backyard chickens

wow, im a slacky blogger. its been forever since i posted something, and for that i apologize.

Alot has happened since my last post. it was the "summer o' fun" and we didnt even get half of our  activities in.

But we did make it to idaho this year. in fact we just got back a few days ago. im sooooo glad we went. i should know better and always go on the vacation jay wants to go on. im usually never very excited to go but im always glad i did when i get back.

something changed in my brain when we reached an area in kimberly, idaho. we were exploring and dreaming about properties we might purchase when all this hellish school is complete. we came accross a little neighborhood, i guess you could call it that, it had moderate houses on big properties. a couple acres or so, when i had this amazing crystalizing moment. it was the strongest deja-vu i have ever experienced. ive even dreamed about this place a couple times. it felt like we should just be pulling into our driveway and walking into the house. it was amazing how strong this feeling of home and complete security was. jay even had the same feeling at the same time.

since we decided to move out of our house and into the basement we had to completely start over. i mean 100% start over with nothing. everything we have is in a 10x10 storage locker in kearns......you know, not including what we have stashed in the very cramped bedroom i slept in when i was 14. we had absolutely no money in the bank and jay lost his job just a couple months after we moved to the basement. anyway, my point of starting over is that we just didnt have to monetarily start over. we had to start over mentally. kel had just had surgery and we were going to be having a baby in about 2 months after the move. so new house(one bedroom for the 5 of us), no money, new rules(living with my mom), new parenting styes(or forced lack thereof), new ways to interact with jay even. not to mention gage having to switch schools and kelty starting school the next year. i guess things were very taxing. even with my annoyance of the people around me i appreciae everything my parents have done for me. i now have a deeper understanding of my family as the people they are. which leads me to my crystalizing moment in idaho....

i have always said that i wanted to live close to my parents because my grandparents live far away and i would have liked to have had a more "everyday" relationship with them. it would have been nice to have grandma and gramp at school functions and sunday dinner. it would have been cool to have a bigger support system closer. but in the last 4 or so years i have been almost longing in a way to go somewhere else. i have been in the same corner of the salt lake valley my entire life. and i straight up dont like it anymore.

its quite the shift in attitude in me.when i first married jay it was like i couldnt stand the thought of leaving my mom. i needed her still. i needed the safety net. jay was wonderful to recognize that and be patient with me. the truth is, he would just move with me anywhere i wanted to go. but im not happy here anymore. i need to get up to idaho. and here are my reasons: jay and i agree that raising kids in a small town is better than in the city. we could afford a big property with a nice house. its a wonderful sense of community in a smaller rural area(im no starnger to small town living, i "grew up" in a town smaller than rupert idaho) and its just what we want. the area we would like to live in is total farm country. theres rolling fields of beautiful green tall corn everywhere. its a really cool recreational area with lots to do. the schools are small and in a really good district. and i could stretch my wings. i feel good up there and it feels right. i wish we could go now but there are some drawbacks. we have to wait until school is finished, which means at least 3 more years of basement dwelling. ugh, i get so impatient. now that ive found the place i just want to go. and im going to miss seeing my family and friends every day. i know theyll come and visit but i dont want to miss out on their lives.....but its time we start living our own and be a stronger nuclear family unit. i have this weird feeling of wanting my kids back. its hard to share them with everyone and almost take a secondary role to mothering. in a very small way it feels like ive been made more into their older sister or nanny. i want to be the mom and not have to have a concensus with 4 people on disciplinary rules and bedtime. its weird living here at times. i just want to be the mom again and have time to see my husband.

there can be alot of tension here. but i think its been the best thing for us. my apron strings are cut and i feel like a stronger person for it. i no longer need my moms aproval on everything. its sad it took me this long. getting pregnant at 19 made me grow up pretty fast but in ways in stopped me from growing at all. im so glad the circle is almost complete and that all these trials have been teaching moments. Direction is a wonderful thing to have. something to look forward to. something to work for and sweat and pray about. its been a long time living in limbo and im ready to sit on the front porch staring at the corn and listening to my chickens in the back yard, its going to be great!

a.very.good.weekend..........and some spiritual stuff

hello blogging buddies.

so, shall we talk about something light hearted today? i think we should 'cuz im always ranting about my crappy job.

