I had yet another learning experience the other day. Jay and I have been in a situation where we havent known where we are going to come up with the money to pay keltys latest round of medical bills. And of course, I go and have these delusions of grandeur for lack of a better term. I skip ahead and think that we're going to lose our house and be in the streets...and have little ragedy ann children schlepping around garbage bags looking for the nearest soup kitchen. But....something always works out.
The last time kel was in the hospital was right before x-mas. She was lifeflighted there and I knew it was going to be a super huge bill. And it was. Let me tell you, we could have bought a couple beautiful new cars for the price we've paid for that girl. And its all been worth it. I would pay anything and everything for her. But it just gets hard after years of paying and just when we get it to a manageable state something happens again where we have to pay in upwards of $20,000.
So we were talking to my parents about what we are going to do. The medical billing lady at Primarys told me the monthly payment was going to be a certain amount for a couple years. Well, their "certain amount" is going to make it difficult to pay our mortgage, because we were stupid and couldnt get insurance reinstated for about 30 days and all this happened in that uninsured time. Tough cookies for us. Who knows what we're going to do.
So...in my parents infinate wisdom. Namely, moms infinate wisdom told me what they thought we should do. I guess moms relief society lesson was on Elder Uchtforfs latest talk in the Ensign. It said something to the effect that we should stop running faster through the turbulence in our lives and slow down through it. Like in an airplane when an inexperienced pilot encounters turbulence he would go faster through it out of first reaction and hit the turbulence fast and hard to get through it quickly. When you should really slow down and ease over the bumps slowly making for a smoother ride. Mom is so smart. She knows exactly how I think. I tend to try to run through my turbulence and hit it head on so I can get through it as fast as possible. I should slow down and find another avenue to pay this bill instead of the cockeyed schemes I always seem to come up with.
So I guess I'll start to slow down and take the turbulence slow. What a cool analogy that is. Mom and dad always know what to do.
On a different note, we had a loss in the family. I feel like we're going extinct. My moms cousin in law passed away Saturday from an unfortunate demise. Im not real clear on all details but it was all so sudden. And from what I heard it was not at all an easy or peaceful passing from a medical standpoint. I know she was in full renal failure, there was cancer involved but I dont know what kind, some sort of infection from a stent that was placed, and all other sort of terrible painful things. She went to the doctor right after thanksgiving and ended up in ICU and a care center and then placed on hospice on saturday morning. She passed saturday evening. In just a matter of 2 months. Im kindof in shock. This particular side of the family doesnt feel like cousins to me, more like aunts and uncles. This death is weird because it was a shock. I didnt know she was that sick. Its going to be weird going to family reunions and not seeing her there. There wont be any reminding of how she remembers me and my sister at her wedding. There wont be any more telling me how she remembers when I was little and cant believe how Im an adult now. I feel horrible for her husband, my moms cousin, and their son. It must be terrible to lose your mother at 19...and lose your spouse. I havent talked to Val or their som Orrin but I hope their doing ok. We're just waiting for word on the funeral now. So sad.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
So this blog is about me and my year long journey into accepting myself and putting myself out there a little more. Here is a list of things I do or like. Yes, I am weird....and accepting it.
I dont sing in the shower but quite often I will dance in the shower. It hasnt resulted in injury yet...plus, you cant really move around alot in my master bathroom shower. If you put your elbows up they hit the walls, tiny shower! But I have tried to bust a move in there. Also, I sound like a drowning cat when I sing.
I always eat the same things at restaurants. I know what I like and I stick with it. Whats wrong with that?
I dont feel as old as I am. I feel like Im 21 or so.
I cant figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Im torn between 2 things. I dont know if I should stick with nursing or go to school to be a teacher. Its a struggle because nursing is faster and makes more money, but nursing school is very pricey and would leave us in debt. If I went to school to be a teacher it would take longer and it would be a funner job, but it doesnt make alot of money and I would have to work every day. This is my internal struggle. Which way to go?
When Im alone driving I listen to the music in the car really loud! I mean really loud! I totally sing at the top of my lungs too.
I hate wearing my hair down. Pony tails are my friend.
I get cravings for meat. I must eat like a man. Sometimes I just want a big medium rare steak. I just recently started liking mashed potatoes. Ive always hated them until about 3 years ago. Im starting to eat asparagus and brussel sprouts too. Both things that I didnt eat for years on end until just recently.
