him.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
a smidgeon of an update
I dont know if smidgeon is spelled right but you know what Im sayin', right?
Well, we're almost completely out of our house. And we're totally into moms house. ugh. It really hasnt been too bad. Theres been only one issue and I was pretty sure its going to be one of few issues we have there. I was really concerned about a few key things. First off, Im still a little concerned about my kids minding me. They already seem to be thinking grandma is the ultimate boss and what I say doesnt matter anymore. Ive been working pretty hard on staying the "mom" of my kids and not letting anyone else do it. I have a sinking feeling that Im the only one struggling with that. Its hard to say knock it off to your family when its still a little weird being there.
Then I was worried about getting along with my sister. I love my sister. We're finally friends and I didnt want to mess that up. We've had a little bit of a spat already and I was really upset about it. Because, in my old age, Ive become quite confrontational(thanks to the job) and I wasnt about to back down at any point that particular day. Instead, I realized I needed to cool off and be by myself... or there probly would have been some words said I would've regretted. So, I spent the day sitting at home eating Wendys delicious burgers and crying. Because Im massively pregnant and emotional.
I was initially a little worried about mine and Jays relationship. We have an extremely strong marriage and a good foundation. Ive already learned even after a few weeks of living at moms again that as long as Jay and I are together we're ok.
So, its been pretty good actually. Jay and I want to use this time to get everything payed off and focus on school. After having a catastrophic amount of medical bills to pay we're grateful for the opportunity to move forward with our lives and get kel taken care of. Even though it has meant making alot of hard decisions and leaving the first house we bought together.
We're excited to move forward from now on.
Well, we're almost completely out of our house. And we're totally into moms house. ugh. It really hasnt been too bad. Theres been only one issue and I was pretty sure its going to be one of few issues we have there. I was really concerned about a few key things. First off, Im still a little concerned about my kids minding me. They already seem to be thinking grandma is the ultimate boss and what I say doesnt matter anymore. Ive been working pretty hard on staying the "mom" of my kids and not letting anyone else do it. I have a sinking feeling that Im the only one struggling with that. Its hard to say knock it off to your family when its still a little weird being there.
Then I was worried about getting along with my sister. I love my sister. We're finally friends and I didnt want to mess that up. We've had a little bit of a spat already and I was really upset about it. Because, in my old age, Ive become quite confrontational(thanks to the job) and I wasnt about to back down at any point that particular day. Instead, I realized I needed to cool off and be by myself... or there probly would have been some words said I would've regretted. So, I spent the day sitting at home eating Wendys delicious burgers and crying. Because Im massively pregnant and emotional.
I was initially a little worried about mine and Jays relationship. We have an extremely strong marriage and a good foundation. Ive already learned even after a few weeks of living at moms again that as long as Jay and I are together we're ok.
So, its been pretty good actually. Jay and I want to use this time to get everything payed off and focus on school. After having a catastrophic amount of medical bills to pay we're grateful for the opportunity to move forward with our lives and get kel taken care of. Even though it has meant making alot of hard decisions and leaving the first house we bought together.
We're excited to move forward from now on.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
finally!....a little love
I just saw the sweetest thing in the whole world. Im at work, of course, buuuuuuut one of my patients had soiled the bed. Which would normally be a little upsetting because changing entire beds with patients in them is alot of work. Anywho, I walked into the room ready to change the bed and the dad of this adorable special needs boy refused my help. Just totally refused. He then explained that his son is uncomfortable with women taking care of him and how hes the father and any "good dad in his right mind" would offer to do this for his son.
OMG! my heart just swelled because Ive had the thoughts that I would have to do that for my daughter for the rest of her life. And to see a dad still taking care of his 22 year old son that needs an incredible amount of care is just amazing.
I agree with this dad of my patient. I would also try to maintain as much dignity as I could for my loved one in that kind of a circumstance. That kind of love and compassion isnt seen alot around here.
OMG! my heart just swelled because Ive had the thoughts that I would have to do that for my daughter for the rest of her life. And to see a dad still taking care of his 22 year old son that needs an incredible amount of care is just amazing.
I agree with this dad of my patient. I would also try to maintain as much dignity as I could for my loved one in that kind of a circumstance. That kind of love and compassion isnt seen alot around here.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Welcome! to your left we have a nice view of the trailer park!
Let me just state for the record that Im grateful to have a job in this economy and feel bad for the people that dont. There, its stated.
Now, onto the rant! Instead of complaining about the facility and how we dont have any supplies Im going to complain about people. Im really trying to hold back typing some very specific explatives about certain people. I really am!
So, its been a hard night here at the "trailer park", the term I affectionately refer my place of employment to. We have a whole crap load of really unstable patients in the ICU, where they freaking belong, I might add! There are 4 patients on vents. 1 of them is trying to climb out of bed whilst vented. Can we say SEDATION PLEASE! One of the others is vented and trached and trying to move around. Hello, good way to strangle yourself! And the psycho pants lady decided she would have a giant seizure while the vents were climbing the walls. Sounds like fun huh? Oh, did I mention durring all of that someone was trying to bleed out on top of it all. Suck a duck! Im glad I dont work in the ICU here.
My good friend just went down to work the ICU full time. I miss her. sigh. I hope theyre not eating her alive. You know what they say, nurses tend to eat their young.
Up here, where the supposedly stable patients are, is a different story most of the time. Tonight we have 2 patients that have pulled out multiple IVs. Like 4 each. That in and of itself is a major bummer!......cuuuuuuuz the one dude has no veins and has dementia. So, in his head its probly a snake or something eating his arm. For that, I dont blame him for pulling it out and chewing on it. Probly sucking the venom out, right? It all makes sense now. Geez, I must be losing it. Im starting to find it really easy to think like my patients. Wait, maybe I have dementia?
One of the other "problems" is a guy who, quite frankly, concerns me. I am genuinely concerned for him. He drives semis for a living and landed in SLC from somewhere down south. All of a sudden he is NOT oriented. Or, in other words, doesnt know who, where, what time, where in time he is. Hes walking around the room stretching his IV.....llllllloooonger than it should be stretched. Peeing in the sink, grabbing at me and all sorts of funky stuff. This is a problem because he is going to hurt himself(aaaaaaand all that paperwork sucks if he falls and hurts himself) or someone else. Not to mention this guy drives a truck for a living. Thank heavens he wasnt driving when all this weirdness happened.
So my point was......even though the ICU sucks right now. We're having some issues too that are very time consuming. People dont need to be coming up here and throwing down attitude. Seriously! Youre busy, we're busy. Dont act like a total sunnuvva you know what. Way to keep morale up here at the trailer park.
In my opinion, this nursing job is the hardest job out there right now. We're expected to make people feel like theyre staying at the 4 seasons..... or at least the Marriott while they get better from whatever is "bugging" them. Someone tell me how Im supposed to do that when we dont have the necessary staff to cover all these patients so they have to wait when they call for something. Now, you know, here at the "trailer park" we dont even have enough equipment that works. Yup, sounding like luxury to me. Theres always patches in the walls where beds have smacked up against the wall and left a hole. Lights are burning out all the time. Faucets dripping, showers that have no hot water, etc, etc, etc. I could go on and on about how nothing works and how gosh awful ugly this place is but the true reason why patients arent happy here is because of money. Uhhh hum, money. The floors budget has been cut. Like everything else in this stupid economy. We got rid of all, I mean all, the luxury supplies. No proper bed bath wipes, no bed pads we just have bath blankets rigged up as draw sheets and thin blue chux that dont absorb ANYTHING!! And yet, we continue to be the highest grossing hospital in the region. So someone please explain to me why we cant have enough nurses to cover all these patients?
This place sucks 75% of the time because(I cant believe it took me this long to figure it out) we dont have more floors to house all the different patient types. My eyes were opened when I got called to work a shift over in "the promised land", our sister hospital, aka the mother ship, where they had true med/surg patients. Whaaaaaat?! yeah, I know, insane right? A med/surg floor with med/surg patients on it. Whoa, it kinda blows my mind too. 'Twas soooo heavenly! I didnt have crazies, and people peeing in sinks and others that kept trying to die. It.was.awesome!
Sooooo, over at the mother ship they have a floor for tele people(people needing heart monitors), a med/surg floor, and a crazy people floor. I could go on and on. Plus, its a different demographic of people......ummm how do i put this nicely? They dont have people that have 3 teeth and swing from engine blocks they strung up in trees to entertain themselves. They have, dare I say, "normal people".
Well, there we go. A small rant about work......again. :)
Now, onto the rant! Instead of complaining about the facility and how we dont have any supplies Im going to complain about people. Im really trying to hold back typing some very specific explatives about certain people. I really am!
So, its been a hard night here at the "trailer park", the term I affectionately refer my place of employment to. We have a whole crap load of really unstable patients in the ICU, where they freaking belong, I might add! There are 4 patients on vents. 1 of them is trying to climb out of bed whilst vented. Can we say SEDATION PLEASE! One of the others is vented and trached and trying to move around. Hello, good way to strangle yourself! And the psycho pants lady decided she would have a giant seizure while the vents were climbing the walls. Sounds like fun huh? Oh, did I mention durring all of that someone was trying to bleed out on top of it all. Suck a duck! Im glad I dont work in the ICU here.
My good friend just went down to work the ICU full time. I miss her. sigh. I hope theyre not eating her alive. You know what they say, nurses tend to eat their young.
Up here, where the supposedly stable patients are, is a different story most of the time. Tonight we have 2 patients that have pulled out multiple IVs. Like 4 each. That in and of itself is a major bummer!......cuuuuuuuz the one dude has no veins and has dementia. So, in his head its probly a snake or something eating his arm. For that, I dont blame him for pulling it out and chewing on it. Probly sucking the venom out, right? It all makes sense now. Geez, I must be losing it. Im starting to find it really easy to think like my patients. Wait, maybe I have dementia?
One of the other "problems" is a guy who, quite frankly, concerns me. I am genuinely concerned for him. He drives semis for a living and landed in SLC from somewhere down south. All of a sudden he is NOT oriented. Or, in other words, doesnt know who, where, what time, where in time he is. Hes walking around the room stretching his IV.....llllllloooonger than it should be stretched. Peeing in the sink, grabbing at me and all sorts of funky stuff. This is a problem because he is going to hurt himself(aaaaaaand all that paperwork sucks if he falls and hurts himself) or someone else. Not to mention this guy drives a truck for a living. Thank heavens he wasnt driving when all this weirdness happened.
So my point was......even though the ICU sucks right now. We're having some issues too that are very time consuming. People dont need to be coming up here and throwing down attitude. Seriously! Youre busy, we're busy. Dont act like a total sunnuvva you know what. Way to keep morale up here at the trailer park.
In my opinion, this nursing job is the hardest job out there right now. We're expected to make people feel like theyre staying at the 4 seasons..... or at least the Marriott while they get better from whatever is "bugging" them. Someone tell me how Im supposed to do that when we dont have the necessary staff to cover all these patients so they have to wait when they call for something. Now, you know, here at the "trailer park" we dont even have enough equipment that works. Yup, sounding like luxury to me. Theres always patches in the walls where beds have smacked up against the wall and left a hole. Lights are burning out all the time. Faucets dripping, showers that have no hot water, etc, etc, etc. I could go on and on about how nothing works and how gosh awful ugly this place is but the true reason why patients arent happy here is because of money. Uhhh hum, money. The floors budget has been cut. Like everything else in this stupid economy. We got rid of all, I mean all, the luxury supplies. No proper bed bath wipes, no bed pads we just have bath blankets rigged up as draw sheets and thin blue chux that dont absorb ANYTHING!! And yet, we continue to be the highest grossing hospital in the region. So someone please explain to me why we cant have enough nurses to cover all these patients?
This place sucks 75% of the time because(I cant believe it took me this long to figure it out) we dont have more floors to house all the different patient types. My eyes were opened when I got called to work a shift over in "the promised land", our sister hospital, aka the mother ship, where they had true med/surg patients. Whaaaaaat?! yeah, I know, insane right? A med/surg floor with med/surg patients on it. Whoa, it kinda blows my mind too. 'Twas soooo heavenly! I didnt have crazies, and people peeing in sinks and others that kept trying to die. It.was.awesome!
Sooooo, over at the mother ship they have a floor for tele people(people needing heart monitors), a med/surg floor, and a crazy people floor. I could go on and on. Plus, its a different demographic of people......ummm how do i put this nicely? They dont have people that have 3 teeth and swing from engine blocks they strung up in trees to entertain themselves. They have, dare I say, "normal people".