i would like to tell you about my trip to St. George last weekend and then onto some philosophical mumbo jumbo.

first up, st. george!!! i love southern utah! before i met the love of my life, who decided to randomly lick my face last night(just thought you all should know), i wanted to move down south. i was for sure going "down south". i had applied to dixie state college, which is now a university(good for them). and was looking into jobs and appartments. then life happened and plans were changed. i ended up staying in salt lake. but i always wanted to move there. anywho, we took the kids down there for a random weekend. it was soooo lovely and mild in the weather! we went to snow canyon and played in the dunes and let the kids climb on the rocks. we stayed in the coronada inn. dont ever stay there. it was a roach motel and gross. fork out the extra cash and stay somewhere decent. which we will be doing on our next trip down there. lesson learned. we ate and played and went swimming and went to see the temple. it was great and not nearly long enough.

secondly, some mumbo jumbo? ooh yes some mumbo please. i ask the question, which i was presented with this week on a COMPLETELY random day with a very unexpected visitor, have i been mistaking promptings with feelings? oh. so. deep. i will let you draw your own conclusions on your personal thoughts on this matter but it drew up another question for me. was i sure what an actual prompting is? i sat and pondered for a while and came to the conclusion that i have been mistaking promptings for feelings. according to me a prompting is a nudging, if you will, from the holy ghost. its not just a thought. for me, promptings are stronger than feelings. they are the sure understanding of something. nothing wishy washy about the feeling that comes from a prompting but an almost absolute assurance about something. ive had promptings in my life only a few times. and they have all been strong enough not to question but to just do.
there have also been times in my life, now that i can look back and see, that sometimes these things that i have been fixated on have not been weird neurotic "aerial things" but guidance from my Heavenly Father. some things took me in a completely different direction and honestly, i wasnt sure why certain things were happening or why i was doing certain things. just that these certain things felt right. promptings are thoughts and feelings. the strong ones for me are the ones that are offered up with such certainty that i dont question i just know, if you will. then followed by the sweet comfort of the holy ghost.
when youre 4 years old and walking out into a busy street to retrieve your ball and you hear that inflection in your mothers voice when shes yelling at you to get out of danger is kind of how i feel about it. the 4 year old doesnt question the mother. the child somply obeys because of absolute trust and love. and a response to the alarm in the mothers voice. a prompting is the inflection in my Heavenly Fathers voice to help guide me.
i have such a thick head that sometimes i need to be yelled at with such gusto so that i'll listen. i have a prompting right now in my life. almost a nagging, a dragging(kicking and screaming) into something new and different. i dont know how i feel about it. well, i know i should just obey. it may not be something i ever thought i would end up doing but i guess i should make it happen. the time is now, and all i know is that someone is waiting for me in this new endeavor and i hope i can live up to what Heavenly Father has in store for me.

i feel defeated by nursing. i feel like it has me in its grasp and this nursing bug is going to make me a nurse because its the only thing in know how to do. i would like to have a job thats lets me live my own life. for example, not being so dog tired at the end of my shift to even deal with my kids at home. i would like to be able to know that im not going to have to interrupt christmas every year so i can go to work. i would LOVE to have a saturday off without having to have a serious tantrum to my boss. i absolutely hate the masses in generals attitude. old people talk about younger people being so entitled.....puhhhhlease! almost all the old people i come across at work are entitled simply because theyre old. gah, im starting to hate oldy moldies!

buuuuut, i also love this job. when its good its reallllllllly good!......and vice versa. i think im just burned out on this floor. i need a change. i want to go to nursing school but now im afraid. i would like to go to SLCC so i dont have to pay an arm and a leg to just get through it, and kindof shoot myself in the foot by going to a trade school. its just so hard and time consuming. i want to get the "good" degree but SLCC makes it almost impossible to even get into the program now.

there are so many things to complain about when it comes to this job. i guess i just dont like this floor. its the most demanding place to work in the hospital. and ive ranted and raved and stated that im never going to be a nurse and im going to do something else with better hours and less personal sacrifice. i really would love to just have an office job but i feel like its never going to compare to this. i love having 4 days off every week and getting good pay for the actual work i do. nursing also lends alot of flexibility(if youre willing to complain and cry to your boss:) i really do love it.