I dont like to wear socks. They make my feet feel weird.
I love to watch house improvement shows on tv. I also like to just go for drives and look at cool houses up in the avenues or by the capital. I absolutely love a house with alot of character!
I have SAD. seasonal affective disorder. And the winter really gets to me. :( I feel depressed today.
I feel like my job is an abusive boyfriend. I come to work and get hit, punched, kicked, pooped on, treated like Im someones slave, demanded that I wipe peoples butts because theyre too lazy and gross to do it themselves, treated inferior from certain stupid nurses, and all other sort of crap I deal with to work here. But then you get the nice patient that appreciates you and makes you feel like you can come back tomorrow and do it all over again. You know, like when an abusive boyfriend or husband punches his girl and then tells her he loves her and then she can never leave because she thinks he really loves her. Thats how my job is. It poops on me but I keep coming back.
I have numerous mountains of shoes...that dont fit anymore 'cause my feet grew when i was preggo with kelty. I should throw those out.
Jay said sleeping with socks on is quarky. I just think my feet get cold, or I dont think about it. I'll tell you a quarky thing about Jay....he hates shoes and he wears shorts in the winter. whos the weirdo now?
Some of that stuff is pretty quarky I suppose. Its me and Im accepting it.
I dont sing in the shower but quite often I will dance in the shower. It hasnt resulted in injury yet...plus, you cant really move around alot in my master bathroom shower. If you put your elbows up they hit the walls, tiny shower! But I have tried to bust a move in there. Also, I sound like a drowning cat when I sing.
I always eat the same things at restaurants. I know what I like and I stick with it. Whats wrong with that?
I dont feel as old as I am. I feel like Im 21 or so.
I cant figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Im torn between 2 things. I dont know if I should stick with nursing or go to school to be a teacher. Its a struggle because nursing is faster and makes more money, but nursing school is very pricey and would leave us in debt. If I went to school to be a teacher it would take longer and it would be a funner job, but it doesnt make alot of money and I would have to work every day. This is my internal struggle. Which way to go?
When Im alone driving I listen to the music in the car really loud! I mean really loud! I totally sing at the top of my lungs too.
I hate wearing my hair down. Pony tails are my friend.
I get cravings for meat. I must eat like a man. Sometimes I just want a big medium rare steak. I just recently started liking mashed potatoes. Ive always hated them until about 3 years ago. Im starting to eat asparagus and brussel sprouts too. Both things that I didnt eat for years on end until just recently.
I dont like to wear socks. They make my feet feel weird.
I love to watch house improvement shows on tv. I also like to just go for drives and look at cool houses up in the avenues or by the capital. I absolutely love a house with alot of character!
I have SAD. seasonal affective disorder. And the winter really gets to me. :( I feel depressed today.
I feel like my job is an abusive boyfriend. I come to work and get hit, punched, kicked, pooped on, treated like Im someones slave, demanded that I wipe peoples butts because theyre too lazy and gross to do it themselves, treated inferior from certain stupid nurses, and all other sort of crap I deal with to work here. But then you get the nice patient that appreciates you and makes you feel like you can come back tomorrow and do it all over again. You know, like when an abusive boyfriend or husband punches his girl and then tells her he loves her and then she can never leave because she thinks he really loves her. Thats how my job is. It poops on me but I keep coming back.
I have numerous mountains of shoes...that dont fit anymore 'cause my feet grew when i was preggo with kelty. I should throw those out.
Jay said sleeping with socks on is quarky. I just think my feet get cold, or I dont think about it. I'll tell you a quarky thing about Jay....he hates shoes and he wears shorts in the winter. whos the weirdo now?
Some of that stuff is pretty quarky I suppose. Its me and Im accepting it.
Monday, January 17, 2011
skeleton keys chapter 1
I stared off into the darkness of the night hoping my brain would go numb and the call lights would stop going off. But the thick black wouldnt take me. The darkness out the hospital window was unrelenting. No matter how I begged it would not take me into its depths and fantasy.
The traffic light accross the street was flashing red constantly reminding me of all the IV pumps that needed reprograming, all the bags of NS that needed rehanging, all the butts that needed wiping. And then pure black. Black. It jolted me back into reality from my trailing thoughts. At least this time they were about work and not something totally unrelated. Like Jay.