Well, there we go. A small rant about work......again. :)
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
update
So miss MacKelty had her brain tumor taken out almost 2 weeks ago. The surgery was uneventful(a very good thing!). I cant explain things other than priesthood blessings and miracles were poured out upon us.
Everything remained intact for Kel. Even though the docs were telling me she could possibly end up in a bad situation....like having to relearn how to walk and eat and do everything we've worked so hard to do in the past 2 years. I mean, my darling baby girl didnt walk until she was almost 3 years old and that was only with the help of a walker. So I consider myself to be a recipient of more than one miracle in my lifetime. Just with MacKelty there have too many to even count.
So, she came out of surgery without the vent! Halleluja! The art lines were pulled and the only thing attached to her were Ivs and the tele monitors. It was awesome! Still scary to see her right after surgery though. But it was such a relief to see no vent. I didnt get too crazy at the hospital but you can ask Jay about my meltdown later that night. The only thing that made me nervous was that the RN(i hated her by the way....she was dumb, and yes, I was scrutinizing her care) had to manually hold her neck up to keep her airway open because she had some strider and was a little floppy. Wow, Im really having to hold back how much I want to slander that dumb nurse (now we had a situation the next day in PICU that I wanted to scream at her about. thats why).
But other than the scary PICU we had a good time in the hospital, believe it or not. Kel was just a little confused when she got home. She put her cup in the garbage rather than putting it in the sink where it goes. She still needs a little reminding about a couple things but shes walking and talking. Even running and jumping. You would never know she just had brain surgery almost 2 weeks ago.....except for the hideous baseball like stitching on the back of her head :)
Thanks to everyone that has helped us through the last 3 weeks. I truly appreciate everyones concern and involvement. Ive never had a ward rally around us and show complete strangers(us) so much love and support. Unfortunately it wasnt our own ward it was my moms but it was truly awesome to see.
Everything remained intact for Kel. Even though the docs were telling me she could possibly end up in a bad situation....like having to relearn how to walk and eat and do everything we've worked so hard to do in the past 2 years. I mean, my darling baby girl didnt walk until she was almost 3 years old and that was only with the help of a walker. So I consider myself to be a recipient of more than one miracle in my lifetime. Just with MacKelty there have too many to even count.
So, she came out of surgery without the vent! Halleluja! The art lines were pulled and the only thing attached to her were Ivs and the tele monitors. It was awesome! Still scary to see her right after surgery though. But it was such a relief to see no vent. I didnt get too crazy at the hospital but you can ask Jay about my meltdown later that night. The only thing that made me nervous was that the RN(i hated her by the way....she was dumb, and yes, I was scrutinizing her care) had to manually hold her neck up to keep her airway open because she had some strider and was a little floppy. Wow, Im really having to hold back how much I want to slander that dumb nurse (now we had a situation the next day in PICU that I wanted to scream at her about. thats why).
But other than the scary PICU we had a good time in the hospital, believe it or not. Kel was just a little confused when she got home. She put her cup in the garbage rather than putting it in the sink where it goes. She still needs a little reminding about a couple things but shes walking and talking. Even running and jumping. You would never know she just had brain surgery almost 2 weeks ago.....except for the hideous baseball like stitching on the back of her head :)
Thanks to everyone that has helped us through the last 3 weeks. I truly appreciate everyones concern and involvement. Ive never had a ward rally around us and show complete strangers(us) so much love and support. Unfortunately it wasnt our own ward it was my moms but it was truly awesome to see.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
raw and real
The goal of this particular post is to give a raw and real accounting of how a young mother(me) is feeling about her little daughter having a tumor resected from her brain in the next week.
Honestly, Im completely destraught and devastated. Its true, Ive been through this before but never with so much time to wallow and stew in my fears. The first time Kel had a brain tumor it was emergency surgery. The neurosurgeon gave her just enough time to get prophalactic antibiotics and a course of major inflamatories to reduce swelling before diving in and hoping she would survive. This time Ive had a month to stew and overthink things.
The weird thing is that Im still surviving. Still going to work....a major stress in my life and usually the first thing to push me over the edge. Still waking up every day, even though there have been days when I didnt want to. Still pushing on...because no matter how much I just want to spend every waking moment just holding Kel(like she would let me) other people depend on me. I cant let this disrupt everything around me and I have a responsibility to keep my sons life together as well. I know I cant fall off(the edge) because Gage needs me too. I guess he's most of the reason Im functioning as well as I am. Little did I know little Gage would be one of my rocks. In turn I have to be his rock too.
I dont think Ive ever bawled so much in my life. In the car alone those little thoughts pop into my head like: "you only have 5 days left of your daughter, she could die in 5 days." Or the thought of seeing her on total life support again with nurses, resp. therapists and doctors surrounding her puts a huge lump in my throat and makes my eyes well. I guess its more the thought of seeing her hurt so badly that really gets to me. Once youve seen your child with her head cut open and drains coming out of her brain it never leaves you. Its seared into my memory and I will never forget what kind of despair and helplessness that completely encompassed me at that moment in time. I dont want to see that again but I know I have too.
Its honestly the vent(breathing machine) that scares me the most. Last time she would breathe on top of the vent and then let the vent do the work for her. In medicine that meant she wasnt completely ready to be extabated(the breathing tubes pulled out). But they did it anyway. The docs know what theyre doing but Im just really nervous about everything.
Im nervous and scared because I know too much. Working where I do Ive seen too many things go bad. Too many little things turn into big things. And things that were supposed to go according to plan dont, and people die. People die. Doctors arent god and they cant save everyone. Im firm in the thought that when the Lord wants to take somebody he will. And he has....even though it didnt seem like they were sick enough to die or it didnt seem like it was their time. Children die too. Ive never watched a child die, and I dont want next Tuesday to be the time when I watch my own slip away.
Its just been hard having more than a month to stew. There have been blessings that have come from the situation. My faith is firmer, we're leaving our house and headed for a new life with none of the baggage or reprocussions from the last surgery, we'll hopefully be able to make smarter choices and work more on education for Jay and I, my heart is softer, and Ive learned how to be a little more humble.
I would be lying to you if I said I was happy and spiritual right now. Im not happy about my daughters life being handed to some doctors up at Primary Childrens on Tuesday. But this has been a spiritual experience. I live my life for my kids. And to be so close to letting one of them go is hard to choke down. It flat out sucks. I was angry for a while, then I felt defeated, depressed, and a level of sadness no one can understand. Its actually kind of amazing to feel such a deep deep sorrow. I carry it around with me everywhere I go. A nagging light in the distance that somehow means emptyness to me right now. But at the same time I still feel a glimmer of hope that things will turn out for the best. Must be the eternal optimist in me. The realist in me is preparing me for the worst at the same time though.
On the realism note, the neurosurgeon has told us that hes optimistic he'll get a GTR(gross total resection , which means he should be able to resect or take out the whole tumor without disturbing good brain tissue). Dr. Kestle seems to be optimistic about surgery. According to him there shouldnt be alot of "effects" from it either. Ive noticed the docs up there like to focus on the positive and skirt around what could happen just from cutting into the brain. I wont list the possible outcomes from surgery because I tend to focus on them and Im trying to be more positive. I just hope she survives surgery and the critical 24 hours after. Then itll be smoothe sailing for me.
If you havent figured out by now Im worried about Kel just staying alive through surgery. Im worried that something could go wrong and she could code and die. Im worried about these things because there are significant bleeding risks cutting into the brain or any part of the head for that matter. Its just so vascular and she could have to have major amounts of blood pumped back into her. Last time, if Im not mistaken, they replaced her blood volume twice through the procedure. Im worried about anesthesia too. Its going to be a long surgery and the longer shes down the more things can go wrong. I know all too well the miracles of modern science and how well theyre(the OR staff)is prepared to handle any situation. Its a miracle just to have a hospital and staff of that calibur taking care of Kel through the whole thing. Also.....if you havent figured out by now, Im having a really hard time not being able to control this.
I guess the thing thats bringing me the most sadness is the thought that Kels days may be numbered. Its always there, hanging out in the back of my mind. A time limit to things. A time limit with my daughter. Its a very real possiblility and it majorly sucks. Ive only mentioned this fear to Jay when my kind husband is listening to me in the dark at bed time. Im glad hes optimistic and pulls me up in my times of weakness.
So in conclusion to this very long blog post. Im sad, full of sorrow and worry. I just cant say Im totally hopeful about things. Im scared.
Honestly, Im completely destraught and devastated. Its true, Ive been through this before but never with so much time to wallow and stew in my fears. The first time Kel had a brain tumor it was emergency surgery. The neurosurgeon gave her just enough time to get prophalactic antibiotics and a course of major inflamatories to reduce swelling before diving in and hoping she would survive. This time Ive had a month to stew and overthink things.
The weird thing is that Im still surviving. Still going to work....a major stress in my life and usually the first thing to push me over the edge. Still waking up every day, even though there have been days when I didnt want to. Still pushing on...because no matter how much I just want to spend every waking moment just holding Kel(like she would let me) other people depend on me. I cant let this disrupt everything around me and I have a responsibility to keep my sons life together as well. I know I cant fall off(the edge) because Gage needs me too. I guess he's most of the reason Im functioning as well as I am. Little did I know little Gage would be one of my rocks. In turn I have to be his rock too.
I dont think Ive ever bawled so much in my life. In the car alone those little thoughts pop into my head like: "you only have 5 days left of your daughter, she could die in 5 days." Or the thought of seeing her on total life support again with nurses, resp. therapists and doctors surrounding her puts a huge lump in my throat and makes my eyes well. I guess its more the thought of seeing her hurt so badly that really gets to me. Once youve seen your child with her head cut open and drains coming out of her brain it never leaves you. Its seared into my memory and I will never forget what kind of despair and helplessness that completely encompassed me at that moment in time. I dont want to see that again but I know I have too.
Its honestly the vent(breathing machine) that scares me the most. Last time she would breathe on top of the vent and then let the vent do the work for her. In medicine that meant she wasnt completely ready to be extabated(the breathing tubes pulled out). But they did it anyway. The docs know what theyre doing but Im just really nervous about everything.
Im nervous and scared because I know too much. Working where I do Ive seen too many things go bad. Too many little things turn into big things. And things that were supposed to go according to plan dont, and people die. People die. Doctors arent god and they cant save everyone. Im firm in the thought that when the Lord wants to take somebody he will. And he has....even though it didnt seem like they were sick enough to die or it didnt seem like it was their time. Children die too. Ive never watched a child die, and I dont want next Tuesday to be the time when I watch my own slip away.
Its just been hard having more than a month to stew. There have been blessings that have come from the situation. My faith is firmer, we're leaving our house and headed for a new life with none of the baggage or reprocussions from the last surgery, we'll hopefully be able to make smarter choices and work more on education for Jay and I, my heart is softer, and Ive learned how to be a little more humble.
I would be lying to you if I said I was happy and spiritual right now. Im not happy about my daughters life being handed to some doctors up at Primary Childrens on Tuesday. But this has been a spiritual experience. I live my life for my kids. And to be so close to letting one of them go is hard to choke down. It flat out sucks. I was angry for a while, then I felt defeated, depressed, and a level of sadness no one can understand. Its actually kind of amazing to feel such a deep deep sorrow. I carry it around with me everywhere I go. A nagging light in the distance that somehow means emptyness to me right now. But at the same time I still feel a glimmer of hope that things will turn out for the best. Must be the eternal optimist in me. The realist in me is preparing me for the worst at the same time though.
On the realism note, the neurosurgeon has told us that hes optimistic he'll get a GTR(gross total resection , which means he should be able to resect or take out the whole tumor without disturbing good brain tissue). Dr. Kestle seems to be optimistic about surgery. According to him there shouldnt be alot of "effects" from it either. Ive noticed the docs up there like to focus on the positive and skirt around what could happen just from cutting into the brain. I wont list the possible outcomes from surgery because I tend to focus on them and Im trying to be more positive. I just hope she survives surgery and the critical 24 hours after. Then itll be smoothe sailing for me.
If you havent figured out by now Im worried about Kel just staying alive through surgery. Im worried that something could go wrong and she could code and die. Im worried about these things because there are significant bleeding risks cutting into the brain or any part of the head for that matter. Its just so vascular and she could have to have major amounts of blood pumped back into her. Last time, if Im not mistaken, they replaced her blood volume twice through the procedure. Im worried about anesthesia too. Its going to be a long surgery and the longer shes down the more things can go wrong. I know all too well the miracles of modern science and how well theyre(the OR staff)is prepared to handle any situation. Its a miracle just to have a hospital and staff of that calibur taking care of Kel through the whole thing. Also.....if you havent figured out by now, Im having a really hard time not being able to control this.
