new words for the year!!!!

I am a firm believer in being loyal and having stick-ed-it-to-it-edness, and not giving up. My previous words to live by for this year were resolute and accept, which i am not abandoning......but adding to! YAY!!! I am excited to add this new motto: "I can do hard things".

I was parousing through blogs and found the most heart renching blog about a young mother that lost her precious little daughter. As I was reading some of the posts, and my heart breaking over and over for this mom, I came accross a quote that said "I can do hard things". OMH(oh my heck!!!)! How simple?! How divine?! Literally, how divine?! I had been praying and asking for strength lately and the wonderful man upstairs knows that words are my thing. Words, like quotes and scripture always seem to have a such a high bearing with me. Quotes and beautiful words whether written or spoken always touch me and get into my heart faster and better than anything else.

How fitting it was for me to run across this. From one struggling mom to another, she said tell yourself "I can do hard things". That just gets to me. Because I CAN do hard things, and will CONTINUE to do hard things. Suddenly Im not so overwhelmed, the world seems to be in perspective, and i have gained back a little more of the confidence that i have completely lost lately. yes! I can do hard things!

Sooooo, ummmm, the worst thing that ive felt has been way out of perspective or reach for me was continuing my education. Because it just seems way too hard. Not enough moolah, not enough time, not enough wits about me to get anything done. Nope, not anymore, because......yup, you guessed it! I can do hard things! No more of this woe is me crap! No more feeling bad for myself and living in the fuzz(depression), its fading and i will press onward.

Ive been working on pressing my shoulder to the wheel and getting up on my rock and this little grouping of beautiful words is another leg up on things. Im happy i came upon this other persons blog about losing her daughter. it made me feel so blessed to still have mine. i know she(my kid, the toad) is here for a reason, if for anything to keep teaching and humbling me. i have a tremendous amount of admiration for these 2 young parents living through the death of their little girl. i feel like if Kel died i would just shrivel up and blow away. which makes me so eternally and deeply grateful for the plan of salvation. i know that if anything happened to either one of my blessings(my 2 kids are called blessings, yes from another quote! The quote it came from is: "my 2 greatest blessings call me mom".) that i would be able to see them again, and not all is lost. Which in turn makes me even more grateful to my lovely husband. He is my everything, my rock, and yes my salvation. Wow, i am such a blessed person. i have way more than i need and have been witness to more than my share of miracles. But, to the cute little mommy that lost her little girl: I dont know exactly how you feel but i sure have been close. my heart aches for you but it is soothed to know that you believe in the same principles i do.


another one of my favorite quotes is: (seems to be fitting for this post)

"If you're listening, if you're awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break; it's purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold ever more wonders.
-Andrew Harvey

yeep!

Sorry for not posting sooner. So, update on MacKelty huh? We saw the neurosurgeon on the 14th(im not entirely sure if this is the most accurate date) and he didnt seem concerned very much about the "thing". He said she was doing good and would like to see scans in 6 months. The overall jist of the conversation was that he thinks the "thing" is scar tissue.

My heart and psyche was aching ever since we had this stupid MRI that showed the "thing". I honestly thought I was going to lose my marbles! They were just going to roll out one of my ears and down the sidewalk. I suppose this sort of thing would make a person a little neurotic.....you know, never knowing if your kid is going to have brain cancer again at any moment and then none of the hoards of doctors(that have almost bankrupted us btw)will tell you anything. ughhhh...sigh....needless to say, I havent been holding it together very well lately.

But all in all we're doing good. Dr. Kestle didnt seem to concerned and the oncologist said she didnt think it was too much to worry about but of course they wont tell if it is or if it isnt. So diplomatic these docs are. Im a little jaded by this whole situation. But I am immensely grateful for the docs and the miracles theyve helped us have.

bad thought water

Well, today is the day. Another update from Kel's docs should be coming this afternoon via phone call. The oncologist is going to have a conference about Kelty with the neurosurgeons to see what they think the "thing" is. I am really hoping that Dr. Kestle will be able to just know what it is when he looks at it.

Jay gave me a blessing yesterday so I could feel better. It worked. Almost immediately my head was cleared. Sometimes when Im really worried or having copious amounts of stress I feel like Im drowning in bad thoughts. Bad thoughts like worried thoughts and nothing will get me out of the "bad thought water". It sucks. Im greatful for having a husband that is worthy to give me blessings. I love him. Its good and comforting to know that hes right there with me.

So, since the blessing I do feel better. Im not so crazy about the "thing". Now I know we'll just deal with it. We'll be strong and just take whatever comes our way. Sure does seem like alot is coming our way lately again. I often wonder why Im being tested so much. I guess its because I have alot to learn. Maybe after the phone call this afternoon I'll be a little more calm.