"Hey, the powers off across the street." I stated to all the nurses at the nursing station. Nothing but hums and groans as the others charted furiously on their patients. Barely even a look. Oh well, I thought to myself. Time to get moving again, no one else is going to take care of these people. A smug reminder of my own voice in my head. Was that supposed to be my conscience? My inner child maybe? So typical, I thought. Totally trying to self diagnose again.
I can hear jingling even before it gets to me. Darlene, the respiratory therapist always carried a huge ring of keys hanging from a caribeaner clipped to her scrubs. She was a tall woman, carried herself well. Obviously athletic, totally into rock climbing from the looks of her. Her eyes glint and peer into me from the corners of them as she practically floats past me. I kept watching her and then she gave it. The sign. She touched her caribeaner and unclipped it from her scrubs. She was rubbing the keys with her slender fingers. And she looked back, silently motioning me to go with her.
We entered the patients room, the man who had spit on me the night before. I wasnt mad at him. He didnt know what he was doing. The poor thing had Alzheimers...end stage. He had no chance. "Aerial." Darlene said, " should we really do this?" "I dont know, Im ninety percent sure I saw it. In fact, I know thats exactly what I saw." I'm always so wishy washy. I cant help it, its the way I was born. Always so eager to flip flop, I can never really make up my mind.
"OK" Darlene said. "Lets do this".
As quick as a flash of lightning the room began spinning like you were standing in the eye of a tornado. Darlene stood there with her arms crossed over her chest and her eyes tightly shut like a child afraid of monsters. At the bedside I placed my two fingers on his forehead right over the center of his eyes and began mouthing the words: Warlock in the shadows show me your true self. Warlock in the shadows show me your true self. And again, warlock in the shadows show me your true self. "Dar open your eyes, look!" I love this part. I looked at every inch of my arm extended to touch this man. Every inch of my skin shone like crushed diamonds and I just drank it in. It was the subtlest pink of pinks mixed with gold flecks and crystal. My scrub top looked silly donning such an expensive looking arm. I giggled to myself as I thought.
"I cant look! Every time you do this I get motion sick. If I look Im going to barf!" Darlene said. "uhh whatever, just watch Dar, focus on him. You can see his mark as long as Im touching him." And just then it began to glow in a hazy grey above his eyes on his forehead. I always thought it so profound that it was in the same place as the preverbial third eye. It was beautiful, like a celtic knot but much much more intricate. The room was spinning faster and papers floating everywhere. Darlene said "wheres the key? We have to get the key!" "I saw it in his valuables bag in the closet" I said. As she ran to the closet bumping into chairs and things a loud knock pounded on the door. Just as the door was opening the room stopped, papers returned to their rightful place and my arm swiftly moved to my side. One of the nurses was checking on the patient as she walked by. "I heard something fall" said the brand new nurse right out of nursing school. Her name was Sunny. Of course her name would be Sunny I thought to myself. "We're fine" I said while giving her the nastiest look I could. Her face dropped as she shut the door and walked away. Thats the problem with trying to do this at work but I had my reasons.
"Aerial, do you think you could just do the floating thing instead of making the room spin next time we see one of these things?" exclaimed Darlene.
"I guess so but I had to use alot of power to get his mark to show through. He doesnt have much life left in him so I had to use some of mine,and unfortunately I have a tornado effect" I said to Dar as I jabbed her in the ribs while we riffled through an old mans belongings.
The key was beautiful. It looked like this mans mark. Almost like a celtic knot made from some sort of iron or black metal but more intricate, more refined. It had a bright red ruby right in the center. It almost seemed to glow it was so deep and saturated with color. It must be old I thought to myself. Just as I thought that Darlene whisked the key out of my hand and shoved it into her pocket. "Not tonight, hes too weak now" she said. "Tomorrow we'll come back for him, when hes regained some strength...and power". "Fine, but I'd just like to get this done now. I can make it look like he just stopped breathing. Its so much less paper work Dar." I whined with a big sigh. "Come on, hes already lost alot of his strength. Lets just put him out of his misery before he figures out who has his key." I firmly propositioned. "Remember the last time we let someone live without their key?"