I guess the thing thats bringing me the most sadness is the thought that Kels days may be numbered. Its always there, hanging out in the back of my mind. A time limit to things. A time limit with my daughter. Its a very real possiblility and it majorly sucks. Ive only mentioned this fear to Jay when my kind husband is listening to me in the dark at bed time. Im glad hes optimistic and pulls me up in my times of weakness.
So in conclusion to this very long blog post. Im sad, full of sorrow and worry. I just cant say Im totally hopeful about things. Im scared.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
YUP, its him. its superman!
Well, blog readers...its true. I married Superman. I was intentionally looking more for the batman type with all his rubber pants wearing-sidekick in his scivies goodness but nope. Superman flew into the picture......with his bright red scivies and tights!
I dont know where Id be if "Superman" wasnt here to tend to my every whim. Its true, I think I will go home after this horribly long night at work and make him rub my feet with some sort of his Supermanish powers. Powers are so much more awesome than a crappy utility belt. Take that dumb Batman....what you got in your utility belt for that? A pedegg? hmmmm that could work. But then again......
Ok, so back to the point. I really did marry Superman and if you dont believe me ask him yourself. He has now even started referring to himself as Superman and acts like it too. I have asked on numerous an occasion for him to wear the tights but apparently even Superman is too manly to wear his red tights with blue undies. Geez, all I wanna do is see those glorious man thighs in some tights! When?! When?! When will I get the tights?!
Not even the dreaded kryptonite(raisins in cookies and almost anywhere else) could keep Superman down! Not even his malfunctioning gall bladder! This is how I know my husband had been mutated and exposed to something radioactive(probly at work with the stinky people and their radioactivity) because 2 days after having an organ removed he was rummaging around under the house to turn the water main off. I know, hes a nut not an alien. There has to be another explanation for his Supermanyness. He was not born on Krypton 'cuz our children are non-supers....and neither am I.
well, the investigation will go on. I will find out who mutated my husband into being Superman........even if he wont put the tights on.
I dont know where Id be if "Superman" wasnt here to tend to my every whim. Its true, I think I will go home after this horribly long night at work and make him rub my feet with some sort of his Supermanish powers. Powers are so much more awesome than a crappy utility belt. Take that dumb Batman....what you got in your utility belt for that? A pedegg? hmmmm that could work. But then again......
Ok, so back to the point. I really did marry Superman and if you dont believe me ask him yourself. He has now even started referring to himself as Superman and acts like it too. I have asked on numerous an occasion for him to wear the tights but apparently even Superman is too manly to wear his red tights with blue undies. Geez, all I wanna do is see those glorious man thighs in some tights! When?! When?! When will I get the tights?!
Not even the dreaded kryptonite(raisins in cookies and almost anywhere else) could keep Superman down! Not even his malfunctioning gall bladder! This is how I know my husband had been mutated and exposed to something radioactive(probly at work with the stinky people and their radioactivity) because 2 days after having an organ removed he was rummaging around under the house to turn the water main off. I know, hes a nut not an alien. There has to be another explanation for his Supermanyness. He was not born on Krypton 'cuz our children are non-supers....and neither am I.
well, the investigation will go on. I will find out who mutated my husband into being Superman........even if he wont put the tights on.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Ok, news on the Kelty front: surgery will be September 26th at 0600. Im relieved to say the least. When the neurosurgeon called (he, himself called, not his lackee nurse :) he said that he did not think there would be any need for chemotherapy and that he was very confident surgery would take care of the "thing". YAY!!!
So she will need to stay in the hospital for about a week again and that will be that. I was literally outside my gourd not knowing what the tumor board was going to do......as some of you may have noticed from my last post that got deleted.....sorry if it alarmed anyone. I wrote it in a fit neurosis. Yes, my dear friends, I.AM.COMPLETELY.NEUROTIC.....at times. Annnnnd this is my blog and im not going to apologize for it.
Anywho, I think Jay and I have come up with a plan to be able to take care of Kel. Something drastic has to be done. Well, this is hard to explain clearly. Kels medical needs are becoming increasingly EXPENSIVE!!!!!....and we cannot afford everything we have and be able to pay for everything she needs. And guess what, her medical needs come before other things that must be purchased. For example, I cant let her go without physical therapy just for us to live in the crap shack weve been residing in for the past couple of years.....besides we dont really like the "crap shack" but its ours.Like we have a mortgage on it and I painted the walls ours. But oh well, it can go and its not hurting my feelings. So we will be moving.....eventually. Back to renting....ughhhh. I am looking forward to things like if the water heater goes out we dont have to replace it......we just sit around and let the landlord fix it. I also like the fact that renting a place is going to be alot cheaper for us and we might actually have some time to do something(like maybe a small vacation) here next summer. Instead of imaginary vacations in between wiping someones rear end at work.
All in all, since I have a plan in place for Kel I can now focus on being only semi-neurotic. :)
Friday, July 29, 2011
nothing new, again.
.......nothing new, again.
I guess Im just having alot of blog-apathy or something like that. I think Im too stressed about everything going on in my life that I wont let my mind wander like it used to. Nah, who am I kidding?! My mind constantly wanders.....just ask Jay. Im constantly unloading the ever present reel of whats going on in Aerial-land(what I refer to as my mind or psyche) to him. And what a wonderful husband I might add for doing that. At least, let me repeat, at least 3 times a week I change what I would like to do with my life and have to run it by Jay to see what he thinks. And his fervent, fervent as he always is, answer is always: "you'd be good at that" or "if thats what you really want to do". See, what a good hubby!
But, life has not been kind to us lately.....let me rephrase, for some reason I or we(Jay and I) are being tested....again. You would think the Lord might let us have a break. I guess not.
OK, get ready for some pre-existent horn tooting! My personal opinion on this whole being tested more and more and more lately is because I was stubborn in the pre-existence and told the Lord "let me take those trials, I can handle them. I'll prove to you I can handle them." Maybe I should have kept my big mouth shut or I should just breathe and try to live through this.
One of the major things Im struggling with is my daughter. On our last MRI there was something growing in her brain again. We cant tell if its scar tissue or another tumor. Ummm, I wont go into it much further because it makes my chest hurt and I cant bear to think that something is going to happen again. I honestly just cant bear it right now.
Weve had a major financial burden because of Kels medical expenses as you can imagine. Which has made Jay keep his extra 24 hours a week on top of his normal 40 hours a week just so we can survive now. Jays started getting sick now, there is something wrong with my superman and I am deathly worried.
I wont blubber about all my trials but Im just saying that with so many other things going on around me, not to mention being pregnant on top of this, its hard to think of anything else.
Call it blog-apathy or just plain old survival mode. Sorry for not being more jovial and having more fun blog posts.
Can I just say, being preggo is nice but Im getting to the point where its sooooooo hot! Icky hot!
I guess Im just having alot of blog-apathy or something like that. I think Im too stressed about everything going on in my life that I wont let my mind wander like it used to. Nah, who am I kidding?! My mind constantly wanders.....just ask Jay. Im constantly unloading the ever present reel of whats going on in Aerial-land(what I refer to as my mind or psyche) to him. And what a wonderful husband I might add for doing that. At least, let me repeat, at least 3 times a week I change what I would like to do with my life and have to run it by Jay to see what he thinks. And his fervent, fervent as he always is, answer is always: "you'd be good at that" or "if thats what you really want to do". See, what a good hubby!
But, life has not been kind to us lately.....let me rephrase, for some reason I or we(Jay and I) are being tested....again. You would think the Lord might let us have a break. I guess not.
OK, get ready for some pre-existent horn tooting! My personal opinion on this whole being tested more and more and more lately is because I was stubborn in the pre-existence and told the Lord "let me take those trials, I can handle them. I'll prove to you I can handle them." Maybe I should have kept my big mouth shut or I should just breathe and try to live through this.
One of the major things Im struggling with is my daughter. On our last MRI there was something growing in her brain again. We cant tell if its scar tissue or another tumor. Ummm, I wont go into it much further because it makes my chest hurt and I cant bear to think that something is going to happen again. I honestly just cant bear it right now.
Weve had a major financial burden because of Kels medical expenses as you can imagine. Which has made Jay keep his extra 24 hours a week on top of his normal 40 hours a week just so we can survive now. Jays started getting sick now, there is something wrong with my superman and I am deathly worried.
I wont blubber about all my trials but Im just saying that with so many other things going on around me, not to mention being pregnant on top of this, its hard to think of anything else.
Call it blog-apathy or just plain old survival mode. Sorry for not being more jovial and having more fun blog posts.
Can I just say, being preggo is nice but Im getting to the point where its sooooooo hot! Icky hot!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
whats new
Sorry for not blogging so much lately. I guess I just dont have alot to say.
I guess we could update about the preggo-ness going on here. Im 16 weeks along now. Im finally not nauseated into an oblivion but Im still exhausted. So sleepy all the time. I feel like I should just lay my head down and go to sleep right on the desk. Yup, right here next to the call light(im at work of course).
We still dont know what the baby is......although we have a guess. I havent bought much of anything yet, just some new bottles and a pack of diapers, new binkis and thats about it.
Im just so flippin tired. I guess I'll get blogging again here more consistently......sorry, mybad
I guess we could update about the preggo-ness going on here. Im 16 weeks along now. Im finally not nauseated into an oblivion but Im still exhausted. So sleepy all the time. I feel like I should just lay my head down and go to sleep right on the desk. Yup, right here next to the call light(im at work of course).
We still dont know what the baby is......although we have a guess. I havent bought much of anything yet, just some new bottles and a pack of diapers, new binkis and thats about it.
Im just so flippin tired. I guess I'll get blogging again here more consistently......sorry, mybad
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
tired tired tired
Well, havent posted for a while. I guess I just havent had much to say lately with all the sleeping going on here. I was hoping this exhausted phase of pregnancy would be over by now.....nope.....still completely tired. Not to mention Ive been excrutiatingly nauseated for weeks now. Its making it difficult to do my work 'cause i usually end up barfing from all the gastly smells in the hospital. I have now barfed(like heaving my guts out!) 3 times from emptying emesis basins or bed pans. But you can bet Im gagging 100% of the time I have to do that......sorry if thats tmi.
Good news! Theres just one baby! We thought there might be more than one for a little bit.
My darling Gage had a b-day this past weekend. It was fun and he had a good time. What a wonderful blessing he is to me. My kids are my joy. Geez, how they grow up so fast!
Sorry so short.....too tired to say more
Good news! Theres just one baby! We thought there might be more than one for a little bit.
My darling Gage had a b-day this past weekend. It was fun and he had a good time. What a wonderful blessing he is to me. My kids are my joy. Geez, how they grow up so fast!
Sorry so short.....too tired to say more
Saturday, April 9, 2011
well, this explains alot!
Let me start off by saying I thought I was going through menopause or depression or something. Menopause would explain the hot flashes, fatigue, cravings for food/nausea, not sleeping(or way too much sleeping), so on and so forth right? Depression would also explain fatigue, like major fatigue! Like not getting off the couch for like 3 weeks fatigue! Along with the moodiness, lack of desire or energy to do anything. I mistook that for disinterest in daily life and not enjoying activities, which would be a big part of depression for me. Now, Im too young for menopause, i have had bouts of depression. But this is different.Which brings me to what could explain all this? Let me state for the record that I DID NOT put all the pieces together until last week Saturday(conference saturday). I would also like to enter into evidence that I never had a positive preggo test! Nope, not one.......until last saturday. So, turns out that, yup you guessed it! Im preggy! YAY!! Im excited! I feel kinda dumb that I didnt put it all together. But alas, its not as bad as I was thinking. I was thinking that I could possibly be like 12-14 weeks pregnant and missed the whole first trimester. That would have been awesome, now that I think about it. I totally could have been one of those gals that didnt know she was pregnant 'til she delivered in the toilet thinking that was one big poop. no, probly not seeing that my pants are already too tight! So i went to see my trusty gyno, Dr. Colby. Hes not everyones cup of tea but hes a fantastic doctor and I respect him alot. Ya know, its so weird to work with your ob/gyn knowing that hes seen my forbidden fruits. Its even weirder delivering a baby on the floor that you worked on. uh huh i had kelty at pioneer....and i worked labor and delivery so i totally knew everyone there. they made it awesome and i would do it again if my doc would let me. anywho.......dr. colby did an ultra sound(thank heaven it wasnt trans-vaginal) and it revealed that i was only 6 weeks along. whew! i didnt miss the whole first trimester. but my last period was at the beginning of january so you can see where i would have gotten the 12-14 weeks. it was a nice first appointment. they made me pee in a cup, like every freakin time i go to the doc! I hate peeing in cups! for some reason it really grosses me out! I always think Im gonna get it on my hands. I know, I know, after seeing what I do for money(at work) i shouldnt be worried about getting my own pee on my hands. The best part of this whole appointment was that dr. colby didnt do the part I was dreading! YAY! nope, it wasnt the pap smear cuz he did that along with a full vaggy-xam(vaginal exam). I was praying that he wouldnt do a breast exam! and to my lovely suprise, he didnt! Let me explain, I always shower, like a full on hour long shower before going to the gyno. Full on-taking off the dermis- scrub down before going to the gyno. I am such a weirdo about it. Dude, I have to see this guy at work. I aint going to be leaving any lasting(or wafting) impressions if you get my drift. So, my point is I hate having the breast exam because he makes you lay flat on the table, nude from the waste up and he jiggles. No, he doesnt jiggle, he jiggles me. And he checks the lymph nodes in the pits. Im pretty ticklish and i always end up busting out in a belly laugh when he jiggles my pits. The first time it happened he was laughing so hard he had to stop. Thus, deep scaring emberassment. And I am ashamed to say that this has happened on more than on occassion. Im sure he remembers this and maybe thats why he didnt do the breast exam. Maybe hes just waiting for Jay to come so they can laugh at me together. I digress, it was a nice first appointment. I go back in 2 weeks to see if theres more than one in there and to see if we can get some heart tones on the doplar.....fetus is too young to hear the heart tones this week. I am soooooo excited! The Lord must have heard me when I offered my crib to a friend at work....she didnt need it. Whew, I know! Such a crazy world this is. But Im happy and grateful to be having more than one! 6 weeks and counting!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
new words for the year!!!!