if i go to a trade school for nursing its going to cost about 55,000 dollars. whaaaaaaaat! thats crazy! i kow it is. im willing to do it though. if i went to ameritech i cold be done in 18 months and on the floor working as an RN. is the short amount of time worth the extra 40k? i dont know. probly not because it would disqualify, for lack of a better term, any graduate school education. i dont think i want to be a NP but i still would like to know that i could have the opportunity if i wanted to.

geez, i always complain about the same things huh. yup, its a pain. if you have to read about it imagine living it. sucks to be me sometimes. but my job can be incredibly...at times :)

my wonderful co-worker had a brilliant idea! i was talking to her about going back to school and what a struggle it will be and blah blah blah, school sucks kinda thing. shes in the same position as me. she has kids and is locked into her work schedule and some other things too, of course. anywho, she said "im not going to school to be a nurse 'cause they are just slaves and pooper scoopers. so im waiting until my youngest is in school. i only have 2 years to wait and then i can do what i want instead of doing 'this'".

wait, what?! that was a fresh perspective to me. i only have 3 years to wait and then baby cheetoh will be in school. k so, im not going to waste these 3 years. i at least want to start on generals again.....ugh again. shoot me please! oh well, this has to be done. the only bad thing is........to do what i want to do i would have to get a ph.d. yikes! its so daunting! but i did find out that 2 of the colleges offer the full ph.d program i want to do.

oh my, what am i doing? im just going to do something enjoyable.

just have to get this off my chest. i hate going to relief society. it pretty much sucks the big one. and this is why....its gotten so "cliquey" and snooty. and the people in charge are totally oblivious to it. when we have homemaking its seriously just a waste of time. no one wants to put any effort into actually making the get-together, of sorts, any kind of worth while experience. i dont learn anything. now correct me if im wrong but i thought relief society was there to help me learn things and grow. whether it be spiritually or physically. when did we stop having homemakings that taught us things? when did it turn into social hour for the presidency. dont get me wrong, i love the women in the presidency.....individually. i wonder if they realize how they are just turning into a little clique.

i do feel a little insecure when it comes to this clique thing. but who doesnt? im a big girl and pull myself by my bootstraps and dont let my neurosis get to me. im not the only one who feels like this though, and thats the problem.

the other totally sucky thing is, the actual activities. theyre borring and dumb. lets learn something or figure out how to be better moms. lets have a gardening night or for heavens sake, help someone! why dont we start nurturing the women of our ward and build a strong and united front of mothers and friends. nope, we put on ridiculous skits and wear dumb hats to visit with eachother for an hour. so lame.

i dont think my feelings about homemaking are a secret. and i like to attend relief society on sundays. i just wish things werent being avertised on facebook for the entire relief society to see and make the other women in the ward that arent invited to these little get togethers feel bad. thats all. soap box done.

wheres my word for the year?

every year i pick a couple of words that embody either characteristics or traits that i would like to work on. some of the words in previous years have been things like "resolute" and "steadfast". but this year i have picked a phrase and a word. the phrase is, "be fearless" aaaaand the word is "vivacious".

le'me'splain. by being fearless i dont mean reckless or dumb. i mean to just get out there and do the things that i want to do but for some reason hold myself back from doing. now, back in the day going to Lagoon would be no biggie. but now i have some trepidation about it, cuz i dont want to be the fat person that has to get off the rollercoaster because i cant close the safety thingy. i know, that probaby wouldnt happen but in my present state of fatness, it might. so i am being fearless about getting into better shape a losing some weight sooooooo i can be vivacious. even more so than normal :)

i love the word vivacious. i feel that it is me. but i have gotten to the point that being truly vivacious has gotten hard and expensive. i feel like i have a ton of energy and that i can still hold onto my youth.....some way or another. driving a mini van isnt helping though. i feel like i just need to be even more fearless so i can be even more vivacious.

soooooo..........

i dont have much of anything on my mind today. other than i need to lose some weight! i didnt go to weight watchers in january and have been putting off. im a terrible eater and eat waaaaaay too much salt, im guessing because i eat way too much fast food. and since i consume way too much salt, my BP is a little elevated. the last reading this morning was 135/90. omg, i am pre-hypertensive!

so, i need to drop a few. i'll keep ya'll posted on my weight loss journey.