"I dont think I like this" I mentioned as we walked back to the nurses station. "Neither do I" said Dar. "But we have no choice, I dont have my book with me". "You should just save your spells into your blackberry you know" I said rolling my eyes.
I sat down right at the same computer I was at before. But now more excited, almost giddy. I had chills running through my arms and a strange tingling sensation in my fingers where I had touched the key. Thats weird I thought, none of the other keys had a physical sensation with them. Hmm something I'll have to test when I can get into the warlocks powers tomorrow.
Darlene waited for me next to my car as I walked out after a long hard shift at the hospital. "You coming to the gym this morning?" "Yeah, I should but Im just going to go home and sleep and get some of the stink off me." "Alright" she said"Be ready tomorrow night." "Dont worry so much Dar, I'll be ready".
The traffic light accross the street was flashing red constantly reminding me of all the IV pumps that needed reprograming, all the bags of NS that needed rehanging, all the butts that needed wiping. And then pure black. Black. It jolted me back into reality from my trailing thoughts. At least this time they were about work and not something totally unrelated. Like Jay.
"Hey, the powers off across the street." I stated to all the nurses at the nursing station. Nothing but hums and groans as the others charted furiously on their patients. Barely even a look. Oh well, I thought to myself. Time to get moving again, no one else is going to take care of these people. A smug reminder of my own voice in my head. Was that supposed to be my conscience? My inner child maybe? So typical, I thought. Totally trying to self diagnose again.
I can hear jingling even before it gets to me. Darlene, the respiratory therapist always carried a huge ring of keys hanging from a caribeaner clipped to her scrubs. She was a tall woman, carried herself well. Obviously athletic, totally into rock climbing from the looks of her. Her eyes glint and peer into me from the corners of them as she practically floats past me. I kept watching her and then she gave it. The sign. She touched her caribeaner and unclipped it from her scrubs. She was rubbing the keys with her slender fingers. And she looked back, silently motioning me to go with her.
We entered the patients room, the man who had spit on me the night before. I wasnt mad at him. He didnt know what he was doing. The poor thing had Alzheimers...end stage. He had no chance. "Aerial." Darlene said, " should we really do this?" "I dont know, Im ninety percent sure I saw it. In fact, I know thats exactly what I saw." I'm always so wishy washy. I cant help it, its the way I was born. Always so eager to flip flop, I can never really make up my mind.
"OK" Darlene said. "Lets do this".
As quick as a flash of lightning the room began spinning like you were standing in the eye of a tornado. Darlene stood there with her arms crossed over her chest and her eyes tightly shut like a child afraid of monsters. At the bedside I placed my two fingers on his forehead right over the center of his eyes and began mouthing the words: Warlock in the shadows show me your true self. Warlock in the shadows show me your true self. And again, warlock in the shadows show me your true self. "Dar open your eyes, look!" I love this part. I looked at every inch of my arm extended to touch this man. Every inch of my skin shone like crushed diamonds and I just drank it in. It was the subtlest pink of pinks mixed with gold flecks and crystal. My scrub top looked silly donning such an expensive looking arm. I giggled to myself as I thought.
"I cant look! Every time you do this I get motion sick. If I look Im going to barf!" Darlene said. "uhh whatever, just watch Dar, focus on him. You can see his mark as long as Im touching him." And just then it began to glow in a hazy grey above his eyes on his forehead. I always thought it so profound that it was in the same place as the preverbial third eye. It was beautiful, like a celtic knot but much much more intricate. The room was spinning faster and papers floating everywhere. Darlene said "wheres the key? We have to get the key!" "I saw it in his valuables bag in the closet" I said. As she ran to the closet bumping into chairs and things a loud knock pounded on the door. Just as the door was opening the room stopped, papers returned to their rightful place and my arm swiftly moved to my side. One of the nurses was checking on the patient as she walked by. "I heard something fall" said the brand new nurse right out of nursing school. Her name was Sunny. Of course her name would be Sunny I thought to myself. "We're fine" I said while giving her the nastiest look I could. Her face dropped as she shut the door and walked away. Thats the problem with trying to do this at work but I had my reasons.
"Aerial, do you think you could just do the floating thing instead of making the room spin next time we see one of these things?" exclaimed Darlene.