I am a firm believer in being loyal and having stick-ed-it-to-it-edness, and not giving up. My previous words to live by for this year were resolute and accept, which i am not abandoning......but adding to! YAY!!! I am excited to add this new motto: "I can do hard things".
I was parousing through blogs and found the most heart renching blog about a young mother that lost her precious little daughter. As I was reading some of the posts, and my heart breaking over and over for this mom, I came accross a quote that said "I can do hard things". OMH(oh my heck!!!)! How simple?! How divine?! Literally, how divine?! I had been praying and asking for strength lately and the wonderful man upstairs knows that words are my thing. Words, like quotes and scripture always seem to have a such a high bearing with me. Quotes and beautiful words whether written or spoken always touch me and get into my heart faster and better than anything else.
How fitting it was for me to run across this. From one struggling mom to another, she said tell yourself "I can do hard things". That just gets to me. Because I CAN do hard things, and will CONTINUE to do hard things. Suddenly Im not so overwhelmed, the world seems to be in perspective, and i have gained back a little more of the confidence that i have completely lost lately. yes! I can do hard things!
Sooooo, ummmm, the worst thing that ive felt has been way out of perspective or reach for me was continuing my education. Because it just seems way too hard. Not enough moolah, not enough time, not enough wits about me to get anything done. Nope, not anymore, because......yup, you guessed it! I can do hard things! No more of this woe is me crap! No more feeling bad for myself and living in the fuzz(depression), its fading and i will press onward.
Ive been working on pressing my shoulder to the wheel and getting up on my rock and this little grouping of beautiful words is another leg up on things. Im happy i came upon this other persons blog about losing her daughter. it made me feel so blessed to still have mine. i know she(my kid, the toad) is here for a reason, if for anything to keep teaching and humbling me. i have a tremendous amount of admiration for these 2 young parents living through the death of their little girl. i feel like if Kel died i would just shrivel up and blow away. which makes me so eternally and deeply grateful for the plan of salvation. i know that if anything happened to either one of my blessings(my 2 kids are called blessings, yes from another quote! The quote it came from is: "my 2 greatest blessings call me mom".) that i would be able to see them again, and not all is lost. Which in turn makes me even more grateful to my lovely husband. He is my everything, my rock, and yes my salvation. Wow, i am such a blessed person. i have way more than i need and have been witness to more than my share of miracles. But, to the cute little mommy that lost her little girl: I dont know exactly how you feel but i sure have been close. my heart aches for you but it is soothed to know that you believe in the same principles i do.
another one of my favorite quotes is: (seems to be fitting for this post)
"If you're listening, if you're awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break; it's purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold ever more wonders.
-Andrew Harvey
I was parousing through blogs and found the most heart renching blog about a young mother that lost her precious little daughter. As I was reading some of the posts, and my heart breaking over and over for this mom, I came accross a quote that said "I can do hard things". OMH(oh my heck!!!)! How simple?! How divine?! Literally, how divine?! I had been praying and asking for strength lately and the wonderful man upstairs knows that words are my thing. Words, like quotes and scripture always seem to have a such a high bearing with me. Quotes and beautiful words whether written or spoken always touch me and get into my heart faster and better than anything else.
How fitting it was for me to run across this. From one struggling mom to another, she said tell yourself "I can do hard things". That just gets to me. Because I CAN do hard things, and will CONTINUE to do hard things. Suddenly Im not so overwhelmed, the world seems to be in perspective, and i have gained back a little more of the confidence that i have completely lost lately. yes! I can do hard things!
Sooooo, ummmm, the worst thing that ive felt has been way out of perspective or reach for me was continuing my education. Because it just seems way too hard. Not enough moolah, not enough time, not enough wits about me to get anything done. Nope, not anymore, because......yup, you guessed it! I can do hard things! No more of this woe is me crap! No more feeling bad for myself and living in the fuzz(depression), its fading and i will press onward.
Ive been working on pressing my shoulder to the wheel and getting up on my rock and this little grouping of beautiful words is another leg up on things. Im happy i came upon this other persons blog about losing her daughter. it made me feel so blessed to still have mine. i know she(my kid, the toad) is here for a reason, if for anything to keep teaching and humbling me. i have a tremendous amount of admiration for these 2 young parents living through the death of their little girl. i feel like if Kel died i would just shrivel up and blow away. which makes me so eternally and deeply grateful for the plan of salvation. i know that if anything happened to either one of my blessings(my 2 kids are called blessings, yes from another quote! The quote it came from is: "my 2 greatest blessings call me mom".) that i would be able to see them again, and not all is lost. Which in turn makes me even more grateful to my lovely husband. He is my everything, my rock, and yes my salvation. Wow, i am such a blessed person. i have way more than i need and have been witness to more than my share of miracles. But, to the cute little mommy that lost her little girl: I dont know exactly how you feel but i sure have been close. my heart aches for you but it is soothed to know that you believe in the same principles i do.
another one of my favorite quotes is: (seems to be fitting for this post)
"If you're listening, if you're awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break; it's purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold ever more wonders.
-Andrew Harvey
yeep!
Sorry for not posting sooner. So, update on MacKelty huh? We saw the neurosurgeon on the 14th(im not entirely sure if this is the most accurate date) and he didnt seem concerned very much about the "thing". He said she was doing good and would like to see scans in 6 months. The overall jist of the conversation was that he thinks the "thing" is scar tissue.
My heart and psyche was aching ever since we had this stupid MRI that showed the "thing". I honestly thought I was going to lose my marbles! They were just going to roll out one of my ears and down the sidewalk. I suppose this sort of thing would make a person a little neurotic.....you know, never knowing if your kid is going to have brain cancer again at any moment and then none of the hoards of doctors(that have almost bankrupted us btw)will tell you anything. ughhhh...sigh....needless to say, I havent been holding it together very well lately.
But all in all we're doing good. Dr. Kestle didnt seem to concerned and the oncologist said she didnt think it was too much to worry about but of course they wont tell if it is or if it isnt. So diplomatic these docs are. Im a little jaded by this whole situation. But I am immensely grateful for the docs and the miracles theyve helped us have.
My heart and psyche was aching ever since we had this stupid MRI that showed the "thing". I honestly thought I was going to lose my marbles! They were just going to roll out one of my ears and down the sidewalk. I suppose this sort of thing would make a person a little neurotic.....you know, never knowing if your kid is going to have brain cancer again at any moment and then none of the hoards of doctors(that have almost bankrupted us btw)will tell you anything. ughhhh...sigh....needless to say, I havent been holding it together very well lately.
But all in all we're doing good. Dr. Kestle didnt seem to concerned and the oncologist said she didnt think it was too much to worry about but of course they wont tell if it is or if it isnt. So diplomatic these docs are. Im a little jaded by this whole situation. But I am immensely grateful for the docs and the miracles theyve helped us have.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
bad thought water
Well, today is the day. Another update from Kel's docs should be coming this afternoon via phone call. The oncologist is going to have a conference about Kelty with the neurosurgeons to see what they think the "thing" is. I am really hoping that Dr. Kestle will be able to just know what it is when he looks at it.
Jay gave me a blessing yesterday so I could feel better. It worked. Almost immediately my head was cleared. Sometimes when Im really worried or having copious amounts of stress I feel like Im drowning in bad thoughts. Bad thoughts like worried thoughts and nothing will get me out of the "bad thought water". It sucks. Im greatful for having a husband that is worthy to give me blessings. I love him. Its good and comforting to know that hes right there with me.
So, since the blessing I do feel better. Im not so crazy about the "thing". Now I know we'll just deal with it. We'll be strong and just take whatever comes our way. Sure does seem like alot is coming our way lately again. I often wonder why Im being tested so much. I guess its because I have alot to learn. Maybe after the phone call this afternoon I'll be a little more calm.
Jay gave me a blessing yesterday so I could feel better. It worked. Almost immediately my head was cleared. Sometimes when Im really worried or having copious amounts of stress I feel like Im drowning in bad thoughts. Bad thoughts like worried thoughts and nothing will get me out of the "bad thought water". It sucks. Im greatful for having a husband that is worthy to give me blessings. I love him. Its good and comforting to know that hes right there with me.
So, since the blessing I do feel better. Im not so crazy about the "thing". Now I know we'll just deal with it. We'll be strong and just take whatever comes our way. Sure does seem like alot is coming our way lately again. I often wonder why Im being tested so much. I guess its because I have alot to learn. Maybe after the phone call this afternoon I'll be a little more calm.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
pessimistically optimistic
So, I like to believe that Im an eternal optimist. I usually DO find the bright side about things. I like to look for a good quality in people that are buggin' so I can focus on something good about them instead of whats rubbing me the wrong way.
But...........
My little baby, MacKelty, had an MRI last Wednesday..........the results werent what I was expecting. Something is back, something has shown up in the post operative site. The oncologist told me that she thought it could be scar tissue or tumor growing back. The curious thing about it is that whatever is growing is right on the incisional line in the cerebellum. This sucks!
So, the docs want serial scans done to see if the "thing" is growing. I guess if it grows or changes the "thing" will have to come out. I DO NOT want chemo done. Surgery is the best option for Kelty anyway, the docs said so, since she has done so well from the last brain operation.
I am so depressed about this. Little kids arent supposed to have to deal with life threatening diseases. Im so hurt about my daughter possibly having another brain tumor. I know her prognosis is good but I cant help but be crazy worried about it. I feel like no one will even listen to me, other than Jay. How can anyone listen to me? Im a big bawling mess of neurosis. I cant help but think about how serious this surgery is. Maybe half my problem is knowing too much. I understand why and how hard it was to get Kelty off the vent(ventilator=life support) after her first surgery. I undertsand that the area that is housing this "thing" controls balance, breathing(ummmm kinda need to breath to live!), ocular movement(the doc said this), and all sorts of life sustaining functions. I trust our neurosurgeon, but things go wrong, with my luck I cant afford to be stupidly optimistic. I have to be a realist about this. I feel the need to prepare myself for every scenario. I hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I guess you could say that Im pessimistically optimistic.
I hope things go well. Thats all I can say about it, I just hope things go in Kel's favor. Its hard feeling like your kid is living on borrowed time. Ive always had the distinct impression that Kelty wont be with us(on earth) forever. The only thing that brings me peace is my religion. I love the fact that I will be able to have her again in heaven if anything happens to her. I cant help but think, if she dies as a child, that her purpose had been fulfilled to the best of her ability. What a sweet work she has to do. I dont know what it is yet but its just a wonderful feeling to know that. It fills my heart with unbridled sadness to think of losing her but it brings me joy to kow that if she dies in her childhood that her purpose had been fulfilled in that pure joy that children bring to us.
The other night we told Gage that something is growing in his sisters head again and that he needed to say special prayers for her. He listened so intently and his little eyes began to tear. We had a good heart to heart before he went to bed. And then my heart broke in two.