"I guess so but I had to use alot of power to get his mark to show through. He doesnt have much life left in him so I had to use some of mine,and unfortunately I have a tornado effect" I said to Dar as I jabbed her in the ribs while we riffled through an old mans belongings.
The key was beautiful. It looked like this mans mark. Almost like a celtic knot made from some sort of iron or black metal but more intricate, more refined. It had a bright red ruby right in the center. It almost seemed to glow it was so deep and saturated with color. It must be old I thought to myself. Just as I thought that Darlene whisked the key out of my hand and shoved it into her pocket. "Not tonight, hes too weak now" she said. "Tomorrow we'll come back for him, when hes regained some strength...and power". "Fine, but I'd just like to get this done now. I can make it look like he just stopped breathing. Its so much less paper work Dar." I whined with a big sigh. "Come on, hes already lost alot of his strength. Lets just put him out of his misery before he figures out who has his key." I firmly propositioned. "Remember the last time we let someone live without their key?"
"I dont think I like this" I mentioned as we walked back to the nurses station. "Neither do I" said Dar. "But we have no choice, I dont have my book with me". "You should just save your spells into your blackberry you know" I said rolling my eyes.
I sat down right at the same computer I was at before. But now more excited, almost giddy. I had chills running through my arms and a strange tingling sensation in my fingers where I had touched the key. Thats weird I thought, none of the other keys had a physical sensation with them. Hmm something I'll have to test when I can get into the warlocks powers tomorrow.
Darlene waited for me next to my car as I walked out after a long hard shift at the hospital. "You coming to the gym this morning?" "Yeah, I should but Im just going to go home and sleep and get some of the stink off me." "Alright" she said"Be ready tomorrow night." "Dont worry so much Dar, I'll be ready".
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Ode to the toad and Gage-O
My darling boy is 6 years old going on 15. He has such a strong yet subtle personality. He is wonderfully vocal...meaning he has a huge vocabulary and uses terms correctly. But also can be subdued and mysterious. We have an unspoken bond literally. I know what hes thinking and can usually tell exactly what im thinking. Hes amazing!
Gage loves his snow boots and wants to try new things, although he easily discourages himself, hes good at everything. He has turned out to be absolutely gorgeous. With a strong square jaw line and clear blue eyes. If I had to pick a word to describe Gage it would be lion-hearted. Hes my little tender heart. I cant believe hes growing up so fast. He truly captured me on day one. If I could spend the rest of my life just sitting and watching him, taking in his presence, I would be truly content. A squeeze from baby-gage makes my heart melt every time.
My Toad(MacKelty) is my joy. Shes light-hearted fun all the way around. She trots around the house making noises and acting like a grown up. My little girl is ALL girl. She takes after me....she loves shoes(So does gage). She lifts my spirits and brings fun into our home. Although she potty training shes been an angel. Kelty is mischievious but honest. Ive never seen a more loving and truly honest person ever. Shes pure love....especially to her brother.
I love both my kids and couldnt ask for more. Both have been an absolute blessing and a wonder. They teach me everyday. Theyre my best friends and most precious blessing. Our personalities, granted theyre still little, match completely. My babies are the perfect compliment to eachother and to me. I would never be able to express anything in words how much I love them. They are my joy, my life, my reason for carrying on, my everything.
The best blessing Ive been given is to have a small glimpse and a minute understanding of what it is that Heavenly Father feels for me. What a wonderful thing it is to have children. Pure blessings.
Gage loves his snow boots and wants to try new things, although he easily discourages himself, hes good at everything. He has turned out to be absolutely gorgeous. With a strong square jaw line and clear blue eyes. If I had to pick a word to describe Gage it would be lion-hearted. Hes my little tender heart. I cant believe hes growing up so fast. He truly captured me on day one. If I could spend the rest of my life just sitting and watching him, taking in his presence, I would be truly content. A squeeze from baby-gage makes my heart melt every time.
My Toad(MacKelty) is my joy. Shes light-hearted fun all the way around. She trots around the house making noises and acting like a grown up. My little girl is ALL girl. She takes after me....she loves shoes(So does gage). She lifts my spirits and brings fun into our home. Although she potty training shes been an angel. Kelty is mischievious but honest. Ive never seen a more loving and truly honest person ever. Shes pure love....especially to her brother.