Gage always says his prayers out loud. Jay and I heard him pleading with this Heavenly Father to "please help my sister, please please please". He was crying and begging Heavenly Father to help his little sister. How can a mother live through this? Jay and I just began to cry. My glued up heart slowly broke again. Those tender moments listening to a 7 year old little boy pleading to his Heavenly Father is sometimes just too much to take. A 7 year old shouldnt have to feel this much heart ache.
The absolute worst thought of this whole thing is if MacKelty dies I will keep living. How cruel it is to know that life keeps moving on, no matter how much I dont want it to. It keeps on trudging and I will keep living....even if she passes away. This is the hardest thing for me to take. This is the hardest thing for me to live through. I do ask why couldnt it be me?
Sometimes Ive had thoughts of her funeral. I dont like to think about it, but on occasion, little things slip past my brains filter-o-good thoughts. All this unknown is unbearable. And all I can do is enjoy every little noise and wiggle the Lord will let me have. Who knows, we may be the lucky recipients of another miracle.
I have to be honest, every finger I have is crossed, ive been praying and pleading myself, but I still remain a realist. Pessimistically optimistic, I guess you could say. We'll see whats on the next MRI, I really do hope someone can tell me its just scar tissue.
But...........
My little baby, MacKelty, had an MRI last Wednesday..........the results werent what I was expecting. Something is back, something has shown up in the post operative site. The oncologist told me that she thought it could be scar tissue or tumor growing back. The curious thing about it is that whatever is growing is right on the incisional line in the cerebellum. This sucks!
So, the docs want serial scans done to see if the "thing" is growing. I guess if it grows or changes the "thing" will have to come out. I DO NOT want chemo done. Surgery is the best option for Kelty anyway, the docs said so, since she has done so well from the last brain operation.
I am so depressed about this. Little kids arent supposed to have to deal with life threatening diseases. Im so hurt about my daughter possibly having another brain tumor. I know her prognosis is good but I cant help but be crazy worried about it. I feel like no one will even listen to me, other than Jay. How can anyone listen to me? Im a big bawling mess of neurosis. I cant help but think about how serious this surgery is. Maybe half my problem is knowing too much. I understand why and how hard it was to get Kelty off the vent(ventilator=life support) after her first surgery. I undertsand that the area that is housing this "thing" controls balance, breathing(ummmm kinda need to breath to live!), ocular movement(the doc said this), and all sorts of life sustaining functions. I trust our neurosurgeon, but things go wrong, with my luck I cant afford to be stupidly optimistic. I have to be a realist about this. I feel the need to prepare myself for every scenario. I hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I guess you could say that Im pessimistically optimistic.
I hope things go well. Thats all I can say about it, I just hope things go in Kel's favor. Its hard feeling like your kid is living on borrowed time. Ive always had the distinct impression that Kelty wont be with us(on earth) forever. The only thing that brings me peace is my religion. I love the fact that I will be able to have her again in heaven if anything happens to her. I cant help but think, if she dies as a child, that her purpose had been fulfilled to the best of her ability. What a sweet work she has to do. I dont know what it is yet but its just a wonderful feeling to know that. It fills my heart with unbridled sadness to think of losing her but it brings me joy to kow that if she dies in her childhood that her purpose had been fulfilled in that pure joy that children bring to us.
The other night we told Gage that something is growing in his sisters head again and that he needed to say special prayers for her. He listened so intently and his little eyes began to tear. We had a good heart to heart before he went to bed. And then my heart broke in two.
Gage always says his prayers out loud. Jay and I heard him pleading with this Heavenly Father to "please help my sister, please please please". He was crying and begging Heavenly Father to help his little sister. How can a mother live through this? Jay and I just began to cry. My glued up heart slowly broke again. Those tender moments listening to a 7 year old little boy pleading to his Heavenly Father is sometimes just too much to take. A 7 year old shouldnt have to feel this much heart ache.
The absolute worst thought of this whole thing is if MacKelty dies I will keep living. How cruel it is to know that life keeps moving on, no matter how much I dont want it to. It keeps on trudging and I will keep living....even if she passes away. This is the hardest thing for me to take. This is the hardest thing for me to live through. I do ask why couldnt it be me?
Sometimes Ive had thoughts of her funeral. I dont like to think about it, but on occasion, little things slip past my brains filter-o-good thoughts. All this unknown is unbearable. And all I can do is enjoy every little noise and wiggle the Lord will let me have. Who knows, we may be the lucky recipients of another miracle.
I have to be honest, every finger I have is crossed, ive been praying and pleading myself, but I still remain a realist. Pessimistically optimistic, I guess you could say. We'll see whats on the next MRI, I really do hope someone can tell me its just scar tissue.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Life isnt about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the rain!
This week has been a funny week. As I spend most of my time pondering about who I am and where Im going to end up, I cant help but think...... Where are we going?....Where am I going?.....What do I want for my own personal growth?
Ive reconsidered my career like 50 times, and I never come up with the same answer. I keep praying and praying, I havent been to the temple about it yet but I think I may have come up with the something. Maybe I got an answer tonight.
Ive been so concerned with trying to make a living and attain all these goals I have for myself that Ive majorly lost my path. I went from being a single mom with a baby that had no choice to make a certain amount of money to live....to marrying Jay, and all of a sudden, having choices. Choices, choices, choices. What do I really want to be? Which way to go?
Its always been stuck in my head that Ive needed to have a high powered career. Maybe so I could feel good about myself, maybe to know that I really have accomplished something. I dont know, but its never really what I WANTED. Inside me, I mean the real core of me, has always just wanted to be a mom. I remember not wanting to tell people that because Ive been told my whole life that I could accomplish anything and that I should get a high powered career because Im smart, and I'll make it in the working world alot easier than others. Some of that may be true, but my domestic side was never allowed to be nurtured or developed. By me or by others.....because I would never allow it to be the forefront of my self picture.
I have the distinct impression to get back to basics. To shy away from the "modern" woman. I am ashamed to say that my life hasnt been as based in the gospel as I would like it to be. Im turning it around and getting back up on the rock(as in the wise man built his house upon the rock). I feel very strongly about the traditional family and traditional values. I know where and what station in life is going to make me happy but sometimes I have a hard time admitting it. Being a stay at home mom is my dream. Believe me, coming from such a person as myself, I really do have modest dreams. All I want is to have enough money to pay the bills, have a decent house in a wonderful place, or somewhere that feels like I could really put down my roots. I just want to find my "forever place" and be a mommy.
I have a wonderful husband that knows and understands the real Aerial. He nurtures me and encourages me to find my place in the world. We work together to make our little world turn round. Its really hectic right now with both of our work schedules being crazy and overlapping alot, but we manage.
My mom tells me that very few people get to do what they WANT to do for a career and I should just accept that. That may be true but I can attribute my stubbornness to her, and I WILL get to have the life I want....and so will Jay. It may take us 10 years to get even remotely close but, gosh dangit, we'll get there! I have surrendered to the fact that I will probly have to work the rest of my life. No biggie, I do need to find something that is enjoyable though. And when it comes to Jay, he does NOT have to work 2 jobs for the rest of his life. We're trying to work smarter not harder....who knows if we'll ever get there but we'll die trying! I have nothing against my mom. But it is hard learning to think for myself. I value her opinion so heavily that I dont do alot of things if she thinks its a bad idea or doesnt sound as enthused as I think she should. My mom is there to protect me and offer advice. Its been hard learning to be my own person. Its hard to mention that I dont want to live in Salt Lake because she doesnt want us to go far. I understand that. Its hard for me to think about leaving them. But if moving to Idaho to give our children the life that Jay and I think they should have, might have to happen. It might have to happen just to give ourselves(me and jay) the life that we deserve too.
Wow, that was hard just typing. My dreams and passion lie in rural America. I want my kids to walk to school and not get abducted in 1 block. I want them to know where their food comes from and have wholesome values. I want my kids to wake up in the morning and smell the fresh mountain air. I want them to see sky and experience a different way of life. I want them to have a mom that doesnt have to run out the door every Friday night to go to work so they can get dumped off at grandmas 'cause, you guessed it, both parents are working the graveyard shift tonight. I want my kids to swim in a ditch and know what back breaking labor feels like. I want them to have parents that can have leisure time with them, time to spend with them.
It may be too much to ask for. We may never make it and be stuck here. But its all about dancing in the rain. And it feels good to admit who I am. Even if it just to myself.
Ive reconsidered my career like 50 times, and I never come up with the same answer. I keep praying and praying, I havent been to the temple about it yet but I think I may have come up with the something. Maybe I got an answer tonight.
Ive been so concerned with trying to make a living and attain all these goals I have for myself that Ive majorly lost my path. I went from being a single mom with a baby that had no choice to make a certain amount of money to live....to marrying Jay, and all of a sudden, having choices. Choices, choices, choices. What do I really want to be? Which way to go?
Its always been stuck in my head that Ive needed to have a high powered career. Maybe so I could feel good about myself, maybe to know that I really have accomplished something. I dont know, but its never really what I WANTED. Inside me, I mean the real core of me, has always just wanted to be a mom. I remember not wanting to tell people that because Ive been told my whole life that I could accomplish anything and that I should get a high powered career because Im smart, and I'll make it in the working world alot easier than others. Some of that may be true, but my domestic side was never allowed to be nurtured or developed. By me or by others.....because I would never allow it to be the forefront of my self picture.
I have the distinct impression to get back to basics. To shy away from the "modern" woman. I am ashamed to say that my life hasnt been as based in the gospel as I would like it to be. Im turning it around and getting back up on the rock(as in the wise man built his house upon the rock). I feel very strongly about the traditional family and traditional values. I know where and what station in life is going to make me happy but sometimes I have a hard time admitting it. Being a stay at home mom is my dream. Believe me, coming from such a person as myself, I really do have modest dreams. All I want is to have enough money to pay the bills, have a decent house in a wonderful place, or somewhere that feels like I could really put down my roots. I just want to find my "forever place" and be a mommy.
I have a wonderful husband that knows and understands the real Aerial. He nurtures me and encourages me to find my place in the world. We work together to make our little world turn round. Its really hectic right now with both of our work schedules being crazy and overlapping alot, but we manage.
My mom tells me that very few people get to do what they WANT to do for a career and I should just accept that. That may be true but I can attribute my stubbornness to her, and I WILL get to have the life I want....and so will Jay. It may take us 10 years to get even remotely close but, gosh dangit, we'll get there! I have surrendered to the fact that I will probly have to work the rest of my life. No biggie, I do need to find something that is enjoyable though. And when it comes to Jay, he does NOT have to work 2 jobs for the rest of his life. We're trying to work smarter not harder....who knows if we'll ever get there but we'll die trying! I have nothing against my mom. But it is hard learning to think for myself. I value her opinion so heavily that I dont do alot of things if she thinks its a bad idea or doesnt sound as enthused as I think she should. My mom is there to protect me and offer advice. Its been hard learning to be my own person. Its hard to mention that I dont want to live in Salt Lake because she doesnt want us to go far. I understand that. Its hard for me to think about leaving them. But if moving to Idaho to give our children the life that Jay and I think they should have, might have to happen. It might have to happen just to give ourselves(me and jay) the life that we deserve too.
Wow, that was hard just typing. My dreams and passion lie in rural America. I want my kids to walk to school and not get abducted in 1 block. I want them to know where their food comes from and have wholesome values. I want my kids to wake up in the morning and smell the fresh mountain air. I want them to see sky and experience a different way of life. I want them to have a mom that doesnt have to run out the door every Friday night to go to work so they can get dumped off at grandmas 'cause, you guessed it, both parents are working the graveyard shift tonight. I want my kids to swim in a ditch and know what back breaking labor feels like. I want them to have parents that can have leisure time with them, time to spend with them.
It may be too much to ask for. We may never make it and be stuck here. But its all about dancing in the rain. And it feels good to admit who I am. Even if it just to myself.