I love both my kids and couldnt ask for more. Both have been an absolute blessing and a wonder. They teach me everyday. Theyre my best friends and most precious blessing. Our personalities, granted theyre still little, match completely. My babies are the perfect compliment to eachother and to me. I would never be able to express anything in words how much I love them. They are my joy, my life, my reason for carrying on, my everything.
The best blessing Ive been given is to have a small glimpse and a minute understanding of what it is that Heavenly Father feels for me. What a wonderful thing it is to have children. Pure blessings.
words to live by
The wonderful new year has come and Im excited. My words to live by this year are:
Resolute and Accept
I will be resolute in my day to day life. Meaning valiant, unwavering, a rock for my family to stand on. This also encompasses for me being resolute with my children. There is no apathy or complacency with my babies. I will work to be a resolute mother in Zion until the day I die.
Accept. Ahhh accept. This one is personal. I will accept my quarks. I will accept the way I look, although I really truly believe Im not that bad looking. I do think Im pretty....just want to lose some weight, not change the way I look. I will accept my true feelings. I will accept exactly who I am and not work to be what others want me to be. I am myself, and I will accept it. I accept Aerial.
Resolute and Accept
I will be resolute in my day to day life. Meaning valiant, unwavering, a rock for my family to stand on. This also encompasses for me being resolute with my children. There is no apathy or complacency with my babies. I will work to be a resolute mother in Zion until the day I die.
Accept. Ahhh accept. This one is personal. I will accept my quarks. I will accept the way I look, although I really truly believe Im not that bad looking. I do think Im pretty....just want to lose some weight, not change the way I look. I will accept my true feelings. I will accept exactly who I am and not work to be what others want me to be. I am myself, and I will accept it. I accept Aerial.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
it was like breaking up with a boyfriend
So I was parousing facebook and came across a group to join from my old dance troop. Its called Cloggers Ala Carte/Thunder and Lightning Cloggers. As soon as I saw it there was a lump in my throat. I had such a wonderful time with all these fabulous people from my childhood that I couldnt help but get all choked up. Such fun memories of dancing and hanging out with friends. I went on my first plane ride with these people, went on my first big trip(w/o my parents) with this group, and had alot of just plain old good times with them.
I cant help but remember when my parents and I chose not to go back one year. I was 14 and completely devastated. Really, honestly devastated. We chose not to go back because of the team that I was placed on. My parents were unwilling to pay for anymore lessons if I wasnt going to be on the "good team". Plus some other drama went down Im not willing to discuss on a blog. I remember my mom telling me on a summer afternoon, the team that I had been placed on and who else was on the team. I felt horrible about it because i was no longer with any of the people that i had previously danced with. For a chubby adolescent it just cemented the fact that I was too fat to be on the "good team". I stewed for days over not picking my legs up enough, or being too fat to fit in, or being too chicken and big to try any lifts. The absolute worst thing for me was leaving the people. I truly loved the kids i danced with. But life had to go on.
I didnt want to quit dancing altogether so my parents decided they would put me in over at Castleview. I was detraught over leaving CAC but my school friends danced at Castleview, so it wasnt too much of a stretch. Castleview made me try out for a team because I entered the season a little late. I was scared out of my mind! I had never been in such a huge fancy studio. They had beautiful rosined floors and mirrors almost all the way around. Not to mention there were like 4 studios in the one building. After feeling like a fat failure at age 14, I decided all I could do was do the best i could and they would put me on a team that fit my skill level.
And guess what! Booyah! They put me on 3 of their best teams! And I turned pro at age 16. I started taking 1st place in freestyle everytime i competed. Not to mention, I never got lower than 2nd place on any team, duet, or freestyle event. And all it took was a little tweaking from a professional dance instructor. My first teacher at Castleview pulled me aside and told me that I always danced with my things too close together and thats why I didnt look like I was picking my legs up as high. That was a hard habit to break but it corrected all the bad habbits no one had bothered to study before.
It was a smoothe transition, and some of the best times in my life. It was well worth it for my parents to let me feel the pain of losing my dance partners in turn for placing me in a positive environment where I could grow as a dancer and a person. I had some of THE BEST times of my life at Castleview.....and at CAC.
I do miss Cloggers Ala Carte. I miss the people. I wonder if they still remember me and my family?