Monday, February 14, 2011
oops!
ok, so i believe i mentioned that i was not a good fish keeper. Nope not a good fish keeper. Gages Betta, Moonstar, lasted almost a week. 6 days infact. Last friday i promised gage that i would bring his fish in for show and tell.....i even mentioned it to his teacher that morning. Well, I went home to clean the tank to make sure it was lookin good for the 1st graders and guess what?! Belly up he was! The fish was fine like 20 minutes before that!
so i freaked out, called jay to see if he had any good ideas. he told me to go buy a new fish that looked the same. uhhh no. so i flushed poor moonstar down the toilet and didnt show up for show and tell. all the while my heart was breaking for my son. i didnt show up just because im a calloused person. nuh uhh, when it comes to my kids im not very hardchore, not when it comes to matters of the heart. in between not showing up and maybe killing the fish, i went all over to retrieve a new pet for gage that i could bring to show and tell. i couldnt find anything. i even went to the humane society to get a puppy! a freaking puppy to bring to class! but nothing fit.
so the day went by...me fretting and freaking out. I went to pick up gage....bracing for impact when he jumped into the car. he asked me why i wasnt there for show and tell and then i had to break the news. he put his littl ehead down and sobbed softly for a little bit. we then headed to petsmart to get a new pet. we got a neon tetra and an african dwarf frog.....
we'll see how they last
so i freaked out, called jay to see if he had any good ideas. he told me to go buy a new fish that looked the same. uhhh no. so i flushed poor moonstar down the toilet and didnt show up for show and tell. all the while my heart was breaking for my son. i didnt show up just because im a calloused person. nuh uhh, when it comes to my kids im not very hardchore, not when it comes to matters of the heart. in between not showing up and maybe killing the fish, i went all over to retrieve a new pet for gage that i could bring to show and tell. i couldnt find anything. i even went to the humane society to get a puppy! a freaking puppy to bring to class! but nothing fit.
so the day went by...me fretting and freaking out. I went to pick up gage....bracing for impact when he jumped into the car. he asked me why i wasnt there for show and tell and then i had to break the news. he put his littl ehead down and sobbed softly for a little bit. we then headed to petsmart to get a new pet. we got a neon tetra and an african dwarf frog.....
we'll see how they last
Sunday, February 6, 2011
here fishy fishy!
Good news minute!!!
We payed off 2 entire bills! YAY!!!
Now onto the real subject of this here blog. We got 2 fish! 2 Bettas or Siamese fighting fish! Gage named his Moonstar, because his face is "dark like the night and his tail is bright like a star". Oh Gage-o! He is soooo funny! He said that exact quote!....maybe he's been watching too much Avatar or something? He cracks me up. His fish is beautiful. Hes bright blue with a red stripe in his fins.
We got a little tank to house him and all the fixins or tools to take care of him. Funny Gage and Kelty checked on him like 50 times last night to make sure the fish was ok and swimming around like normal.
Kel named her fish(a female betta...not as big and pretty but she'll do) Aurora Borealis. Because her fish is pink, red, white, and a little blue...like the northern lights.
Now the dude at the petsmart said we could house a female and male betta in the same tank. Now, I thought differently 'cause I had some fighting fish when I was young and they would flip when the other fish bowl got too close, let alone be in the same tank. Sooooo, we put them in the same tank when we got Aurora home.....mmmmaybe not such a good idea. Moonstar puffed out his fins and began chasing the poor female all over the tank. She looked scared to death!...probly was fearing for her life...stupid me. But the dude said it was ok. So, Moonstar was chasing her all over and cornering her in the bottom of the tank. They seemed to calm down after a while, the fish that is. The kids never calm down. :)
So I came to work and looked up information on bettas. Uhhhhh aaaack! They should NOT be in the same tank! Stupid petsmart dude I knew you looked shifty! All the websites say its not a good idea to house them together because the male will kill the female after hes done torturing her or harass her around the tank to the point of exhaustion for the female so she cant come up for air and she drowns. Thats right, we just bought butthole fish!
So I was fretting about kels fish getting harassed and drowning or eaten by Moonstar. I made jay check on the fish like 20 times and text me to let me know how theyre doing. I know, Im a freak. I kept reading about fighting fish and I got so anxious about my little girls fish getting murdered in the night that I called Jay and made him get Aurora out of the tank and into a new one. Good thing I had a glass container that was perfect for her! YAY ME! Saved a fishys life today! Im such a good samaritan!
So I guess we'll see how long the fish live......Im not too good about keeping fish. But I'll try my darndest!
We payed off 2 entire bills! YAY!!!
Now onto the real subject of this here blog. We got 2 fish! 2 Bettas or Siamese fighting fish! Gage named his Moonstar, because his face is "dark like the night and his tail is bright like a star". Oh Gage-o! He is soooo funny! He said that exact quote!....maybe he's been watching too much Avatar or something? He cracks me up. His fish is beautiful. Hes bright blue with a red stripe in his fins.
We got a little tank to house him and all the fixins or tools to take care of him. Funny Gage and Kelty checked on him like 50 times last night to make sure the fish was ok and swimming around like normal.
Kel named her fish(a female betta...not as big and pretty but she'll do) Aurora Borealis. Because her fish is pink, red, white, and a little blue...like the northern lights.
Now the dude at the petsmart said we could house a female and male betta in the same tank. Now, I thought differently 'cause I had some fighting fish when I was young and they would flip when the other fish bowl got too close, let alone be in the same tank. Sooooo, we put them in the same tank when we got Aurora home.....mmmmaybe not such a good idea. Moonstar puffed out his fins and began chasing the poor female all over the tank. She looked scared to death!...probly was fearing for her life...stupid me. But the dude said it was ok. So, Moonstar was chasing her all over and cornering her in the bottom of the tank. They seemed to calm down after a while, the fish that is. The kids never calm down. :)
So I came to work and looked up information on bettas. Uhhhhh aaaack! They should NOT be in the same tank! Stupid petsmart dude I knew you looked shifty! All the websites say its not a good idea to house them together because the male will kill the female after hes done torturing her or harass her around the tank to the point of exhaustion for the female so she cant come up for air and she drowns. Thats right, we just bought butthole fish!
So I was fretting about kels fish getting harassed and drowning or eaten by Moonstar. I made jay check on the fish like 20 times and text me to let me know how theyre doing. I know, Im a freak. I kept reading about fighting fish and I got so anxious about my little girls fish getting murdered in the night that I called Jay and made him get Aurora out of the tank and into a new one. Good thing I had a glass container that was perfect for her! YAY ME! Saved a fishys life today! Im such a good samaritan!
So I guess we'll see how long the fish live......Im not too good about keeping fish. But I'll try my darndest!
Monday, January 31, 2011
My mom always knows more than me
I had yet another learning experience the other day. Jay and I have been in a situation where we havent known where we are going to come up with the money to pay keltys latest round of medical bills. And of course, I go and have these delusions of grandeur for lack of a better term. I skip ahead and think that we're going to lose our house and be in the streets...and have little ragedy ann children schlepping around garbage bags looking for the nearest soup kitchen. But....something always works out.
The last time kel was in the hospital was right before x-mas. She was lifeflighted there and I knew it was going to be a super huge bill. And it was. Let me tell you, we could have bought a couple beautiful new cars for the price we've paid for that girl. And its all been worth it. I would pay anything and everything for her. But it just gets hard after years of paying and just when we get it to a manageable state something happens again where we have to pay in upwards of $20,000.
So we were talking to my parents about what we are going to do. The medical billing lady at Primarys told me the monthly payment was going to be a certain amount for a couple years. Well, their "certain amount" is going to make it difficult to pay our mortgage, because we were stupid and couldnt get insurance reinstated for about 30 days and all this happened in that uninsured time. Tough cookies for us. Who knows what we're going to do.
So...in my parents infinate wisdom. Namely, moms infinate wisdom told me what they thought we should do. I guess moms relief society lesson was on Elder Uchtforfs latest talk in the Ensign. It said something to the effect that we should stop running faster through the turbulence in our lives and slow down through it. Like in an airplane when an inexperienced pilot encounters turbulence he would go faster through it out of first reaction and hit the turbulence fast and hard to get through it quickly. When you should really slow down and ease over the bumps slowly making for a smoother ride. Mom is so smart. She knows exactly how I think. I tend to try to run through my turbulence and hit it head on so I can get through it as fast as possible. I should slow down and find another avenue to pay this bill instead of the cockeyed schemes I always seem to come up with.
So I guess I'll start to slow down and take the turbulence slow. What a cool analogy that is. Mom and dad always know what to do.
On a different note, we had a loss in the family. I feel like we're going extinct. My moms cousin in law passed away Saturday from an unfortunate demise. Im not real clear on all details but it was all so sudden. And from what I heard it was not at all an easy or peaceful passing from a medical standpoint. I know she was in full renal failure, there was cancer involved but I dont know what kind, some sort of infection from a stent that was placed, and all other sort of terrible painful things. She went to the doctor right after thanksgiving and ended up in ICU and a care center and then placed on hospice on saturday morning. She passed saturday evening. In just a matter of 2 months. Im kindof in shock. This particular side of the family doesnt feel like cousins to me, more like aunts and uncles. This death is weird because it was a shock. I didnt know she was that sick. Its going to be weird going to family reunions and not seeing her there. There wont be any reminding of how she remembers me and my sister at her wedding. There wont be any more telling me how she remembers when I was little and cant believe how Im an adult now. I feel horrible for her husband, my moms cousin, and their son. It must be terrible to lose your mother at 19...and lose your spouse. I havent talked to Val or their som Orrin but I hope their doing ok. We're just waiting for word on the funeral now. So sad.
The last time kel was in the hospital was right before x-mas. She was lifeflighted there and I knew it was going to be a super huge bill. And it was. Let me tell you, we could have bought a couple beautiful new cars for the price we've paid for that girl. And its all been worth it. I would pay anything and everything for her. But it just gets hard after years of paying and just when we get it to a manageable state something happens again where we have to pay in upwards of $20,000.
So we were talking to my parents about what we are going to do. The medical billing lady at Primarys told me the monthly payment was going to be a certain amount for a couple years. Well, their "certain amount" is going to make it difficult to pay our mortgage, because we were stupid and couldnt get insurance reinstated for about 30 days and all this happened in that uninsured time. Tough cookies for us. Who knows what we're going to do.
So...in my parents infinate wisdom. Namely, moms infinate wisdom told me what they thought we should do. I guess moms relief society lesson was on Elder Uchtforfs latest talk in the Ensign. It said something to the effect that we should stop running faster through the turbulence in our lives and slow down through it. Like in an airplane when an inexperienced pilot encounters turbulence he would go faster through it out of first reaction and hit the turbulence fast and hard to get through it quickly. When you should really slow down and ease over the bumps slowly making for a smoother ride. Mom is so smart. She knows exactly how I think. I tend to try to run through my turbulence and hit it head on so I can get through it as fast as possible. I should slow down and find another avenue to pay this bill instead of the cockeyed schemes I always seem to come up with.
So I guess I'll start to slow down and take the turbulence slow. What a cool analogy that is. Mom and dad always know what to do.
On a different note, we had a loss in the family. I feel like we're going extinct. My moms cousin in law passed away Saturday from an unfortunate demise. Im not real clear on all details but it was all so sudden. And from what I heard it was not at all an easy or peaceful passing from a medical standpoint. I know she was in full renal failure, there was cancer involved but I dont know what kind, some sort of infection from a stent that was placed, and all other sort of terrible painful things. She went to the doctor right after thanksgiving and ended up in ICU and a care center and then placed on hospice on saturday morning. She passed saturday evening. In just a matter of 2 months. Im kindof in shock. This particular side of the family doesnt feel like cousins to me, more like aunts and uncles. This death is weird because it was a shock. I didnt know she was that sick. Its going to be weird going to family reunions and not seeing her there. There wont be any reminding of how she remembers me and my sister at her wedding. There wont be any more telling me how she remembers when I was little and cant believe how Im an adult now. I feel horrible for her husband, my moms cousin, and their son. It must be terrible to lose your mother at 19...and lose your spouse. I havent talked to Val or their som Orrin but I hope their doing ok. We're just waiting for word on the funeral now. So sad.
Friday, January 28, 2011
So this blog is about me and my year long journey into accepting myself and putting myself out there a little more. Here is a list of things I do or like. Yes, I am weird....and accepting it.
I dont sing in the shower but quite often I will dance in the shower. It hasnt resulted in injury yet...plus, you cant really move around alot in my master bathroom shower. If you put your elbows up they hit the walls, tiny shower! But I have tried to bust a move in there. Also, I sound like a drowning cat when I sing.
I always eat the same things at restaurants. I know what I like and I stick with it. Whats wrong with that?
I dont feel as old as I am. I feel like Im 21 or so.
I cant figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Im torn between 2 things. I dont know if I should stick with nursing or go to school to be a teacher. Its a struggle because nursing is faster and makes more money, but nursing school is very pricey and would leave us in debt. If I went to school to be a teacher it would take longer and it would be a funner job, but it doesnt make alot of money and I would have to work every day. This is my internal struggle. Which way to go?
When Im alone driving I listen to the music in the car really loud! I mean really loud! I totally sing at the top of my lungs too.
I hate wearing my hair down. Pony tails are my friend.
I get cravings for meat. I must eat like a man. Sometimes I just want a big medium rare steak. I just recently started liking mashed potatoes. Ive always hated them until about 3 years ago. Im starting to eat asparagus and brussel sprouts too. Both things that I didnt eat for years on end until just recently.
I dont like to wear socks. They make my feet feel weird.
I love to watch house improvement shows on tv. I also like to just go for drives and look at cool houses up in the avenues or by the capital. I absolutely love a house with alot of character!
I have SAD. seasonal affective disorder. And the winter really gets to me. :( I feel depressed today.
I feel like my job is an abusive boyfriend. I come to work and get hit, punched, kicked, pooped on, treated like Im someones slave, demanded that I wipe peoples butts because theyre too lazy and gross to do it themselves, treated inferior from certain stupid nurses, and all other sort of crap I deal with to work here. But then you get the nice patient that appreciates you and makes you feel like you can come back tomorrow and do it all over again. You know, like when an abusive boyfriend or husband punches his girl and then tells her he loves her and then she can never leave because she thinks he really loves her. Thats how my job is. It poops on me but I keep coming back.
I have numerous mountains of shoes...that dont fit anymore 'cause my feet grew when i was preggo with kelty. I should throw those out.
Jay said sleeping with socks on is quarky. I just think my feet get cold, or I dont think about it. I'll tell you a quarky thing about Jay....he hates shoes and he wears shorts in the winter. whos the weirdo now?
Some of that stuff is pretty quarky I suppose. Its me and Im accepting it.
I dont sing in the shower but quite often I will dance in the shower. It hasnt resulted in injury yet...plus, you cant really move around alot in my master bathroom shower. If you put your elbows up they hit the walls, tiny shower! But I have tried to bust a move in there. Also, I sound like a drowning cat when I sing.
I always eat the same things at restaurants. I know what I like and I stick with it. Whats wrong with that?
I dont feel as old as I am. I feel like Im 21 or so.
I cant figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Im torn between 2 things. I dont know if I should stick with nursing or go to school to be a teacher. Its a struggle because nursing is faster and makes more money, but nursing school is very pricey and would leave us in debt. If I went to school to be a teacher it would take longer and it would be a funner job, but it doesnt make alot of money and I would have to work every day. This is my internal struggle. Which way to go?
When Im alone driving I listen to the music in the car really loud! I mean really loud! I totally sing at the top of my lungs too.
I hate wearing my hair down. Pony tails are my friend.
I get cravings for meat. I must eat like a man. Sometimes I just want a big medium rare steak. I just recently started liking mashed potatoes. Ive always hated them until about 3 years ago. Im starting to eat asparagus and brussel sprouts too. Both things that I didnt eat for years on end until just recently.
I dont like to wear socks. They make my feet feel weird.
I love to watch house improvement shows on tv. I also like to just go for drives and look at cool houses up in the avenues or by the capital. I absolutely love a house with alot of character!
I have SAD. seasonal affective disorder. And the winter really gets to me. :( I feel depressed today.
I feel like my job is an abusive boyfriend. I come to work and get hit, punched, kicked, pooped on, treated like Im someones slave, demanded that I wipe peoples butts because theyre too lazy and gross to do it themselves, treated inferior from certain stupid nurses, and all other sort of crap I deal with to work here. But then you get the nice patient that appreciates you and makes you feel like you can come back tomorrow and do it all over again. You know, like when an abusive boyfriend or husband punches his girl and then tells her he loves her and then she can never leave because she thinks he really loves her. Thats how my job is. It poops on me but I keep coming back.
I have numerous mountains of shoes...that dont fit anymore 'cause my feet grew when i was preggo with kelty. I should throw those out.
Jay said sleeping with socks on is quarky. I just think my feet get cold, or I dont think about it. I'll tell you a quarky thing about Jay....he hates shoes and he wears shorts in the winter. whos the weirdo now?
Some of that stuff is pretty quarky I suppose. Its me and Im accepting it.
Monday, January 17, 2011
skeleton keys chapter 1
I stared off into the darkness of the night hoping my brain would go numb and the call lights would stop going off. But the thick black wouldnt take me. The darkness out the hospital window was unrelenting. No matter how I begged it would not take me into its depths and fantasy.
The traffic light accross the street was flashing red constantly reminding me of all the IV pumps that needed reprograming, all the bags of NS that needed rehanging, all the butts that needed wiping. And then pure black. Black. It jolted me back into reality from my trailing thoughts. At least this time they were about work and not something totally unrelated. Like Jay.
"Hey, the powers off across the street." I stated to all the nurses at the nursing station. Nothing but hums and groans as the others charted furiously on their patients. Barely even a look. Oh well, I thought to myself. Time to get moving again, no one else is going to take care of these people. A smug reminder of my own voice in my head. Was that supposed to be my conscience? My inner child maybe? So typical, I thought. Totally trying to self diagnose again.
I can hear jingling even before it gets to me. Darlene, the respiratory therapist always carried a huge ring of keys hanging from a caribeaner clipped to her scrubs. She was a tall woman, carried herself well. Obviously athletic, totally into rock climbing from the looks of her. Her eyes glint and peer into me from the corners of them as she practically floats past me. I kept watching her and then she gave it. The sign. She touched her caribeaner and unclipped it from her scrubs. She was rubbing the keys with her slender fingers. And she looked back, silently motioning me to go with her.
We entered the patients room, the man who had spit on me the night before. I wasnt mad at him. He didnt know what he was doing. The poor thing had Alzheimers...end stage. He had no chance. "Aerial." Darlene said, " should we really do this?" "I dont know, Im ninety percent sure I saw it. In fact, I know thats exactly what I saw." I'm always so wishy washy. I cant help it, its the way I was born. Always so eager to flip flop, I can never really make up my mind.
"OK" Darlene said. "Lets do this".
As quick as a flash of lightning the room began spinning like you were standing in the eye of a tornado. Darlene stood there with her arms crossed over her chest and her eyes tightly shut like a child afraid of monsters. At the bedside I placed my two fingers on his forehead right over the center of his eyes and began mouthing the words: Warlock in the shadows show me your true self. Warlock in the shadows show me your true self. And again, warlock in the shadows show me your true self. "Dar open your eyes, look!" I love this part. I looked at every inch of my arm extended to touch this man. Every inch of my skin shone like crushed diamonds and I just drank it in. It was the subtlest pink of pinks mixed with gold flecks and crystal. My scrub top looked silly donning such an expensive looking arm. I giggled to myself as I thought.
"I cant look! Every time you do this I get motion sick. If I look Im going to barf!" Darlene said. "uhh whatever, just watch Dar, focus on him. You can see his mark as long as Im touching him." And just then it began to glow in a hazy grey above his eyes on his forehead. I always thought it so profound that it was in the same place as the preverbial third eye. It was beautiful, like a celtic knot but much much more intricate. The room was spinning faster and papers floating everywhere. Darlene said "wheres the key? We have to get the key!" "I saw it in his valuables bag in the closet" I said. As she ran to the closet bumping into chairs and things a loud knock pounded on the door. Just as the door was opening the room stopped, papers returned to their rightful place and my arm swiftly moved to my side. One of the nurses was checking on the patient as she walked by. "I heard something fall" said the brand new nurse right out of nursing school. Her name was Sunny. Of course her name would be Sunny I thought to myself. "We're fine" I said while giving her the nastiest look I could. Her face dropped as she shut the door and walked away. Thats the problem with trying to do this at work but I had my reasons.
"Aerial, do you think you could just do the floating thing instead of making the room spin next time we see one of these things?" exclaimed Darlene.
"I guess so but I had to use alot of power to get his mark to show through. He doesnt have much life left in him so I had to use some of mine,and unfortunately I have a tornado effect" I said to Dar as I jabbed her in the ribs while we riffled through an old mans belongings.
The key was beautiful. It looked like this mans mark. Almost like a celtic knot made from some sort of iron or black metal but more intricate, more refined. It had a bright red ruby right in the center. It almost seemed to glow it was so deep and saturated with color. It must be old I thought to myself. Just as I thought that Darlene whisked the key out of my hand and shoved it into her pocket. "Not tonight, hes too weak now" she said. "Tomorrow we'll come back for him, when hes regained some strength...and power". "Fine, but I'd just like to get this done now. I can make it look like he just stopped breathing. Its so much less paper work Dar." I whined with a big sigh. "Come on, hes already lost alot of his strength. Lets just put him out of his misery before he figures out who has his key." I firmly propositioned. "Remember the last time we let someone live without their key?"
"I dont think I like this" I mentioned as we walked back to the nurses station. "Neither do I" said Dar. "But we have no choice, I dont have my book with me". "You should just save your spells into your blackberry you know" I said rolling my eyes.
I sat down right at the same computer I was at before. But now more excited, almost giddy. I had chills running through my arms and a strange tingling sensation in my fingers where I had touched the key. Thats weird I thought, none of the other keys had a physical sensation with them. Hmm something I'll have to test when I can get into the warlocks powers tomorrow.
Darlene waited for me next to my car as I walked out after a long hard shift at the hospital. "You coming to the gym this morning?" "Yeah, I should but Im just going to go home and sleep and get some of the stink off me." "Alright" she said"Be ready tomorrow night." "Dont worry so much Dar, I'll be ready".
The traffic light accross the street was flashing red constantly reminding me of all the IV pumps that needed reprograming, all the bags of NS that needed rehanging, all the butts that needed wiping. And then pure black. Black. It jolted me back into reality from my trailing thoughts. At least this time they were about work and not something totally unrelated. Like Jay.
"Hey, the powers off across the street." I stated to all the nurses at the nursing station. Nothing but hums and groans as the others charted furiously on their patients. Barely even a look. Oh well, I thought to myself. Time to get moving again, no one else is going to take care of these people. A smug reminder of my own voice in my head. Was that supposed to be my conscience? My inner child maybe? So typical, I thought. Totally trying to self diagnose again.
I can hear jingling even before it gets to me. Darlene, the respiratory therapist always carried a huge ring of keys hanging from a caribeaner clipped to her scrubs. She was a tall woman, carried herself well. Obviously athletic, totally into rock climbing from the looks of her. Her eyes glint and peer into me from the corners of them as she practically floats past me. I kept watching her and then she gave it. The sign. She touched her caribeaner and unclipped it from her scrubs. She was rubbing the keys with her slender fingers. And she looked back, silently motioning me to go with her.
We entered the patients room, the man who had spit on me the night before. I wasnt mad at him. He didnt know what he was doing. The poor thing had Alzheimers...end stage. He had no chance. "Aerial." Darlene said, " should we really do this?" "I dont know, Im ninety percent sure I saw it. In fact, I know thats exactly what I saw." I'm always so wishy washy. I cant help it, its the way I was born. Always so eager to flip flop, I can never really make up my mind.
"OK" Darlene said. "Lets do this".
As quick as a flash of lightning the room began spinning like you were standing in the eye of a tornado. Darlene stood there with her arms crossed over her chest and her eyes tightly shut like a child afraid of monsters. At the bedside I placed my two fingers on his forehead right over the center of his eyes and began mouthing the words: Warlock in the shadows show me your true self. Warlock in the shadows show me your true self. And again, warlock in the shadows show me your true self. "Dar open your eyes, look!" I love this part. I looked at every inch of my arm extended to touch this man. Every inch of my skin shone like crushed diamonds and I just drank it in. It was the subtlest pink of pinks mixed with gold flecks and crystal. My scrub top looked silly donning such an expensive looking arm. I giggled to myself as I thought.
"I cant look! Every time you do this I get motion sick. If I look Im going to barf!" Darlene said. "uhh whatever, just watch Dar, focus on him. You can see his mark as long as Im touching him." And just then it began to glow in a hazy grey above his eyes on his forehead. I always thought it so profound that it was in the same place as the preverbial third eye. It was beautiful, like a celtic knot but much much more intricate. The room was spinning faster and papers floating everywhere. Darlene said "wheres the key? We have to get the key!" "I saw it in his valuables bag in the closet" I said. As she ran to the closet bumping into chairs and things a loud knock pounded on the door. Just as the door was opening the room stopped, papers returned to their rightful place and my arm swiftly moved to my side. One of the nurses was checking on the patient as she walked by. "I heard something fall" said the brand new nurse right out of nursing school. Her name was Sunny. Of course her name would be Sunny I thought to myself. "We're fine" I said while giving her the nastiest look I could. Her face dropped as she shut the door and walked away. Thats the problem with trying to do this at work but I had my reasons.
"Aerial, do you think you could just do the floating thing instead of making the room spin next time we see one of these things?" exclaimed Darlene.