I cant help but remember when my parents and I chose not to go back one year. I was 14 and completely devastated. Really, honestly devastated. We chose not to go back because of the team that I was placed on. My parents were unwilling to pay for anymore lessons if I wasnt going to be on the "good team". Plus some other drama went down Im not willing to discuss on a blog. I remember my mom telling me on a summer afternoon, the team that I had been placed on and who else was on the team. I felt horrible about it because i was no longer with any of the people that i had previously danced with. For a chubby adolescent it just cemented the fact that I was too fat to be on the "good team". I stewed for days over not picking my legs up enough, or being too fat to fit in, or being too chicken and big to try any lifts. The absolute worst thing for me was leaving the people. I truly loved the kids i danced with. But life had to go on.
I didnt want to quit dancing altogether so my parents decided they would put me in over at Castleview. I was detraught over leaving CAC but my school friends danced at Castleview, so it wasnt too much of a stretch. Castleview made me try out for a team because I entered the season a little late. I was scared out of my mind! I had never been in such a huge fancy studio. They had beautiful rosined floors and mirrors almost all the way around. Not to mention there were like 4 studios in the one building. After feeling like a fat failure at age 14, I decided all I could do was do the best i could and they would put me on a team that fit my skill level.
And guess what! Booyah! They put me on 3 of their best teams! And I turned pro at age 16. I started taking 1st place in freestyle everytime i competed. Not to mention, I never got lower than 2nd place on any team, duet, or freestyle event. And all it took was a little tweaking from a professional dance instructor. My first teacher at Castleview pulled me aside and told me that I always danced with my things too close together and thats why I didnt look like I was picking my legs up as high. That was a hard habit to break but it corrected all the bad habbits no one had bothered to study before.
It was a smoothe transition, and some of the best times in my life. It was well worth it for my parents to let me feel the pain of losing my dance partners in turn for placing me in a positive environment where I could grow as a dancer and a person. I had some of THE BEST times of my life at Castleview.....and at CAC.
I do miss Cloggers Ala Carte. I miss the people. I wonder if they still remember me and my family?
i have a heavy heart today
Notice:
My previous post was about people i went to high school with.. Dont worry it wasnt anyone I attended church with, or is even my age. In fact, theyre all a few years older than me. I didnt mean it to sound rude, or degrading. Its kinda hard to put all the emotion i wanted to into a blog post. i have the utmost respect for these people and respect their way of life.....i too live that partucular way of life. Maybe im just a little more liberal.
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I have a heavy heart today.
I was reading a friends blog from the past couple years and it was sooo full of angst and hurt. This person was close to me but after extenuating circumstances not any more. I was reading post after post after post. All full of hurt and confusion. So many drunken entries, so much lost time. I didnt realize how hurt he was. How broken and full of sorrow.
It was wierd to have such a reaction to his posts because some were unmistakenly about me...and about my son. For a second while wading through all these drunken meanderings i couldnt help but wonder why there were still some references of long past times. A date is kind of bugging me. I was reading a 4000 word drunk blog that mentioned something totally off the wall about a significant date with fireworks. I wonder what that was about and why he put that in there. I'll have to ask him. Im perplexed....with a heavy heart today.
I hope the healing can continue with this person and all is well soon.
My previous post was about people i went to high school with.. Dont worry it wasnt anyone I attended church with, or is even my age. In fact, theyre all a few years older than me. I didnt mean it to sound rude, or degrading. Its kinda hard to put all the emotion i wanted to into a blog post. i have the utmost respect for these people and respect their way of life.....i too live that partucular way of life. Maybe im just a little more liberal.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have a heavy heart today.
I was reading a friends blog from the past couple years and it was sooo full of angst and hurt. This person was close to me but after extenuating circumstances not any more. I was reading post after post after post. All full of hurt and confusion. So many drunken entries, so much lost time. I didnt realize how hurt he was. How broken and full of sorrow.
It was wierd to have such a reaction to his posts because some were unmistakenly about me...and about my son. For a second while wading through all these drunken meanderings i couldnt help but wonder why there were still some references of long past times. A date is kind of bugging me. I was reading a 4000 word drunk blog that mentioned something totally off the wall about a significant date with fireworks. I wonder what that was about and why he put that in there. I'll have to ask him. Im perplexed....with a heavy heart today.
I hope the healing can continue with this person and all is well soon.
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