"I guess so but I had to use alot of power to get his mark to show through. He doesnt have much life left in him so I had to use some of mine,and unfortunately I have a tornado effect" I said to Dar as I jabbed her in the ribs while we riffled through an old mans belongings.
The key was beautiful. It looked like this mans mark. Almost like a celtic knot made from some sort of iron or black metal but more intricate, more refined. It had a bright red ruby right in the center. It almost seemed to glow it was so deep and saturated with color. It must be old I thought to myself. Just as I thought that Darlene whisked the key out of my hand and shoved it into her pocket. "Not tonight, hes too weak now" she said. "Tomorrow we'll come back for him, when hes regained some strength...and power". "Fine, but I'd just like to get this done now. I can make it look like he just stopped breathing. Its so much less paper work Dar." I whined with a big sigh. "Come on, hes already lost alot of his strength. Lets just put him out of his misery before he figures out who has his key." I firmly propositioned. "Remember the last time we let someone live without their key?"
"I dont think I like this" I mentioned as we walked back to the nurses station. "Neither do I" said Dar. "But we have no choice, I dont have my book with me". "You should just save your spells into your blackberry you know" I said rolling my eyes.
I sat down right at the same computer I was at before. But now more excited, almost giddy. I had chills running through my arms and a strange tingling sensation in my fingers where I had touched the key. Thats weird I thought, none of the other keys had a physical sensation with them. Hmm something I'll have to test when I can get into the warlocks powers tomorrow.
Darlene waited for me next to my car as I walked out after a long hard shift at the hospital. "You coming to the gym this morning?" "Yeah, I should but Im just going to go home and sleep and get some of the stink off me." "Alright" she said"Be ready tomorrow night." "Dont worry so much Dar, I'll be ready".
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Ode to the toad and Gage-O
My darling boy is 6 years old going on 15. He has such a strong yet subtle personality. He is wonderfully vocal...meaning he has a huge vocabulary and uses terms correctly. But also can be subdued and mysterious. We have an unspoken bond literally. I know what hes thinking and can usually tell exactly what im thinking. Hes amazing!
Gage loves his snow boots and wants to try new things, although he easily discourages himself, hes good at everything. He has turned out to be absolutely gorgeous. With a strong square jaw line and clear blue eyes. If I had to pick a word to describe Gage it would be lion-hearted. Hes my little tender heart. I cant believe hes growing up so fast. He truly captured me on day one. If I could spend the rest of my life just sitting and watching him, taking in his presence, I would be truly content. A squeeze from baby-gage makes my heart melt every time.
My Toad(MacKelty) is my joy. Shes light-hearted fun all the way around. She trots around the house making noises and acting like a grown up. My little girl is ALL girl. She takes after me....she loves shoes(So does gage). She lifts my spirits and brings fun into our home. Although she potty training shes been an angel. Kelty is mischievious but honest. Ive never seen a more loving and truly honest person ever. Shes pure love....especially to her brother.
I love both my kids and couldnt ask for more. Both have been an absolute blessing and a wonder. They teach me everyday. Theyre my best friends and most precious blessing. Our personalities, granted theyre still little, match completely. My babies are the perfect compliment to eachother and to me. I would never be able to express anything in words how much I love them. They are my joy, my life, my reason for carrying on, my everything.
The best blessing Ive been given is to have a small glimpse and a minute understanding of what it is that Heavenly Father feels for me. What a wonderful thing it is to have children. Pure blessings.
Gage loves his snow boots and wants to try new things, although he easily discourages himself, hes good at everything. He has turned out to be absolutely gorgeous. With a strong square jaw line and clear blue eyes. If I had to pick a word to describe Gage it would be lion-hearted. Hes my little tender heart. I cant believe hes growing up so fast. He truly captured me on day one. If I could spend the rest of my life just sitting and watching him, taking in his presence, I would be truly content. A squeeze from baby-gage makes my heart melt every time.
My Toad(MacKelty) is my joy. Shes light-hearted fun all the way around. She trots around the house making noises and acting like a grown up. My little girl is ALL girl. She takes after me....she loves shoes(So does gage). She lifts my spirits and brings fun into our home. Although she potty training shes been an angel. Kelty is mischievious but honest. Ive never seen a more loving and truly honest person ever. Shes pure love....especially to her brother.
I love both my kids and couldnt ask for more. Both have been an absolute blessing and a wonder. They teach me everyday. Theyre my best friends and most precious blessing. Our personalities, granted theyre still little, match completely. My babies are the perfect compliment to eachother and to me. I would never be able to express anything in words how much I love them. They are my joy, my life, my reason for carrying on, my everything.
The best blessing Ive been given is to have a small glimpse and a minute understanding of what it is that Heavenly Father feels for me. What a wonderful thing it is to have children. Pure blessings.
words to live by
The wonderful new year has come and Im excited. My words to live by this year are:
Resolute and Accept
I will be resolute in my day to day life. Meaning valiant, unwavering, a rock for my family to stand on. This also encompasses for me being resolute with my children. There is no apathy or complacency with my babies. I will work to be a resolute mother in Zion until the day I die.
Accept. Ahhh accept. This one is personal. I will accept my quarks. I will accept the way I look, although I really truly believe Im not that bad looking. I do think Im pretty....just want to lose some weight, not change the way I look. I will accept my true feelings. I will accept exactly who I am and not work to be what others want me to be. I am myself, and I will accept it. I accept Aerial.
Resolute and Accept
I will be resolute in my day to day life. Meaning valiant, unwavering, a rock for my family to stand on. This also encompasses for me being resolute with my children. There is no apathy or complacency with my babies. I will work to be a resolute mother in Zion until the day I die.
Accept. Ahhh accept. This one is personal. I will accept my quarks. I will accept the way I look, although I really truly believe Im not that bad looking. I do think Im pretty....just want to lose some weight, not change the way I look. I will accept my true feelings. I will accept exactly who I am and not work to be what others want me to be. I am myself, and I will accept it. I accept Aerial.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
it was like breaking up with a boyfriend
So I was parousing facebook and came across a group to join from my old dance troop. Its called Cloggers Ala Carte/Thunder and Lightning Cloggers. As soon as I saw it there was a lump in my throat. I had such a wonderful time with all these fabulous people from my childhood that I couldnt help but get all choked up. Such fun memories of dancing and hanging out with friends. I went on my first plane ride with these people, went on my first big trip(w/o my parents) with this group, and had alot of just plain old good times with them.
I cant help but remember when my parents and I chose not to go back one year. I was 14 and completely devastated. Really, honestly devastated. We chose not to go back because of the team that I was placed on. My parents were unwilling to pay for anymore lessons if I wasnt going to be on the "good team". Plus some other drama went down Im not willing to discuss on a blog. I remember my mom telling me on a summer afternoon, the team that I had been placed on and who else was on the team. I felt horrible about it because i was no longer with any of the people that i had previously danced with. For a chubby adolescent it just cemented the fact that I was too fat to be on the "good team". I stewed for days over not picking my legs up enough, or being too fat to fit in, or being too chicken and big to try any lifts. The absolute worst thing for me was leaving the people. I truly loved the kids i danced with. But life had to go on.
I didnt want to quit dancing altogether so my parents decided they would put me in over at Castleview. I was detraught over leaving CAC but my school friends danced at Castleview, so it wasnt too much of a stretch. Castleview made me try out for a team because I entered the season a little late. I was scared out of my mind! I had never been in such a huge fancy studio. They had beautiful rosined floors and mirrors almost all the way around. Not to mention there were like 4 studios in the one building. After feeling like a fat failure at age 14, I decided all I could do was do the best i could and they would put me on a team that fit my skill level.
And guess what! Booyah! They put me on 3 of their best teams! And I turned pro at age 16. I started taking 1st place in freestyle everytime i competed. Not to mention, I never got lower than 2nd place on any team, duet, or freestyle event. And all it took was a little tweaking from a professional dance instructor. My first teacher at Castleview pulled me aside and told me that I always danced with my things too close together and thats why I didnt look like I was picking my legs up as high. That was a hard habit to break but it corrected all the bad habbits no one had bothered to study before.
It was a smoothe transition, and some of the best times in my life. It was well worth it for my parents to let me feel the pain of losing my dance partners in turn for placing me in a positive environment where I could grow as a dancer and a person. I had some of THE BEST times of my life at Castleview.....and at CAC.
I do miss Cloggers Ala Carte. I miss the people. I wonder if they still remember me and my family?
I cant help but remember when my parents and I chose not to go back one year. I was 14 and completely devastated. Really, honestly devastated. We chose not to go back because of the team that I was placed on. My parents were unwilling to pay for anymore lessons if I wasnt going to be on the "good team". Plus some other drama went down Im not willing to discuss on a blog. I remember my mom telling me on a summer afternoon, the team that I had been placed on and who else was on the team. I felt horrible about it because i was no longer with any of the people that i had previously danced with. For a chubby adolescent it just cemented the fact that I was too fat to be on the "good team". I stewed for days over not picking my legs up enough, or being too fat to fit in, or being too chicken and big to try any lifts. The absolute worst thing for me was leaving the people. I truly loved the kids i danced with. But life had to go on.
I didnt want to quit dancing altogether so my parents decided they would put me in over at Castleview. I was detraught over leaving CAC but my school friends danced at Castleview, so it wasnt too much of a stretch. Castleview made me try out for a team because I entered the season a little late. I was scared out of my mind! I had never been in such a huge fancy studio. They had beautiful rosined floors and mirrors almost all the way around. Not to mention there were like 4 studios in the one building. After feeling like a fat failure at age 14, I decided all I could do was do the best i could and they would put me on a team that fit my skill level.
And guess what! Booyah! They put me on 3 of their best teams! And I turned pro at age 16. I started taking 1st place in freestyle everytime i competed. Not to mention, I never got lower than 2nd place on any team, duet, or freestyle event. And all it took was a little tweaking from a professional dance instructor. My first teacher at Castleview pulled me aside and told me that I always danced with my things too close together and thats why I didnt look like I was picking my legs up as high. That was a hard habit to break but it corrected all the bad habbits no one had bothered to study before.
It was a smoothe transition, and some of the best times in my life. It was well worth it for my parents to let me feel the pain of losing my dance partners in turn for placing me in a positive environment where I could grow as a dancer and a person. I had some of THE BEST times of my life at Castleview.....and at CAC.
I do miss Cloggers Ala Carte. I miss the people. I wonder if they still remember me and my family?
i have a heavy heart today
Notice:
My previous post was about people i went to high school with.. Dont worry it wasnt anyone I attended church with, or is even my age. In fact, theyre all a few years older than me. I didnt mean it to sound rude, or degrading. Its kinda hard to put all the emotion i wanted to into a blog post. i have the utmost respect for these people and respect their way of life.....i too live that partucular way of life. Maybe im just a little more liberal.
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I have a heavy heart today.
I was reading a friends blog from the past couple years and it was sooo full of angst and hurt. This person was close to me but after extenuating circumstances not any more. I was reading post after post after post. All full of hurt and confusion. So many drunken entries, so much lost time. I didnt realize how hurt he was. How broken and full of sorrow.
It was wierd to have such a reaction to his posts because some were unmistakenly about me...and about my son. For a second while wading through all these drunken meanderings i couldnt help but wonder why there were still some references of long past times. A date is kind of bugging me. I was reading a 4000 word drunk blog that mentioned something totally off the wall about a significant date with fireworks. I wonder what that was about and why he put that in there. I'll have to ask him. Im perplexed....with a heavy heart today.
I hope the healing can continue with this person and all is well soon.
My previous post was about people i went to high school with.. Dont worry it wasnt anyone I attended church with, or is even my age. In fact, theyre all a few years older than me. I didnt mean it to sound rude, or degrading. Its kinda hard to put all the emotion i wanted to into a blog post. i have the utmost respect for these people and respect their way of life.....i too live that partucular way of life. Maybe im just a little more liberal.
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I have a heavy heart today.
I was reading a friends blog from the past couple years and it was sooo full of angst and hurt. This person was close to me but after extenuating circumstances not any more. I was reading post after post after post. All full of hurt and confusion. So many drunken entries, so much lost time. I didnt realize how hurt he was. How broken and full of sorrow.
It was wierd to have such a reaction to his posts because some were unmistakenly about me...and about my son. For a second while wading through all these drunken meanderings i couldnt help but wonder why there were still some references of long past times. A date is kind of bugging me. I was reading a 4000 word drunk blog that mentioned something totally off the wall about a significant date with fireworks. I wonder what that was about and why he put that in there. I'll have to ask him. Im perplexed....with a heavy heart today.
I hope the healing can continue with this person and all is well soon.
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